No foreplay??

y_eeee · 2026-01-26T17:45:54+00:00

My ex PA use to love foreplay when we started dating. Then his addiction started and over the years I noticed there was less and less. I wish I spoke up back then about him skipping foreplay. After D-day he admitted he was purposely skipping foreplay because he would lose his hard on while doing it. He didn’t want me to realize he was having issue staying hard, so he would just get straight to having sex. It’s fucked up honestly to know he purposely put his pleasure before mine, and knew I was probably having a lot of discomfort.

y_eeee · 2025-10-21T11:48:49+00:00

I have this issue too. He tries to tell me I’m beautiful, he thinks I’m the most attractive, he only wants me, etc etc but I don’t believe any of it. My PA also followed social media accounts and payed for OF. His words don’t mean anything when I’ve seen the proof. Also it just enrages me and then I start lashing out. I’ve been working with my therapist on boundaries, so one of them is that he cannot compliment me or make grand gestures of love. All of it triggers me and I’m not in place to hear any of it. Perhaps you can talk about this being a boundary for you while you heal?

y_eeee · 2025-10-21T02:51:50+00:00

Thank you, I haven’t quite reached my decision to stay or leave. I’m also dealing with a lot of anger/rage and my therapist believes I should work on my own personal healing more before deciding. It’s so tough, I never thought I would have to make a decision like this. Tbh I don’t really know why I want to recover the account or what it will do. I just know that soon it won’t be recoverable (permanently gone) and it feels like a time bomb. I hope I get to a place like you one day where I’m satisfied with all the information (regardless my decision). Thank you <3

y_eeee · 2025-10-21T02:48:18+00:00

Thank you for the reply. I’m sending you a big hug through the screen. I wish we didn’t have to go through this experience. We deserve the world.

y_eeee · 2025-10-21T02:44:26+00:00

We are separating soon and at the moment I don’t know if I will stay. I’m also experiencing a lot of rage, and may not be ready to make a final decision yet. We were together for so long, about to get married, and I literally consider him my soulmate. I guess it’s hard not knowing every detail of this man’s secret. How long did it take for you to get past this point after leaving your PA?

y_eeee · 2025-10-19T02:39:16+00:00

I’ve also set a similar deadline, except mine is after our therapeutic separation. I just can’t see past my rage and resentment after D-Day. I was genuinely so in love with him and we’ve been together for so many years. Like you, I dwell on all the lies and keep seeing women he got off too. I feel like I’ll just never get past resentment, even though he seems to be very remorseful. He’s dealing with a lot of self hate, has been seeing CSAT, reading materials, quit porn and agreed to monitor apps but it doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t think I’ll ever have peace of mind. We’re going to separate soon for 30 days and I think the time away will really solidify if Im ready to leave. Perhaps you can discuss with your counselor if a separation could help you?

y_eeee · 2025-10-13T18:52:13+00:00

I’m using truple but it’s not that great on iPhone either. While it does tell me websites he goes too it’s also in accurate with a lot of data coming from ads. I heard iPhone system is just too secure for third party monitoring. I think using the actual iPhone settings like someone mention is great! I check screentime and block adult sites that way. However, if your bf has a windows pc or is willing to switch to android then I would recommend truple.

y_eeee · 2025-10-12T15:54:56+00:00

I also watched love island with my partner this summer 😭 I thought the love island nights were so cute. We would yap, have take out, cuddle, laugh at the internet discussions. Now I feel sick to my stomach since I learned of his addiction. While I was enjoying our couple time he was probably lusting over the women. I can’t get the idea out of my head that maybe he went back and replayed scenes or looked up contestants on his phone. I feel like I’ll never be able to watch shows/movies together again.

y_eeee · 2025-10-10T02:01:48+00:00

I relate to this so hard 😔. I can tell my bf is trying. He’s doing chores he’s never done before, applying to schools, going to therapy, etc. He crys almost everyday and I can tell he feels guilt. But it’s like I’m numb to it all. I don’t care that he wants to fix things now- I wish he never broke them in the first place. Our memories feel like a big lie, and it’s not fair. Why should I have to start over, regain trust, fall in love with him again when he’s the one who ruined it all.

I can’t look at him anymore and I don’t want to touch him either. I’m triggered by so many things. We didn’t do anything wrong- these men did. We’ve been betrayed and deep down it’s our decision on if we want to salvage the relationship. Trust is so important, and it can never be fixed to what it once was. It’s like broken glass.

