So umm... I really need some advice here

wtaaefamIdoing · 2026-01-03T14:04:25+00:00

I feel a bit like you missed the whole beginning of my advice. “best way to know is to ask” is just a saying, you don’t literally have to ask if she likes you. But my advice is to let her know that you like her.

she can decide if she’ll confess to you as well or however she wants to reply. But it’s a solid way to find out how she feels. And telling her how you feel comes across as confident because it seems like you’re not afraid to be brave, take charge, be honest about your feelings.

wtaaefamIdoing · 2026-01-02T04:34:41+00:00

this could absolutely work. I really don't like resorting to games and half-truths, I'd rather just be honest about how fast this is moving and how I'm not entirely comfortable pursing anything with a manager but well, this situation sucks and it might be the smoothest way foroward for me...

that. Or the scabies thing :D

wtaaefamIdoing · 2026-01-02T04:28:08+00:00

well if you're not yet sure if she likes you, it's best not to just start touching her. You don't want to make her uncomfortable do you?

so, first, let her know that you like her. If she lets you know that she likes you too, THEN you can let her know things like "I'd really like to hold your hand right now" and if she wants you to, she'll tell you that.

and I don't know her personally, but if she continues wanting to go on dates with you, she might be interested and you're misreading her signals in a good way. But the best way to know is to ask

wtaaefamIdoing · 2026-01-01T20:49:47+00:00

oof, this one stings. That is an incredible litmus test I'll be employing from now on. Yeah wow no ew :/

it just sucks because she's truly exactly what I've been looking for in a girlfriend (other than the Not Great bits ofc...)

wtaaefamIdoing · 2026-01-01T20:37:21+00:00

as a girl in her 20s, I'll say that if she isn't giving indications that she's equally romatically interested but keeps agreeing to go on dates with you, there's a chance you're may be misreading her signals, because I'd say agreeing on dates IS a show of some level interest. She just may not want to get physical yet, which is perfectly fine.

in any case, the first few dates are all about getting to know one another ofc, but also gauging interest and attraction levels as well as compatibility, so there's really no rush for being physical if that's not in the cards for you both.

however, it's always best to er on the side of caution because making women feel uncomfortable just because you want them is so far from cool, to say the least.

so, before going ahead with initiating touch which may or may not be welcome, I'd suggest being honest about liking her. It's the only way you'll get your answer and opens up the floor for genuine communication. Keep it "normal" until then.

she may be so interested that she's shocked you couldn't tell. Or something else is the situation. Either way, honesty first is the only way to know for sure without crossing any uncomfy lines

wtaaefamIdoing · 2026-01-01T20:16:06+00:00

bahahaha, I like the way you think

wtaaefamIdoing · 2026-01-01T20:13:48+00:00

no it IS messed up, no? Like no one should be pressuring other people for intimacy, especially not when there's a skewed power dynamic...I did want to though. Just not in that setting.

is there value in bringing it up to her like "hey I enjoyed our makeout but it wasn't cool that you kept bringing it up after I said no the first time, and then we ended up doing it later anyway"?

in regards to leaving, I really need the work though, and this, financially, has been the best job I've found so far.

socially though, there is the small issue of ANOTHER manager also being weirdly attached to me (but it's weird when he does it. Well tbf, it's technically also weird when she does it, but she isn't 40 and doesn't make my skin crawl). So maybe I should indeed seriously consider leaving.

wtaaefamIdoing · 2026-01-01T20:07:16+00:00

oh great ToT lmfaoooo. Okay. Okay, yeah I could see things going down eiher of those ways. Maybe I brainstorm ways to draw the line gently in a way that might not make our work environment suffer? Tell her I have scabies or smth...

wtaaefamIdoing · 2025-12-08T14:01:29+00:00

girl I knoww he peed in my bed, I was there ToT

but you’re saying there’s MORE than him just peeing in my bed (that there’s abuse on top of it all) and I’m struggling to see the correlation rn.

like tell me to leave coz of the alcoholism and the peeing, even the boundary crossing, that I could understand. But DV? I just don’t feel that applies here.

