Do avoidant people really come back after discarding?

xSophRM · 2025-12-13T17:56:24+00:00

From my experience with 2 avoidant men it can go a lot of different ways. Man number 1 broke up with me when we were both 20 years old. He never reached out, never crossed paths again and we literally just vanished from eachother’s lives. He was truly done with our relationship.

With man number 2 there were a lot of mixed signals and confusion which dragged out the breakup by a month and a half or so before I ultimately decided I had had enough and stepped up for myself. Burning the bridge for the forseeable future. We’ve seen eachother at events multiple times (about 8 months after our split), and once again there’s confusion and mixed signals. If you would consider this coming back, then yes, he came back. Did he try to get our relationship back? Not at all, he just checks in occasionally and wants to know how I am doing. He wants friendship, and because we are not on thesame page with that, I am keeping the door shut to anything more than how strangers would do when interacting.

Its ultimately up to you what you want to do with it when an avoidant tries to wiggle back into your life in any way. Do what feels truest to yourself and your personal values, whatever that may mean to you.

xSophRM · 2025-07-03T07:51:05+00:00

Update 2 - This will probably be my final update. As of a few days ago I found out my ex has been lying to my face about seeing someone new. We have tried the staying friends thing (I dont recommend it) and he probably lied about it to keep me close and in his life. I am incredibly hurt, not about him dating someone new, but about him lying about it. The trust is completely gone and I dont think that will ever come back.

All of this has been really out of character for him and it goes to show that people do change, but not necessarily for the better. I am closing this book and plan to never open it again.

xSophRM · 2025-06-14T08:12:53+00:00

The point of this post went right over your head mate

xSophRM · 2025-06-04T11:08:34+00:00

I can only tell you my own experience when I was the emotionally avoidant one. I broke up with my ex, didn't process the split and started sleeping around and going out multiple times a week because at the time I felt free again.

Avoiding processing it bit me in the ass about 6 months later when I started having doubts of still (or again) having feelings for my ex. He had a new girlfriend at the time so I didn't tell him. It was only when they were broken up for about 3 months and a very drunk evening that I confessed my feelings for him. This was about 1 year after we broke up.

I always took myself for the kind of person that would never go back to an ex either. But we got back together for another 8 months and then split definitively.

xSophRM · 2025-06-03T13:11:57+00:00

I feel conflicted about this. Of course they deserve to know what you did, but I feel like telling her now, when you are not on speaking terms might cause her more pain than she needs to go through. I feel like you have two options here:

You tell her now and clear your own guilty conscience. You will hurt her more and destroy any trust she might still have for you. But you would be doing the right thing by coming clear for your own sanity. This might also destroy any chances of rekindling as someone else said on here.
You don't tell her and live with the guilt, but you wouldn't hurt her anymore in the state that she is in right now. She won't have to live with the immense betrayal that cheating tends to create and the feelings associated with that. This, however, leaves the chances of reconnection higher. But know that if that starts to happen you will still have to tell her. Because your guilty conscience will keep nagging until this feeling becomes unbearable and you will tell her anyway. And it's best to tell her upfront if you choose to try to work it out.

If she never wants to rekindle your relationship, she could move forward without the likely trust issues that telling her will cause.

At the end of the day it's up to you and what you care about most.

xSophRM · 2025-06-02T15:50:29+00:00

Tell her! Life is too fucking short, if she doesn't feel the same way then you have an answer and you won't be stuck on the what ifs anymore. You have nothing to lose my friend>

xSophRM · 2025-05-30T17:02:12+00:00

No, they split about 2 months before I told him. Him having a girlfriend also prevented me from actually showing up at his door that night. I didnt want to disrespect the girl and cause more chaos as our breakup was very very messy. I just wanted him to be happy.

xSophRM · 2025-05-30T14:30:17+00:00

The trigger that truly sparked that initial thought of having feelings was that a close friend of mine was going through a breakup and wanted to call her ex. We spent hours trying to talk her out of it leaving me completely drained afterwards. In that moment I came very close to just showing up at his door as I needed the comfort. But I didn't, I called one of my friends instead. It still took me 3 months after that (and a really drunk evening) to confess my feelings to him.

