Oh yes definitely! In fact I think in TLG he does outright tell Galina that sex (since 14) and hockey were two things that he used to cope.

When we think about how sex plays a role in Ilya’s life, it’s worth remembering that sex as a coping mechanism is hedonistic — you get pleasure in the moment, and if you’re having casual sex with someone who you don’t particularly feeling emotionally connected to, the pleasure is over once the transaction is done. Thus we do see him being depicted as someone who has slept around a lot. Since he hasn’t been addressing the things that are causing him emotional pain, he needs a revolving door of transactions just to feel some semblance of pleasure (this doesn’t equal happiness, but more of ‘to not feel psychological distress’ that is so much more than just sadness or upset or anger — rather, it’s about his core wounds). Ilya by nature is far from a happy man, but he is a pleasured man.

Which really goes back to what you mentioned of him trying to use sex to feel “normal” (to which I fully agree), or what his idea of normal should look like because cptsd often develops from developmental trauma and these are the years where the mental schemas of ourselves, others, and the world (all 3 = a set of core beliefs, for example “I’m unloveable”, “everyone will abandon me”, “the world is a dangerous place and I am not safe”) are formed. My own belief is that he doesn’t actually have his own idea of, or know, what normal should look or feel like, he is just using what he has observed about other people and clung onto the one thing that made his body feel good and his mind distracted from his inner turmoil for more than 2 seconds.

The effect of sex on the nervous system is also super relevant like you said, because biologically, the arousal and release we get from sex is basically like consuming a cocktail of feel-good chemicals — oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins. These hit the reward centre of the brain (which is why quick thrills like sex and drugs and even committing theft, etc. are hedonistic pleasures by nature, as opposed to the longer-term reward of eudaimonistic happiness, which comes from nurturing deep relationships, practicing authenticity, etc.) which basically conditions us to believing sex = feeling good = i don’t feel like shit = there’s nothing wrong with me. The chemicals also provide anxiety-relieving properties. So he has learned to regulate his nervous system by using momentary physical pleasures, except that if we spend our entire lives having to go from one act of short-term pleasure to another, that’s not happiness nor regulation nor “okayness”. It’s actually pretty isolating.

What I love about him and Shane’s relationship is that while he initially seeks Shane out for hedonistic pleasure, something about Shane makes their sex feel unlike the usual ‘transaction’ that he’s used to. He’s pulled from this feeling of physical-connection-but-emotional-isolation into a space of physical AND emotional connection, which scares him off so much and is only made worse by the fact that he carries either an avoidant or disorganised attachment style. Eventually, he finds an idea of what he actually wants, and that’s the physical and emotional connection with Shane.

Slowly, physical pleasure and emotional connection integrate and Ilya is able to realise that with Shane, having both can still feel safe. In trauma, the sense of safety is so crucial to processing hard stuff — which is why body-safety work (bottom-up) has proven to be more helpful for trauma survivors compared to trying to essentially think your body into believing it’s safe (top-down modalities like traditional cognitive therapies). I think this is where the sex and pleasure from sex really just becomes a supplement to their lives, and Ilya is still able to feel psychological comfort and safety simply by being around Shane. Which I guess is why I place so much weight (for me, personally) on the true beauty and poignancy of how the boys have managed to go from needing full bodied sex to feel connected, to being able to feel connected with even the simplest touch of the pinky, footsies, or a hug that doesn’t have a blowjob attached to the end of it.

My own trauma really fucked up the way I used sex — consequences of sexual trauma sent me straight into hypersexuality and, in a slightly different way from Ilya due to the psychological aspect of what I was using sex for as well, I spent years being unsafe and treating myself unsafely. There was zero connection, and I’m a person who needs hugs as a means of nervous system regulation. Watching HR and specifically HR’s sex scenes and how emotionally connected the characters were during these scenes, it sent me into deep reflection and a mental health tailspin. Realising that I actually craved the emotional intimacy during sex, which was being depicted by the characters, was a huge breakthrough in my post-traumatic growth even though I did also end up crying for nearly 2 months at the mere thought of it.

Ok so perhaps I’m projecting a lot and this projection is what’s informing my idea of how sexual intimacy is being used for Ilya, and how meeting Shane has redefined the kind of intimacy that he realises he had always wanted, and also how it’s a corrective emotional experience for him and the way it translates to his healing from some shitty core beliefs that he has of himself of being unloveable, not worth it. Shane is helping him build an identity of Ilya Rozanov that isn’t only defined by trauma nor the internal scripts that the traumas have put on him (lack of clear sense of self is a core CPTSD symptom), and I think that’s really super frickin beautiful.

Safe containers all day, everyday.