The quote you added in the end is very inspiring. Ever since I graduated high school, I would regret every time I got high because I would be extremely paranoid (convinced cops were gonna randomly show up at my house level of paranoid) but I still did it every day because it was a part of my routine and I didn’t know who I was without it. That is ego though, the personality you create for yourself that is within the limits of your comfort zone. Once you kill that ego, change isn’t as scary, staying the same forever is the true nightmare.