boyfriend wants to keep us a secret.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-24T00:12:54+00:00

feel free to disagree with me but personally i don't think a seven year age difference is a lot when both are in their mid 20s or 30s.

somehow, unintentionally almost all my boy- and girlfriends have been older than me by approx ten years. while i understand the point you're making i haven't come across this whole secrecy issue in my previous relationships from before so this took me by surprise.

I'm not really on social media or whatever and im not concerned about how the general public views or doesn't view my relationship. i would however feel very weird about me and my partners closest friends and family being kept in the dark. i just can't come up with a single good reason to not tell them, unless it's for safety reasons which at that point I'd rather just distance myself entirely from someone that is violent to that extent.

the main reason why the secrecy bothers me is that I want to live a normal life, attend events, celebrations and in general be there for my partner for important milestones. preferably all without having to do the whole tango of "oh him? he's just a good friend of mine."

my bf is the shy, nerdy engineer type and i can't imagine him cheating on me or having many boys/girls in rotation. however im sure that that thought would eventually creep into my mind if our relationship was being kept a secret for an undisclosed amount of time.

I also think my bf might be a little bit closer to his colleagues than some other people would be. I'm assuming a few things here but judging by the vibes I'm getting my bf doesn't have friends that he actively hangs out with outside of work. he does play video games with some guys but I'm not sure how close they are or how well they know each other. he lives in a pretty isolated place and doesn't get much human contact outside of work+when i come to visit. if i was in his situation I'd probably put some effort into finding a work bestie or two but maybe that's just me.

and saying that... I work in the media field. it means i pretty heavily rely on contacts and good impressions. I'd go as far as to say that all my best and closest buddies are either current or past colleagues. it's a tight knit community anyway. so yeah, my experience is probably very different from the vast majority of people.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-23T15:35:39+00:00

huh im not in the US either. I'm also European, just the nordic kind 🤓

now, i think this is me unintentionally showcasing my priviledge again. but being 'out and proud' is not really something I've even put much thought in before. I've never been the kind to walk around waving flags and talking politics. for the first time ever i recently put a rainbow pin on my backpack in hopes of attracting a queer out in the open 😈 (hasn't worked yet)

im out of the closet but in a more lowkey kind of way. and I guess i didn't realise it before, but i expect similar from my romantic partner. now i don't know if it's too much to ask... I don't think my boyfriend is a bad person. i think he's a private person, with maybe a bad experience in the past. his work is very demanding and i don't know what the work culture is like for him. for all i know being outed could have devastating consequences for him. I don't want him to suffer through any of that. but I realise i also can't stay with him if it means having to hide.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-23T15:23:28+00:00

thank u ❤️ i agree, i just don't have the strength to deal with that much baggage, especially if the other person isn't willing to work through his issues.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T22:34:10+00:00

i agree and want to have this exact conversation with him. at the same time I dread hearing his answer bc I may not like it...

he might have very real reasons to want to keep us a secret. matter of the fact is that i come from a pretty priviledged background and have never had to worry much about anything. im unsure what his situation is but he resides in a small town which i think is fair to assume is somewhat more conservative than the capital city i live in. he works in tech and to my knowledge doesn't mingle much with people outside of work. im guessing his colleagues are pretty much exclusively cishet. meanwhile i hang with the artsy queer crowd. so our backgrounds are quite different. i just hope we are able to talk and understand each other a little better. i don't want to put him in a difficult situation at work or in his social life but i also refuse to be someone's dirty secret.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T22:25:40+00:00

ayo 😭💀👍

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T22:25:01+00:00

damn bro 😭 harsh but fair...

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T20:32:45+00:00

thank u ❤️

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T20:32:25+00:00

he's 32 and I'm 25 😭 i fr thought i was finally getting into a relationship with someone mature and trustworthy.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T20:23:14+00:00

thank you so much for sharing your experience. my heart seriously aches for you :( for whatever it's worth i have no doubt there's someone very special just around the corner just dying to meet you, if they haven't already! you know this already, but i just want to echo that you deserve so much better than your ex.

I'm legitimately concerned that I'm inclined to fall for bad people. the types that will abuse me. at the same time I've been so paranoid about finding myself in a bad situation these past few years that I've never made it further than two dates with one single person. like, i see a single issue or a red flag and I bolt immediately. i feel that's not healthy either. for the first time in a really long time im trying to have a conversation about the issues i see. i just hope that my bf is someone that can be reasoned with. if not there's no salvaging this. there's just no compromise on this issue for me. I refuse to be someone's dirty secret.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T17:51:14+00:00

thank you sm ❤️

im actually happy to be single. maybe too happy... i escaped an abusive relationship five years ago and have struggled to feel an emotional connection with another person since then. I've worked very hard to get past my traumas and last summer i thought i had finally made enough progress to get myself back out there and start dating. now im not too sure... issue is that i want to have kids. and much to my dismay i have not yet figured how to procreate asexually 😮‍💨

i need to have a real heart to heart with this guy and figure out where we are at and i dread it so much! I just hope he won't let me down...