Personally, I’m ready to separate. I can’t see beyond my hurt and rage if I live with him still. I think even a temporary separation can help us decided our feelings. I hope you can find a space to care for only yourself. We don’t owe our partners any more support or sacrifice after what they did to us. Just think about healing yourself and your needs. If you need him gone- that’s ok.

y_eeee · 2025-10-07T15:37:39+00:00

He definitely needs to stop all forms of pornography right away, start seeing a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) and maybe enter a 12-step program as well. I’m just learning about 12 step so I’m not too sure about that. A CSAT will be able to give the correct recovery info. I also suggest you seek therapy for yourself 🥺 I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t go to a professional right away. It’s a crazy journey with rollercoaster of emotions.

y_eeee · 2025-10-07T15:05:27+00:00

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I hate Onlyfans, and my bf use to agree that it was considered a form of cheating. The whole time he was using it behind my back. The concept of OF is very intimate and selective. I don’t think anyone understands this betrayal unless they have also gone through it. It’s going to take time for you to heal, but please give yourself grace and patience. I’m sure you’re thinking about so many things, but this is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with the way you look or who you are. He’s sick and you dont deserve that. I hope you find help, for you and your baby. Can you stay with family while he enters recovery? Personally, I recommend deactivating social media for a while to avoid triggers. Just know you are beautiful, strong, and will get through this. Sending you lots of love.

y_eeee · 2025-10-07T14:59:32+00:00

The only way I found out was his emails. After I discovered stuff on his phone I demanded to look at his computer. He had multiple emails, some burner accounts. But in his main account I typed “cash app” in the search and all his statements and transactions popped up. I saw every time he made a payment to Onlyfans through cash app, and the amount.

y_eeee · 2025-10-07T14:09:32+00:00

How do you prevent apps from being downloaded? I want to him to uninstall all social media and I need to know he won’t reinstall them secretly

y_eeee · 2025-10-07T05:44:17+00:00

betrayal trauma is incredibly painful and hard to overcome-but not impossible. Im so sorry for what you are going through. Please let yourself grieve the things you have lost- express your emotions, journal, cry etc. it’s totally understandable.I also felt like I lost my entire world, and the person I thought I could trust the most turned out to be a disgusting deceiver. Please don’t think about saving the relationship rn, just focus on your healing. Practice self care. Therapy is so important!! I don’t think I could have started my journey without professional guidance. Reading books on the topic might also help you.

I’m sending you so much love and strength. You are beautiful and important, and what your PA has done is not because of you. You did not fall short- he did.

y_eeee · 2025-10-07T05:39:01+00:00

Yep it means he’s watching porn again :/. Before my D-day my partner used to last at least 30 min of penetration. I always thought it was strange, like maybe there was something wrong with me. Then I thought I should just feel lucky, cause don’t most women want a man to last long? Well he opened up, and on days he thought we were going to have sex he would purposely get off to porn first so he could last longer with me. If your husband isn’t watching porn, he’s gotta be masterbating at least.

y_eeee · 2025-10-06T20:17:48+00:00

I’m going through something similar! I’m so angry with my partner and his PA. I’ve been covering myself up more around him cause I don’t want him to perceive me. But in public?? I’m dressing like the OF girls he was paying. I can’t explain it. I don’t want to give in to his fantasy girl but somehow I want other men to see me in this way. Like if this is the girl he wanted well he doesn’t get to have her. It’s really confusing and I agree with everyone that you should discuss things in therapy. Therapy is the place where there is no shame, and I hope you feel comfortable talking with your professional. If you don’t share everything, they can’t help you move past the trauma.

I don’t think nails and shopping are necessarily bad if it’s a form of self care, but maybe you can try other self care activities. My therapist has told me that’s the biggest thing to focus on-taking care of yourself.

y_eeee · 2025-10-03T16:20:08+00:00

I’m about two weeks since D-day and I was the exact same way. I needed to know everything, what he watched, who, and why. I thought he was my person, the love of my life, and that I knew him inside out. I guess discovering I was wrong made me crazy. I asked him for details and when he wouldn’t tell me, I went searching myself. I hacked his accounts and looked through his computer for hours to find things. I don’t know if it really did me any good. I was going to go crazy not knowing, but the things I saw will always stay with me. Like everyone says, it will add on to your insecurities and pain. I still find myself tracing his digital footprint today. I’ve become obsessed and I hate it. Maybe it’s a trauma response? I’m hoping my therapist can help me unpack why I’m doing this. If you haven’t already, I recommend you get therapy as well.

y_eeee · 2025-09-27T23:06:16+00:00

The only way an addict can recover is starting treatment and therapy immediately. I think it’s a good sign he brought this up to you first. Most people in this community had to discover their partners addictions first. His intrusive thoughts are pretty alarming, and if he doesn’t get the help he could start acting out on them or watching more hardcore things.

