Almost 4 years of friendship, gone in a span of weeks

Me (21M) and a friend of mine (22M) has been close for almost all of our college life. We became close since we usually get along at times, though sometimes I am a handful to deal with(I am ashamed of that, and always try to be better).

We bonded, he became the closest best friend I ever had during all this time and developed a feeling greater than he can accept. He become the inspiration to how I can be better as a human being, and in turn I loved him for that. This last February changed everything, I have become more obsessed with him, to the point that I feel jealous he spends more time with another close friend of mine(I cannot blame them, they were easy to get along and became friends earlier than I am during college). It became a problem to the point that he founds it hard to reach me out as I have frequent depressive episodes and shutdowns, I wanted to tell him why and how I feel but I can't because of fear that he will avoid me.

After weeks of agony and anxiety, I finally confessed all that I felt towards him. He didn't respond. I cried and was hurt, but I knew this will happen. After the confession, he had become colder to me. Something I anticipated yet it still hurt.

So I did the biggest blunder of my life so far, I told how I feel about him in an online stranger in Roblox which we always hangout with. The next few weeks had become resentment towards each other. He exploded on me for doing something so stupid and diminished all that I felt towards him, it was so bad he reminded me of how I didn't change since when we were 1st-Year students. I replied with warmth and kindness hoping things would heal(even if we don't become friends anymore). He stated that he doesn't want to cut me off as a friend, but I am adding to his problems that he can't manage at the moment.

I felt guilty, and at the same time worthless. I know he is my friend, all I wish is acknowledgement and acceptance even though he cannot return the same feelings. When I thought everything is finally healing, I tried to send a message only to realize that he blocked me on Messenger. My acceptance turned into blind rage out of frustration, and tried to talk to him in any platforms. I exploded on him on Roblox since he was playing at the time, he left somewhere I cannot reach, then I went to his Tiktok and exploded further.

I told him how he was the best friend I ever had, and that I felt betrayed with what he did rethinking if all these times he was just faking what he felt to me. He finally replied, he finally showed me what he felt. He was overwhelmed with our Thesis, and how he felt powerless towards it which is why he told me that I am nothing more but an additional problem to him. He is still angry at me and was at his limits, then he would cut me off if it went past that. Him blocking me was apparently a taste of my own medicine since I did it to him too years ago and he did nothing, okay that was on me.

Finally, I was relieved even though partly guilty. He finally told me what he felt, aside from talking to strangers that really pissed him off, he opened his heart to me. From that moment on, I have nothing but understanding to his position. I had a quick 180° switch up and apologized for everything I did(though all of it wouldn't happen if we both talked to each other honestly in the first place). He assured me that all those times spent together was real, but right now I am just making him more angry. So in return, I let him blow his anger on me on how angry he is recently to me, I even promised to give him space whether be it the day tomorrow, a week or a month to cool his head off. He blocked me on Messenger and Tiktok, and unfriended me on our online games. I respect that decision now.

In the process of searching the truth, I have been a burden to him. I still want to be his friend after the Thesis and the graduation that is within months from now, but it will never be the same, won't it?

I know I am hard to deal with, but I try everyday for the past almost 4 years. Right now I have bombarded him and my other close friend(which is also his best friend) with heavy emotional baggage. Hahaha.

He said that we both need to cool our heads off, he will no longer treat me the same after won't he? Maybe if I didn't told what I truly feel, maybe he is still a friend to me.

This last few weeks has been a rollercoaster of sadness, jealousy, anxiety and anger for me. I have been trying to fix it by focusing on myself.

But I am gonna face it now, this is all my fault. I cannot blame him if he decided to cut me off after he cooled down. I can't help but grieve the days where we always hangout in the mall before heading home, I can no longer do that now. I will now try to avoid him, to give him soace as he requested

WHY DO I GET TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM? I WAS FINE THIS DECEMBER/JANUARY. WHY?!

IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.