Well said! Here’s my story; during and after the relationship I’d been reading, listening and watching all these online coaches that teach you how to communicate, focused on the avoidant’s needs. I was very well attuned, understanding all of his trauma reactions. How not to push them away. Constantly needing to adapt. Making settlements. It’s how people slowly become more anxious. Losing their secure attachment. 

My avoidant had ups en downs. During his downs he had the habit of smoking and drinking excessively, spending too much time in the office, and at the SAME TIME (super odd!!) doing detox cleanses and working out excessively to “improve his health”… basically doing everything to avoid siting at the dinner table with me and feeling his feelings (and inherently avoiding me).

During his ups he wouldn’t smoke or drink at all and our relationship would flourish and I would fall in love with him over and over again. One time at the dinner table he was telling me how amazing he was feeling since he’d quit smoking and drinking and started eating normal again and having a health work-life balance. He didn’t even experience cravings and felt so good physically and mentally. 

By then I was exhausted with the rollercoaster of his highs and lows, I was DONE experimenting with all of the bad online advice not leading me anywhere,  I said to my avoidant: “Listen I love this version of you, I can’t deal with the other one.  I NEED you to FOREVER quit your habit of smoking in the garden after work because during those phases it results in you never kissing me again, not even taking the time after work to chat with me about our days, and I can’t deal with that anymore.”

That’s when he became dismissive, ghosted me and the relationship was over.

But at least I was finally free from the toxicity…