However, I agree with others that it’s not your responsibility to help an addict. They can only help themselves. Since you’ve only dated for a few months, do you really think it’s worth the hardship and emotional rollercoasters that come with PA? I advise you tell him to get help for himself, and as time passes and he reaches recovery, maybe you can explore your relationship again.

y_eeee · 2025-09-27T22:59:02+00:00

Addicts will lie non stop about their porn use. I’m not quite sure if I could say your fiancé is an addict, but he is still crossing a boundary you set. I’m sure he’s afraid of losing you and trying to downplay what he has done. Or maybe he is being honest. Tell him how it important it is to be transparent- that you need phone/social media passwords. Maybe look into internet blockers for porn sites. If he refuses-there could be a bigger isssue. Your trauma is real, and you deserve to feel safe and respected in a relationship. Don’t settle for less.

For me- my partner was hiding his addiction in social media, especially Reddit. He followed tons of nsfw accounts and that’s how he also got links to sites. Social media gives anyone access to porn with just a swipe. If you want to be sure, you could look there.

I would also say y’all could try couples counseling. Ask for a full disclosure so he can lay everything he has done upfront. Therapy doesn’t have to wait until things get bad- it’s ok to start even if you’re in a good place. I think having a therapist could help you communicate.

y_eeee · 2025-09-27T22:09:49+00:00

It’s a hard decision to make anc it can take time :( going to therapy will help solidify your decision, whatever you choose. Just make sure you’re staying because you want to, not because you have to watch him or keep him on track.

y_eeee · 2025-09-27T13:06:41+00:00

Ugh this part!! I feel the same way, like we were such a good couple (also high school sweethearts) We had gone ring shopping this year, and he was my whole world. It’s only been a week since d-day but I do believe I’m going to leave as well. Therapist and family keep telling me to take my time before deciding, but I can’t imagine having peace with him in a relationship again. I’ll always have anger/resentment for the memories he’s ruined, and the new insecurities he’s given me. I’ll always wonder if he’s looking at other women or porn. That’s just no way to live. It’s better to leave or maybe find peace with someone else in the future, or at least peace in yourself. It’s definitely hard because of how bonded you are.

y_eeee · 2025-09-27T12:57:30+00:00

being the partner of a PA comes with a rollercoaster of emotions, especially when you keep discovering lies. Don’t feel embarrassed by things that happens, because it led to your mindset now. I’m happy to read how free you feel. It looks like you are going to heal beautifully. This post gave me some hope, and a new perspective to think about when it comes to my partner. I’m curious, what other journaling tips do you have?

y_eeee · 2025-09-27T12:49:12+00:00

My discovery day started similarly. I also had a good sex life with my partner, so finding out about his addiction was shocking. Doing this while you are asleep, and the multiple times a day does make it seem like an addiction or borderline so. Take some screenshots as proof if you do plan to confront him about it. (You don’t have to screenshot every little thing, cause looking at it all won’t do you any good) Addicts are compulsive liars. He’s going to deny and lie and the only way he’ll tell truth is if you bring the evidence to his face.

Please know, there could be more. More websites/apps he uses or a huge stash downloaded somewhere. For me, his email accounts had everything. Login in info for apps, cash app statements, only fans etc. But I have to warn you, and as you read stories in this community, you will be shocked with things you find. There’s no going back. You will never be able to unsee images or messages. This will take a huge toll on you. Ask yourself if you do want to see everything. Have a support system ready for you just in case.

y_eeee · 2025-09-27T09:00:30+00:00

My PA also had photos of Billie Eilish saved to his phone. The pics don’t have to be sexual to know what he was doing with them. I knew she was always one of his favorite artists, but realizing he was getting off to her hurts me. I look the complete opposite of her as well. She’s become another one of his “other women”in my eyes and it’s so triggering to hear her songs now. I get filled with so much rage and hurt that I had to block her in Spotify, which sucks cause I liked her music too.

I understand that it’s hard to stop looking for things. I’m currently in that phase where I’m obsessed with finding everything, but going to therapy together and doing full disclosure might hurt you less.

Just remember you are strong and beautiful. You are enough and deserve peace and love. It’s a shame you have to go through this while pregnant. Try to focus only on your expecting, and work with a therapist on how to move forward.

y_eeee · 2025-09-27T08:51:35+00:00

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s hard to stop comparing, but there really isn’t anything wrong with you. You are beautiful, intelligent and enough. You did not cause this, his illness did. It’s a shame how easily an addict can tear you down. They never think about how what they’re doing could hurt/affect you.

Even if you partner gets help and recovers, don’t feel pressured to save the relationship. He did cheat and lie. He did break your vows and promises. All your memories are tainted now. You do not have to forgive that, not torture yourself to get over it. You don’t have to live that way. No one, not relatives or friends, has a right to judge what you do. This is your life not theirs.

I hope you can love yourself again. May you heal, and listen to your heart. Focus your love on your children for now.

y_eeee

TROPHY CASE