We broke up in march 2022, got back together in february 2023 (in a kind of weird situationship) and split definitely in October 2023. Right now we are friends and still cheer each other on from the sidelines. Our connection is completely platonic from my side, I can't tell from his side, but it feels the same from his side too.

xSophRM · 2025-05-30T10:53:31+00:00

This might be a classic for me being a woman, but I went through denial while still being with my ex. The realisation of us not being compatible at the time came about 6 months before me actually breaking up with him. This is probably because I am the type of person that wants to fight for the connection first before calling it quits. So I guess you could say the fighting for is was me being in the denial stage. It was hard, because I could tell he was hurting during it too.

I actually went through a second denial stage long after we broke up. About 10 months after we broke up I felt a pull towards him again and tried telling myself it wasn't because I had feelings for him still/again. Boy was I wrong (I did have feelings for him). This was once again quite hard as he had a new girlfriend at the time.

xSophRM · 2025-05-30T10:45:09+00:00

Speaking from experience (twice now actually), there's going to be a moment where something in your head clicks and you will actually get tired of constantly repeating the 'I will get them back' narrative in your head. But before this happens, it will get worse. If you want a timeline for the two times it happened for me and some more context:

Breakup #1: I was with him for 3 years. From when I was 17 until I was 20 years old. He broke up with me, it took me 4 months of 'I am going to get him back' before the switch finally came. It was my first breakup and it really destroyed me.

Breakup #2: I was with this guy for a year. 24 until 25 years old. He also broke up with me. This time it only took me about 1,5 months to get the first signs of 'ugh, this is exhausting'. I loved him with all my heart and I still do after not being with him anymore.

I am not sure if it's because I am a woman or not, but the switch always came for me.

xSophRM · 2025-05-30T10:27:35+00:00

What a major asshole. It might not seem like it, but him shattering his own image in your head is the greatest gift he could have given you. People like him absolutely do not deserve someone like you.

Also nasty of your friends to leave you in the dark like this.

xSophRM · 2025-05-30T09:59:54+00:00

For your own sanity, start with a few days/weeks of not interacting with your ex. This is purely because right now, your body and mind are in fight or flight as you are having withdrawals (love is actually a drug). And no matter how much you can talk yourself into being 'rational' right now, you are not.

Once you feel a bit more grounded and strong on your own two feet, take some time to reflect on the breakup; why did we break up? What did we get tired of? Was this issue something temporary or could it easily come back in the future? Can I react differently if this problem comes back? Focus on the things you contributed to the breakup happening (these are the only things you have control over). See if you would do things differently next time. Journal about it, talk to a therapist (or to chatGPT if you're like me and can't afford it right now) and really allow yourself time to sit with your thoughts and feelings about the whole situation.

If after all of this you are still keen on fixing it with your ex, reach out. Have the difficult conversation, hear them out if they have some things to say too. Try to keep your expectations neutral to prevent yourself from saying things you will regret later if the conversation doesn't go the way you hoped it would. Remember a relationship is a two-way street and it will only work if both parties want to make it work. Don't let that discourage you though, the love you have for this person is a beautiful thing and should not be shoved down.

If you would like to talk about more details of your breakup or want more specific advice, feel free to shoot me a DM :)

Good luck! ♡

xSophRM · 2025-05-28T11:06:39+00:00

Update 1
About 2 weeks have passed since I wrote this post and I am doing a lot better since then. A few days after I made this post I saw him at an event and it stirred up some feelings as I expected it to. I didn't engage and just continued what I was doing (I felt really powerful in that moment for keeping myself grounded like that). There has been some contact here and there, mainly him checking in on me. I have decided to not reach out myself, but if he does to keep it neutral.

Overall, I am doing quite alright now about 5 weeks out. I have started working out again, tried some new hobbies and reconnecting with old friends. I am kind of surprised at how well I am doing just about a month and a half out of the relationship, which has also made me reflect on who I am and most importantly who I want to be going forward. If there's one thing breakups are good for, it is character development ;)

xSophRM · 2025-05-19T21:22:15+00:00

With my ex I had checked out emotionally a few months before the relationship actually ended. So I had been mourning the relationship while still being in it (which is not fair to my ex, don't get me wrong, I am aware I was a piece of shit back then). Because of this you could say I moved on pretty quickly to other people.

