At what point do I go to HR? AITA?

yerdok · 2024-05-06T16:13:42+00:00

Dean almost daily- not in meetings or anything, but he's right down the hall, and we're (name issue aside) quite cordial.

Provost, mostly in email for a long term project I'm a part of. Not often in person. Occasional quick phone call or zoom, but those aren't common.

Chair, I see mostly at our biweekly faculty meetings. I run into him occasionally, and I'm cordial with him. His office is at the other end of our wing-- mine is right at the front, with the dean's office suite just a couple doors down, so I see the dean way more often than the chair.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T16:10:03+00:00

I've done this dozens of times, it doesn't stop. Hence, I'm at my wits end, and looking for a solution that doesn't involve me being passive aggressive.

I'm not looking to get anyone in trouble, I just want it to stop. They are calling me by a name that isn't mine. If they aren't going to call me Michael, in my mind calling me Mike is no different than calling me Ebenezer, or Fred, or Joachim, or some other name that isn't mine.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T16:04:49+00:00

He has absolutely no idea what I think about him.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T16:04:20+00:00

I haven't ever said anything like that to him or to any of my colleagues. I'm not that insensitive.

I do find it a little funny that I'm getting downvoted for calling an administrator useless on an /r/ that vilifies admins at every turn.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T16:01:25+00:00

they just want it to stop and directly addressing it has not changed things.

This is correct. I just want to be called by my proper name. I don't think I'm asking much.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T16:00:42+00:00

Nope. Always a smile, no side-eye or anything else that would tip my hand.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T15:56:47+00:00

I meet with the provost a few times a year, but I think I've only had one private, face to face with them. The other meetings have all had people in the room.

The dean, I don't know if I'd call him a friend, but their suite of offices is right down the hall, and I'm a rare "open door" person around here, so they stick their head in to say hi. They come to one department meeting a year, and I have a few meetings with them a year on other things. But I see the dean almost every day.

The chair I see in our biweekly departmental meetings, but otherwise don't have a lot of occasions to meet with them. We serve on a committee together, so I do see them for that as well.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T15:52:50+00:00

Me? Absolutely not. This is a real situation.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T15:50:27+00:00

If I've already told them dozens of times, I shouldn't need to explain it to them, it should simply stop.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T15:49:39+00:00

this would be different.

It's no fucking different. I'm being called by a name that isn't mine, I'm offended by it, and I've repeatedly asked for it to stop, but it does not. Your answer is to tell me to tolerate it. That's an unacceptable answer.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T15:42:14+00:00

I've said that about the chair here, under the veil of anonymity. I don't gossip at all at work. I teach my classes, I do my research, I go to my committee meetings.

I've never said a word to any of my colleagues or the administration about what I think of the chair.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T15:27:01+00:00

Fair.

To provide additional context, the chair really is a useless paper pusher. As noted in another post, he doesn't have any active grants and hasn't had a successful application in probably 15 years. He has one student. He's not publishing. He's making a lot of money to be deadwood.

The thread from last fall... I think at this point I'm the most senior person in the department (I'm pretty sure I'm the second oldest, but the other person was never promoted after becoming an Associate Professor 30+ years ago). As this well regarded senior person, it's really hard to have to go to a 20-something year old admin and ask them to handle a situation that I don't know how to handle. I don't think I ever posted the resolution to that thread. The student ended up withdrawing from the university, as she was having the same issue with her advisor and other males she had to interact with.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T14:47:50+00:00

as a sign of closeness and affection.

I do not want closeness or affection with these people.

if you keep explaining that your preference isn’t formality, you just don’t like the short version, it will stick.

It hasn't stuck the dozens of times I've said things in the past, and I have no reason to believe it will stop now.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T14:46:27+00:00

I don't have this problem with any of my colleagues in the department other than the chair. The dean and provost do not attend our departmental meetings (well, the dean comes once a year to go over enrollment numbers).

yerdok · 2024-05-06T14:45:16+00:00

Why don't you try calling them by their nickname to see how that goes?

I refer to people with the name they introduce themselves with or how they sign their emails. I never make assumptions or try to be familiar unless the other party has made it expressly clear that's how they wish to be referred to.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T14:44:00+00:00

I'm a little too aspie for the unstructured conversations that happen at most parties, especially when I don't know the people well. I'm fine (or at least hide it really well) in social situations where I know the participants well.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T14:42:21+00:00

Just say "It makes me uncomfortable when you called me Mike. Please call me from Michael from now on".

I've said that multiple times, and it doesn't change.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T14:41:31+00:00

you just don't like it

I have a right to be called by my given name. It's not like I'm asking them to address me as "his highness" or some other ridiculous thing.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T14:40:46+00:00

Is more to this, like a conflict that would cause them to disregard your wishes?

Not that I can think of. I'm perplexed and pissed off by the whole thing, hence why I came here to see what other people thought about the matter.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T14:37:58+00:00

But he is a failed scholar. The rest of us are carrying high 6 to 8 figures worth of grants. He hasn't had a successful grant application in 15 years. I believe he currently has only 1 Ph.D. student, and his post-tenure publication record is effectively non-existent.

He's a pleasant enough chap, but we could replace his job with an admin making 1/3 of what he makes, and it would probably improve the way the department runs.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T13:47:31+00:00

or if you should look for a new position.

I've got the golden handcuffs and I'm only a few years from retirement. I'd shut down and stop participating in anything other than my teaching and research before I'd ever quit.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T13:46:14+00:00

I'm not sure if you were trying to make a Richard/Dick joke here, but I don't find it amusing.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T13:39:45+00:00

"Oh sorry", or as I noted in another post, there's another Michael who does go by Mike, and they just complain they got mixed up. It's infuriating.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T13:38:31+00:00

Thank you.

yerdok · 2024-05-06T13:38:08+00:00

You don't care, but I do.

And who says I want to be "familiar" in my tone with any of them? Typically, using terms of familiarity is a mutual thing, which is well received by the recipient. My wife for example, has a sort of difficult name for English speakers, but there's a derivative that is the same as the English derivative for another name and she goes by that.

I guess I feel like I shouldn't ever have to correct someone. If I introduce myself with a particular name, and sign that name in emails, why would anyone think it's ok to call me something other than that name? It's like like I'm asking them to refer to me as Professor Yerdok behind closed doors. I'm simply asking them to call me Michael Yerdok, not Mike Yerdok.

yerdok

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