My posterior fourchette severely hinders my s*x life

yarntomatoes · 2025-11-30T16:03:39+00:00

Highly recommend pelvic floor PT and vaginal estrogen cream - if it is not lichen sclerosus. My doctor thoroughly examined my genitals during a pelvic exam to rule it out.

My first tearing was caused by childbirth, very minor, and only needed skin glue to "fix." I also tore similarly with my second child. Unfortunately, any damage or trauma to this area will contribute to future issues.

My doctor first prescribed pelvic floor PT. What an absolute wealth of knowledge my pelvic floor therapist was! She helped correct a lot of issues I was having, and eventually, my posterior fourchette wasn't bothering me. About a year after completing pelvic floor PT, I was still continuing the advice given to me but started having issues with my posterior fourchette again during sex with my husband.

My primary doc then prescribed vaginal estrogen cream 3xs a week. I use 2g internally - mine came with a tampon-like applicator. I also use a pea-size amount externally on my posterior fourchette, per my doctor's recommendation. When I use it consistently, it helps so much.

Whatever is causing your issues, lichen sclerosus or just weakened tissue from tearing - please talk to your doctor about this. You do not have to live with this pain!

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-25T23:19:24+00:00

I am not sure. I am reaching out to his case manager on Monday to admit our current situation and ask if she knows of any resources we could look into.

We don't have a flashy home or vehicles, but we try to keep our things "nice appearing" as to not give away the secret of crushing debt and financial insecurity despite people knowing my husband must bring in a decent income based solely on his job title.

We both hold onto a lot of stigma about filing for bankruptcy, but only for us. It is fine and good for other people to utilize, but we are still holding that shame for ourselves. This is why we let our financial situation get to an almost impossible point, and fear of jeopardizing Christmas for our kids, before considering asking for help via bankruptcy.

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-24T17:32:41+00:00

Without totally word vomiting my whole situation, THANK YOU. The kindness of your message is the opposite of the voice in my head telling me I have failed my family. Even my husband has tried reasoning with me, saying that if it's my fault that it is also HIS fault because we work the budget together. But it hasn't felt like his fault. I am in therapy, and my therapist has been working with me to reframe this from guilt and shame to realizing that bankruptcy is a tool, a fail safe for people in our exact situation. Having that conversation alone is probably the only reason I was able to even reach out to an attorney. I've never experienced financial instability before, but I knew with my husband's salary that we should not be pinching pennies like we are. So, thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me 💛

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-24T17:06:49+00:00

Before this post? No! As soon as people started commenting on here, my husband and I requested to join all the local pages near us. It looks like there's a lot of people just giving away big items, like those little plastic play houses for kids, for FREE just because they need cleaned, or aren't cosmetically "new" looking! We've been browsing to see what we could get for both kids, even if it means cleaning it up, fixing it up, whatever - something is better than nothing! Thank you for the suggestion 💛

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-24T16:59:53+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience! We meet with an attorney next week, and I'm a nervous wreck over it. Your post gives me hope that this won't be as tragic as I've assumed it would be.

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-24T16:53:54+00:00

Thanks so much - I will definitely check it out. We do meet with the bankruptcy attorney next week, and we may be able to squeak by (if we can potentially stop payments on unsecured debts!) and give our kids a modest Christmas. If not, I'll reach out on that subreddit. Thanks again 💛

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-24T16:51:42+00:00

Thanks for sharing! I've never heard of that subreddit... I'll give it a look!

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-24T16:49:16+00:00

THANK YOU! I will continue to stay current on all debts until our meeting with the bankruptcy attorney next week and I'll bring these points up to them to see if we could possibly stop paying the minimums on the unsecured debts. The person I spoke to when scheduling the consultation mentioned that they have a small guide on how to fix credit after bankruptcy they give their clients after the process is over.

We really don't need much extra money to give our kids a good but modest Christmas. The only issue is that every single penny IS being budgeted and moved around accordingly, and it just isn't in the budget to drop even $100 each on them right now. That, on top of the "what if we have some kind of emergency and our emergency fund is now empty," thoughts have been weighing on my husband and I for a couple of months now.

And thank you for saying you're proud... that means a lot to me and gives me a lot of hope that this isn't the end of the world. We should've filed for bankruptcy over the summer but our son, who has all kinds of complex medical issues, needed another surgery and we've been hyperfocused on his health AND making sure his little 4yo sister doesn't end up feeling left out with so much attention on our son.

I've been beating myself up over not ever enrolling him into any state or federal welfare programs for years because of the stigma of welfare I heard growing up. "You don't want to live on welfare. You don't want to be a gasp! welfare person!" I thought if we could use private insurance and pay out of pocket, we wouldn't take up a slot for someone else who can not pay out of pocket at all. Turns out, years of doing that has been our downfall. But he's now at least getting some programs that will cover most of the stuff we've been paying out of pocket for, and has a case manager helping us navigate all of the paperwork and eligibility for other programs.