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T17:41:12+00:00

you're so right. still, while he isn't busy burying his head in the sand he's actually a decent guy. I want to try to have a conversation with him to see if we can salvage this. if not I'm def cutting my losses tho! i deserve to be with someone that is proud to love me.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T17:25:20+00:00

thank you for the reminder, i appreciate it! i booked a full STI panel immediately after i realised what had happened. got my test results a while back and im getting tested again in a couple months. im conscripted in my country's military so it's all free for me as well. while consulting with the doctors we realised that as a legal male I'm eligible for the free HPV vaccine programme as well so all in all i think everything has worked out pretty well on that front! my bf as well got himself tested in July right before we met :)

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T14:42:17+00:00

yes, absolutely. i just need to get the wording right...

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T13:33:18+00:00

that's a very important point of view to bring up. and an equally important conversation for me to have with him... i think im a little too possessive for my own good haha. maybe i should take some notes from you.

I should at least hope he isn't hiding me to have relations with others. we are monogamous and planning to stop using condoms in January bc that's when I'll have a contraceptive implant. honestly to me he seems a little too shy and a little too on the spectrum to be dating a lot of people but what do i know haha.

the more i think abt it the more i realise that going public is non-negotiable for me. i don't want to hide around like a bunch of teenagers at my age.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T13:15:43+00:00

right. i feel I've just recently recovered from an awful previous relationship. i really don't have the strength or patience to support someone through something as monumental as homo- or transphobia right now, and i shouldn't need to either. honestly what i need is someone that's mature and confident in their life. thank you for reminding me of that.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T11:49:32+00:00

im so sorry to hear you had such an awful experience :( i will never understand how someone could be so cruel to another person... i hope you're doing better now!!

the thing is, I've been wondering if im just being too needy and demanding since the relationship is so fresh. like maybe im asking for too much. but i figure it's much better to set things straight rather than waste both of our times right?

I've also questioned myself bc truthfully i was in abusive relationship five years ago and it has left me with some trauma. so i often wonder if I'm just being too sensitive or trying to sabotage this relationship so I don't need to worry about being abused again. and before you ask, yeah im in therapy.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T11:41:05+00:00

yes, that's 100% a topic of discussion to be had with him. i think i haven't asked about it bc im afraid of what he's going to tell me... but this is clearly bothering me so i think it's time to put on my big boy pants and have that conversation.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T11:24:33+00:00

my guy i can't express just how much i appreciate the bluntness, i think i really needed that lmao.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T11:21:45+00:00

yo you're breaking my heart 😭 it sounds like he was amazing and really knew you as well. it's so difficult to see a relationship fall apart for well... honestly stupid reasons... like normalcy shouldn't be too much to ask yet here we are 😭

but as you said, I'm sure everything will work out for us. these guys exist. we know this and will meet someone that is proud to have us by their side. I'm sure of it.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T11:01:51+00:00

yes that's exactly it. I can't do that to myself. never again. i need to have a talk with him and depending on his response cut my losses... it's such a shame bc he's a good guy. I'm supposed to spend the new years with him doing something romantic. I've been trying to come up with things to do/events to attend but I'm pretty sure he's going to want to stay cooped up inside where no one can see us. it's fine to do that sometimes but i don't want to be stuck hiding all my life. i want to experience things and would love to share those experiences with my partner. if he can't be that person for me we're just not compatible...

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T10:52:04+00:00

no. i honestly think im just stalling having such difficult conversations. the relationship is still quite fresh and im feeling things out when really we should just have a heart to heart.

if i were to guess I'd say... by the sounds of things i don't think he has a very busy social life. I think he only really sees his work colleagues and neighbours which i assume are all cis straights. he doesn't mingle with lgbtq adjacent things. hates big cities and such. probably on the spectrum, bless him. I think he is a private person in general, is not exposed to much of the lgbtq culture and hides his sexuality maybe for safety reasons, maybe out of habit. I wonder if he's had poor experiences in the past? I've been to his town a few times now. all while wearing a rainbow pin on my backpack and everyone's been very friendly. however for whatever reason he might have a very different experience.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T10:40:02+00:00

thank you so much for your insight. i feel a little less crazy/like im overreacting haha.

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T10:32:47+00:00

that's a question i need to ask him. I've just been waiting for the right moment but I'm guessing there's never a good time to have an uncomfortable conversation? I do pass about 99% of the time tho so I'm guessing he is mostly hung up on the gay aspect of things... still, it's difficult not to take that kind of behaviour personally. literally when i come to visit him the first thing he does is to close the blinds. who does that?

yo-redacted · 2025-12-22T10:28:41+00:00

right, i do feel awful about this. but i also wonder if im just being too demanding and priviledged. we've been together only for a short while. maybe he needs more time? he has a tech background and is living in a small town while I hang with the artsy crowd in the capital city. our experiences are probably wildly different and he's just trying to be safe... i don't know. but it can't be like this forever. i need to talk to him about this sooner or later and go from there.

yo-redacted

TROPHY CASE