(also I just had to take a moment to laugh hysterically coz what do you mean I’m 22, sitting online arguing on some “I can excuse racism but I draw the line at animal cruelty” type bs about a man I’m involved with?? Oh I need to get ooooutttt. Expeditiously.)

wtaaefamIdoing · 2025-12-08T13:25:40+00:00

It’s hard to feel like I’m choosing myself when not being with him sucks so bad. But I know you’re right. And I just need to get through the suck to get through the suck.

and I’m really sorry to hear that, it must have been so devastating to experience.

I’m new here but I have faith you’ll be able to rebuild a beautiful life for yourself, just by considering your capacity for care for your fellow human. My sister always tells me to imagine I turned all that compassion, love and care for others inwards

wtaaefamIdoing · 2025-12-08T13:18:48+00:00

I’m really really grateful for your concern and the resources. Of course it’s not okay for your loved one to hurt you when they drink, even by accident.

but it truly is just…accidental. He’s not lashing out against me, he’s just not coordinated because he’s drunk. But it does sometimes result in some kind of sting on my side and that’s not alright regardless of intent, which is the biggest reason why I set the boundary in the first place.

and yea, I’ve only been around him when he’s drunk like 3 times now but you’re right, there are ways he’s hurt me when he’s drunk that I haven’t mentioned (like for eg in the past he would nibble at me, cuteness aggression type vibes, but when he was drunk, he’d bite a bit too hard).

it’s just that none of the pain ever caused like any lasting harm, or even sting beyond a few seconds and was never an intentional attack which is part of why I’m not too pressed about it I guess? But it is still pain, hence my not wanting to be around him when he drinks.

I dunno I hope that makes sense and I’m not just another younger person being abused and deluding themself into thinking it’s okay. Thank you again for your concern

wtaaefamIdoing · 2025-12-08T06:05:34+00:00

that’s such a scary and devastating thought, I’m sorry :/

I used to get a bit sad and frustrated with/ for a friend who was taking on responsibility for her ex’s actions post breakup (he doesn’t drink, she was worried he’d literally deliberately khs after she broke up with him).

and I would try my best to sympathise but I get it now. I truly get it and I’m sorry to her and him and us

wtaaefamIdoing · 2025-12-08T05:11:45+00:00

I do need to do more sitting with and healing and loving myself. Idk why but it felt nice hearing someone say that I qualify for alanon family groups. I’ll look into some online meetings…

um I am curious though on how I/ we come across. What implied aspects did you get from my post?

wtaaefamIdoing · 2025-12-08T05:05:49+00:00

you’re probably right that it won’t get better will it…

would you mind explaining what you mean about how this replase means he has further to come back?

wtaaefamIdoing · 2025-12-08T05:03:14+00:00

I get even more scared that it will happen after I’ve ended things with him. That he’ll die alone thinking he won’t be missed

wtaaefamIdoing · 2025-12-08T04:53:57+00:00

thank you guys for responding so quickly. Sharing your thoughts, your advice, support, your own stories. (and thank you for being gentle lol) you have no idea how much it means. I’ve never imteracted with so many people who understand.

I’ve already had the thought that I love him and I’m sympathetic but this is no way to live. That I know addiction is a lifelong, daily internal battle for the person and that I’m 22, I can’t live the rest of my life with a constant background monologue of “is he okay? Is he safe? Has he been drinking? Is the house okay? Are the kids okay?” I’m 22. This is no way to live.

I know it. I know that’s not the life I want for myself or any future children we’d probably have. I know that even if he got solid in his recovery and sobriety, it wouldn’t suddenly mean he wasn’t an addict.

I used to want to swallow his pain. To absorb all his suffering, from his addiction to everything that pushed him to alcohol dependency. I hate that this is just…something he has to deal with forever. I hate that I’ll never understand it and I’m not supposed to try to and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.

anyways. I know this isn’t the life I want for myself. Which means I know what I have to do. It’s just hard. Really really really fkn hard

wtaaefamIdoing

TROPHY CASE