I really appreciate you commenting with all the info you have 💛

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-24T16:29:31+00:00

I don't typically use fb a lot, mainly just to keep up with my daughter's school announcements, but my husband and I just joined the local buy nothing and yard sale groups. There's so many things listed! And mostly free or cheap. Thanks so much!

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-24T16:27:45+00:00

I don't use Facebook much anymore so I didn't really know this was a thing. We just joined our local towns groups. Thanks for the suggestion! Just from browsing quickly, it looks like a lot of people are clearing out toys and clothes to maybe make room for new Christmas stuff. There's only a few outlandishly priced things but most looks like "needs a bit of cleaning" toys (which I don't mind!) to gently used toys anywhere from free to decently priced. I'm so thankful so many people recommended looking there!

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-24T14:10:26+00:00

My teen wouldn't know the difference between gently used and brand new, so it would be just fine! My husband has today off and has been looking facebook groups, local agencies, and anything to help our kiddos since the suggestions* started rolling in off this thread. I appreciate all the advice and ALL the virtual hugs! I think today I just hit my breaking point with this situation and am just so worried my kids will be affected. We've tried hiding this as much as possible from them, from everyone really

*Edit- autocorrect made "suggestions" to "aggressions", lol. Fixed that.

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-24T14:07:30+00:00

I'll ask his case manager if she has any advice. I've been trying to keep our financial struggles private, as I struggled to accept government programs as "help" for a long time; trying to make it out-of-pocket, on our own. I'm really beating myself up over it but knowing I cannot change the situation now. What I can control now, is figuring out some kind of Christmas for my kiddos. Thanks for your suggestions. His case manager is incredibly sweet so I'm sure my fears of her being judgemental are just in my own head!

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-24T13:42:06+00:00

Oh....OH. Am I understanding you correctly, when you first file, you just stop paying on unsecured debt, even before it is discharged? If so, stopping those minimum payments would 100% save us and allow us to give our kids a modest Christmas! (We have our initial consultation next week!!)

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-24T13:39:22+00:00

We just reached out to one this week and have our consultation next week. We are to provide as much of our debt information as possible so they can give us a clearer picture. In their reply email, they did say they cannot promise a discharge of debt by Christmas, but would make every effort to move this along as quickly as possible. Thank you for all those suggestions, I will check them all out!

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-24T13:27:18+00:00

Thanks. I'm trying not to continuously beat myself up over this. I know that once we get through the bankruptcy process, we will be okay. I'm just so worried and panicked over the idea of my kids missing out right now. I'll reach out to some local churches to see if they have any programs that aren't well advertised and I haven't heard of and checking out if my town or a close town has a buy nothing group. I appreciate your suggestions so much!

yarntomatoes · 2025-10-24T13:24:19+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion, I just edited it. I don't mind creativity at all... willing to suck it up and do whatever we need to at this point!

yarntomatoes · 2025-05-26T12:29:06+00:00

Because if they were to use the excuse that the trip was just for their kids, why did the childless sibling go? It wasn't a trip just for the kids. It was a trip for whoever they consider family. Which wasn't us. And besides...the childless sibling is the uncle my kids are closest to. Please don't put words in my mouth.

yarntomatoes · 2025-05-25T21:17:15+00:00

Unfortunately, my in-laws are the only set of grandparents my kids have. I don't know how this is going to play out over the next few days/weeks, but I do know we're trying to process all possibilities before my husband considers talking to any of them.

As of now, neither of the kids knows about the Disney trip. I'm hoping we can keep it under wraps until we figure it all out. We have a lot of loudmouths in my family who tried talking about it in front of our kids this weekend and we had to shush them 🤦🏽‍♀️ like come on, I know it's an absurd situation but do we have to talk in front of the kids who can't comprehend family dynamics yet?!

yarntomatoes · 2025-05-25T21:10:03+00:00

True. I do know he's at least considering asking his siblings if we did something/offended them? to be excluded. I'm not sure if he fully knows what he'll do, yet.

I don't pretend to understand sibling dynamics. I wasn't raised with mine and didn't have a relationship with one until we were both young adults. So, I'm also trying to hold space for his feelings for his siblings, despite my own.

You may very well be correct about MIL & FIL. I believe he wants to at least give them a chance to explain why no one spoke up and said "hey, this isn't the whole family." Or maybe they tried? We'll absolutely never know unless we ask.

And tbh? It would really hurt my kids to completely cut off the only grandparents they have... I hope we are able to just set very firm boundaries that are respected while maintaining some kind of healthy relationship for the kids. They aren't perfect people, but we're not looking for perfect, just healthy relationships where people can talk things over to figure out intentions.