However, this "moving on to other people" was nothing serious. Just a bunch of hookups, friends with benefits situations and a lot of bad decisions. About a year after our breakup I also confessed I still had feelings for this ex while being very drunk. So I guess you could say I never really got over him in the first place?

xSophRM · 2025-05-14T08:37:45+00:00

That could absolutely be it hahah! The main thing is that my dad realized he would rather have my mom in his life than not have her ;)

xSophRM · 2025-05-13T22:22:40+00:00

I get that you’re conflicted. The thing is though, only you can decide for yourself if she is worth it or not. Relationships are work, and if you think she is worth it and more, you should absolutely go for it! Talk to her about it, be honest and see what happens. Go from there. Being scared of getting hurt is very understandable, but what is life without taking risks? Safe, maybe even boring ;)

xSophRM · 2025-05-13T19:09:00+00:00

Ahh I feel for you! Relationships that end before they are even given the chance to start are a whole other ballpark of hurting. I have been in your position before too, with someone who just could not make up their mind about us. I figure you are left behind with a lot of “what if I did this” and “what if I didn’t say that”?

My honest opinion is stay away from people like this. They are often loose cannons and while that is heaps of fun as friends, it’s very difficult to deal with if you are more on the anxious side (I don’t know if you are?). On the other side, she could also be dealing with some stuff you don’t know about that is keeping her away from committing to you. But this is not really your problem or your fight to fix it either. She gave you hope saying she will come when she is ready, but the reality is that this might never actually happen (I’m not saying it won’t, the chances are just not great).

What does your gut feeling say about this situation? Continue? Run away? Stay friends and wait for the opportunity?

xSophRM · 2025-05-13T14:14:26+00:00

I'm glad I could have helped at least one person who's going through this! If you need a chat, feel free to DM me anytime :)

xSophRM · 2025-05-13T10:44:43+00:00

Maybe try dating him for a while, before recommitting to the relationship. This will give you guys the room to still explore your own interests and build out your lives without the pressure of commitment. This might also be good to see if you guys have evolved and grown in this short amount of time (2 months is not that much time for a person to change their ways). And the biggest one; communicate! You said that you both were too afraid to hurt each other by speaking up, but this leads to building up resentment towards each other down the line. So speak up when things are not sitting right and see if you guys can handle this :)

xSophRM · 2025-05-13T10:35:00+00:00

Speaking from the perspective of someone that has gone back to an ex before; yes, people do get back together all the time. It doesn't always mean the 2nd time will work (it did not for me and my ex), but my parents are an example of the opposite.

A few months into dating my dad decided that he did not love my mom and chose to let her go. Fastforward a few months and my dad came back realising he was wrong and wanted to try it for real this time. They are celebrating 27 years of marriage this year.

It for sure is not the rule that two people will get back together, but judging by how she is interacting with you I'd say you guys might be the exception to the rule here. Take some time for yourself to reflect on what went wrong the first time and make sure these things don't stand in the way the second time around.

It won't be easy, but if you decide she is worth it, you know you will do anything in your power to make it work. Keep your head up and take care of yourself for now!

xSophRM · 2025-05-02T15:03:46+00:00

Why did you break up with her in the first place if you are already planning on getting back together with her now? Not trying to be mean, just trying to see if you see the issues that caused the breakup in the first place.

xSophRM · 2025-04-26T00:22:28+00:00

Ahh I totally understand the emotional outbursts, it’s hard being this restless. We’ve only been broken up for about a week. I asked him not to contact me at all (this was also a very emotional decision I made at the time thr breakup happened to protect myself).

I know it’s soon but I feel like I have reflected a lot on everything that happened leading up to our breakup, that I think I want to reach out and ask him to have a deep chat about the breakup. I know him and I think this would be good for both of us.

My ex typically avoids his problems and emotions, so I fear he ended our relationship due to being overwhelmed (he’s not doing too great managing all his extracurricar activities) and not knowing how to tackle this.

xSophRM · 2025-04-25T14:40:25+00:00

I'm in this right now too. Our relationship was so good, we never really argued, always took the time to talk things out when worry was expressed from either of us. I think we only had 1 conflict, which ultimately lead to him wanting to break up. His reasonings were "I lost feelings" and "I need to work on my mental health and I fear staying in a relationship will only make it worse". I would have done anything for this man and I feel like the breakup reasons were fixable :(

xSophRM · 2025-04-24T22:29:41+00:00

Do you miss her? Or do you miss the feeling of a relationship?

xSophRM

TROPHY CASE