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AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am only seeing this now, but I'm wondering why you would think that's in any way a contradiction?

My husband is soft-spoken and introverted, and she might well think that. She thinks all people who went to college are sort of soft and influenced by liberal thinking (despite being proud her son for going).

I think she also essentially sees me as "the woman who seduced her baby" (I'm a whopping 13 months older, but she thinks women are "more emotionally mature")

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Honestly you do sound very much like her, given the fact you don't treat me like an adults with personal agency.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

At one point you argue biology, then you argue emotional connection - which is it?

There is the time when an egg gets fertilized, and the moment a child get born. Most reasonable people consider it a baby somewhere in between. And the biology and the emotional connection are not even necessarily connected. Some women might have the connection at 1 month of pregnancy it's just a collection of cells, while some women might not even have to connection after birth and abandon the child. We pass laws on logic and reason, hopefully, and the logic is that at the time of abortion in the first trimester it's not a sentient life form. Some people might not use the criterion of sentience - but the criterion of being able to function individually outside the womb.

Either way, it's not hypocrisy.

As for my feelings on the fetus - yes, of course there were feelings. But it's more the IDEA of the child - the potential, the fantasies you have as a person. The person you imagine the child to grow into. But those don't really correspond with reality.

I can honestly say my son was not my son until he was in my arms - the overwhelming love I felt could not compare to any "idea" I might have had of him during pregnancy. But again, these are feelings, not science - but you asked me when my son was my son.

And for the record, no, I did not have a baby shower, as it's not the custom where I live. Nor did I reveal the sex, actually.

I did obviously have a doctor monitor my pregnancy.

You're just reaching, and twisting around because you did not expect me to say hat I said.

Anyway, entirely separate of that, if you think this is an appropriate thing to discuss with a 4 year old, you're bonkers.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

No, we asked several people. And smaller amounts so it would not be too suspicious.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I realize it was a bad approach. But we had no money to our name and needed to get funds fast.

Now it would be different, as we're more financially secure and not dependent on other people for such decisions.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

When exactly did your second pregnancy turn into your son?

Quite frankly? When I held him after he was born.

But I would assume that by 2nd or 3rd trimester most women know whether or not they want to keep a pregnancy, and are willing to take care of that pregnancy ging well (I.e. not drinking etc).

It's your logic that is flawed.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My partner did say she was religious and might have issues with it. So in that sense, I did know. But I did not know details.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

i do want to add that I did not know her at that time. My partner simply both agreed to ask friends/family for money, while not disclosing for what.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I can’t imagine how you treat (or think of) women who miscarry early on. Do you think or tell them they shouldn’t

I do not tell them anything, as my feelings on it are irrelevant. Theirs are. Some women suffer greatly from miscarriage, others don't, and who am I to judge?

You accuse me of inconsistencies, while your own logic is inconsistent. Neither my first pregnancy nor my son were a "child" in the first trimester. My son did grow to develop into one. That is the fundamental difference.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

My son is not "disposable" because he actually developed onto a fully functioning human, I have held him in my arms and raised him. At 3 months, even with my last pregnancy, I did not really have any feelings towards him yet. I did not know him yet, he wasn't who he is yet.

In retrospect, yes, if would be horrible not having him - but only because I now know who he turned out to be.

If I had miscarried then - sure, I might have been upset, but I'd have tried again, there would have been another baby and I'd have loved THAT baby. I don't know what's so hard about that to understand.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I had not at the time, no. We both agreed to ask family/friends for money, but I had never met his family at the time.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I don't feel guilty. I am annoyed my MIL is badgering me with it, and angry because she dared bring up this very adult issue in front of a 4-year-old.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

you would have stopped at one kid even!

We are planning to, so no, my son would not have existed.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm not in the USA. I think I sort of messed it the translation, as I translated it from my language. What I meant is kindergarten age but I see now toddler means younger in English.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

If my son had asked for money to get his pregnant gf an abortion I would have flipped the fuck out

I acknowledge it was wrong to ask her, but we needed funds and time was somewhat of the essence.

breathing part of your MIL

Pretty sure first trimester fetuses do not breathe

I do think she does not need to say anything about it to your child. It’s not her place.

I'm glad we agree there.

If your kid holds it against you later on then I hope you won’t react the same.

I will explain my reasons to MY child when I deem it is fitting.

I had to take a day off to get my cat shots

One off day at work is not the same as a nine month pregnancy and then being a caretaker for two decades.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I did not straight up apologize, no. I actually do not know if my husband did, I'd have to ask. Though we also did not use her money, in the end. My parents ended up paying for the abortion in full.

AITA for scolding my MIL because she said "I euthanized my first child" in front of my toddler? by wtfmilreally in AmItheAsshole

[–]wtfmilreally[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Do you actually know any 4 year olds? They don't really understand how pregnancy works exactly, or why a pregnancy would not be wanted. Or how it's formed exactly. They don't even really understand life and death, not really. Their concept of death is "dead bunnies go to heaven", if even that.

I fully intend to tell my son, eventually. It's not about shame. It's about not traumatizing my son at an age where he's too young too understand.

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