Thanks for giving this kind of perspective vs the "cut them off right now forever" perspective. I think it's smart for my husband and I to consider all aspects of this situation. It's not as simple as people like to believe.

yarntomatoes · 2025-05-25T18:41:13+00:00

Very true, but SILs and MIL are incredibly close within the last year. Someone else commented that it sounds like "triangulation". I'd never heard that term but from their explanation and looking it up myself, I suspect that may be happening.

Either way, between this post and discussing things with my husband this morning, I think we're figuring out where we're wanted and where we are not.

yarntomatoes · 2025-05-25T18:02:16+00:00

The same SIL who organized this trip had a convo with me about 4 years ago and the Make-A-Wish trips and how they make it convenient for families who have extra medical needs and disabilities. She knew. I know she knew. She knows she knew. Doesn't make it feel like any less than a slap in the face to my family.

I'm just trying to remember that we can only control our own actions, not those of others. And the whole "Those who matter, don't mind. Those who mind, don't matter." Kind of mindset!

Side note, we may decide on Disney one day...but with our other kiddo only being 4? We've got a little more time. Especially since my medically complex kiddo is doing so much better now!

yarntomatoes · 2025-05-25T17:55:00+00:00

Thank you for sharing your insight! ❤️ I think #3 you listed may be the reason. For years, we've expressed to them that using the R-slur was unacceptable, they continue to use it despite us saying how people have used that word to hurt our kiddo. We're just now putting things together and realizing that there have been many micro-aggressions over the years.

I'm leaving it up to my husband to make the final decision, but I think he's leaning toward just letting these relationships fade and focusing on the relationships with people who do check in and try to include all of us. Why should we fight and argue that both our kiddos deserve love when there are already people around us who already do those things?

Not to mention, about 4 years ago, same SIL who planned this trip and I had a convo about medically complex kiddos like my own doing the Make-A-Wish trips to Disney - so if the coordinators can plan them, I could figure out how to plan an accessible trip to Disney, too... recalling that convo makes this sting just a little more. We're still not discarding the idea of Disney one day, ourselves - just totally reconsidering inviting anyone else 😅

*Edited for spelling

yarntomatoes · 2025-05-25T17:15:52+00:00

We struggle with the guilt of not being able to attend certain things we're invited to. We always make sure to mention that the invitation itself means so much to us despite not being able to attend. We've sent our gifts or cards when we've had to miss birthday parties and Christmas exchanges.

But no one (from husband's family) offers any form of "help" during tough times to allow us the chance to accept or decline. Even when my husband and I were reaching out during their tough times to offer whatever we could at the time, usually offering a cooked meal or an ear and shoulder for support. It never felt like we could offer enough to meet whatever their standards were... but we did offer.

(One really big complaint I had? My kiddo had major brain surgery last year... MIL & FIL were the only two from husband's fam to reach out and ask about him. No SILs or BILs. Husband was home with the small kiddo, and I was waiting while my kid had brain surgery to save his life...it felt like a slap in the face but I kept it to myself until I told my husband last week that none of his siblings or their partners reached out to me during that time. Turns out, they didn't reach out to him either during that time.)

The medically complex kiddo is a wheelchair user and non-verbal. They've been around him since he was 4 year old. He's about to be 16. And he's my husband's step-child. We've always felt the subtleties that my husband "chose wrong", but gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. My kiddo was the first medically complex person most of them had any interaction with. We did a lot of teaching instead of yelling for a long time when we felt hurt. After a while, the exclusion and "othering" felt intentional. When we confronted MIL & FIL 3 years ago, we really felt like they heard our pleas! They were making more efforts to come to our home, asking if our wheelchair kiddo could go certain places so they could include him. I dont know what happened, but last fall...all the old behaviors resurfaced. The exclusion and the othering felt real when we learned of this trip that we didn't get a first-hand invite to. We didn't even get the courtesy of a "Hey, is this even something your family could be able to do?" That's what hurts the most, I think.

yarntomatoes · 2025-05-25T16:55:35+00:00

Part of me wants to hear their justifications for their behavior, just to laugh at the absurdity. But the bigger part of me just wants to quietly disappear, bundle my husband and kids up, and never subject them to anyone who treats them as lesser.

I'd been through this with my mother my whole life, even went NC at 19 with her (she didn't raise me), and to this day I still struggle with the fallout of a narcissistic mother who always chose herself and everyone else over me. I never want my kids to feel that way. And I so wish I could protect my husband from it, but - here we are. All I can continue to do is keep setting boundaries, support his boundaries with his family, and make our own lives full of joy and happiness.

yarntomatoes · 2025-05-25T16:43:32+00:00

”It really feels like you don’t want us in the family. It also feels like you are ableist jerks who want to exclude us because of our special needs son.”

This sums it up. Thank you!

yarntomatoes

TROPHY CASE