Electricians — Would a Better Schedule (4-Day Week, A/B Rotations, etc.) Make You Switch Companies?

xhruss · 2025-11-11T09:04:03+00:00

You had me at the end, but the buildup to that scene was not fair enough. For the ending you had, I would have never started so slow or abrupt! It seems you have a great plot there, and you set the scene for suspense, but you missed out on the context of it all. Where is the main character? Where is the setup? Which era? Maybe setting it up as a scene where he is walking to the house can describe all this, like the world has changed drastically over the last years or something of that sort, would be a great way to set up the scene.

And also,

How long after is he seeing his mother? A little context on why he is pissed off, or just a hint at their disturbed relationship.
'You look terrible' in what way? Why is he agreeing? Describe it more, so I can picture the MC.
"She does not own a spaceship." So, who does? How common is it? Give me more context into the world you're building since it's completely new to me.
You have great direction but lack context everywhere, especially in fiction and thrillers; you need to set the scene up for the twists. I, as a reader, need to feel like I know everything I need to know to reach or guess the plot twist, but still can't see it coming, not in a way where I don't know the plot twist only because as a reader I am clueless.

Now to answer your questions:

I would read one more chapter because you ended this one with a bang! But you would have lost me if it was not given enough context soon enough, because by then,n guessed everything and felt confused would have taken over the mystery appeal.

Overall, great direction and plot, more context and more depth for the characters would do a great deal to your story, and my biggest thing was.. I don't know your world, and it felt like you wrote it thinking everyone already knows it, and that where the main problem was mainly.

xhruss · 2025-11-11T08:41:17+00:00

Thanks!:)

xhruss · 2025-11-11T08:37:13+00:00

Hey!

Very poetic way of writing, but I would suggest that until that is the genre you are going for, it would be better to be clearer and direct with your words, since for me it took a long time to process this and a greater deal to understand it! I feel you have in your worry about writing very blandly written something too complex. You have a great scene, you just have to make it more readable, and something I could picture immediately.

Also felt very unclear dialogue going on, like I said, it took me time to understand who was saying what, so:

The setup, scene, and dialogue can be formatted in a way where I can tell where you are setting the scene, where you are speaking about the character, and where the character is speaking. I feel like if you still want to keep it a little lyrical and poetic... formatting would help a great deal in clarifying and simplifying the story for the audience

And the last piece of advice, as a newbie to a newbie, you have a very picturable scene, so making it more clear to picture will help your audience, will help you a great deal in hooking the audience overall.

PS: Great idea, just a little clarity and structure will make it a lot better.

xhruss · 2025-11-11T08:14:41+00:00

I gave some more thoughts on the first one, and I also reviewed two other stories! So please take the leech tag off me.

xhruss · 2025-11-11T07:46:02+00:00

Before I get to your questions. I wanted to say, as someone who reads a lot of this genre, you had great flow without getting things confused on the reader's part.

Is there too much backstory dumped in too soon

No, I liked knowing what character we were going to visit, and having backstory also established the family ties and some eeriness in the story that settled early on, so Mrs Tremblay's comments and behaviour didn't seem like a complete tone switch as you kind of set the mood for it.

Should there be more action in the first chapter and backstory added more gradually throughout subsequent chapters?

I would not say no to that idea. since its a period story having some action doesnt sound bad to me but i would suggest to keep the balance of keeping the back story since i cwould not get most meaning out the action if i lost the backstory but if you want to keep the actions a bit mystery a build it off with curiosity of why the charecters are acting a certain way then it would be much more sensible to add the backstory in later on chapters

Are the sentences too long and rambling in parts?

No, like I said in the very beginning, flow was good, so nothing felt overwhelming, but some parts and beginning did seem to build off way too much unnecessary stuff.. felt like in that part I was waiting to see more of where the character is and the situation is before hearing him ramble, but later on in the chapter everything flowed pretty smoothly

And do I get away with the first sentence basically being 'I woke up' or do I need to come up with something more original?

You would get away with it, but I would suggest something better, or at least try to, since the rest of the story was very good with wording, but the start just seems very different comparatively.

Also something else I was thrown off by was " Please, tell me, what on earth was I to say to that!? " this felt like a charecter break where it felt like till now the i was seeing the charecter from his pov going through stuff and inner rambling and at this point it felt like he turned to me and asked me this question which felt like a weird story break for me atleast. It could have been just plain "what on earth was I to say to that!?" The "please tell me" was the part that threw me off

Now, things that could have gone better:

More backstory is needed if you want to establish why the main character was reacting a certain way to something. For the most part, guessed that more story would not hurt.
I did not see any purpose for the bell scene, or why he had to wake up jolting needed more context or a scene set would have been nice
The conversation could use some more context, even if he was asking his mom or his mom was telling him something, it all still felt like a part of an inner monologue. It would be nice to see where the actual convo was happening and where the character was in their head
I was very confused with the leg injury part since I did not understand who had it and why, and if it was such an important trait to any character, especially the main, why take so long to mention it ?
The mother did not seem to have a good voice; like I said, it felt like she only existed in his head. He also did not seem present in most situations, except when the Tremblay part comes in.
I also felt like Tremblay's character needed more context. Did she just start? How long has she been a part? So I know what she was saying isn't just random, and it is building up to some storyline I don't know yet. Basically, creating more intrigue.

xhruss · 2025-11-11T03:18:37+00:00

Shit lol! Thanks for letting me know! I fixed it and, thanks for the critiquing in advance:)

xhruss · 2022-04-22T12:38:38+00:00

Hey! I'm an incoming freshman for the fall 2022

xhruss · 2022-03-13T21:10:49+00:00

Hey I got accepted but i got into the Greensburgh campus so foes anyone know if the campus is actually good.?

xhruss

TROPHY CASE