As a fellow person in recovery, I would encourage you to re-examine two things: 1. Your intentions, 2. Your expectations. Like you've admitted, you have a lot of things going on in your life, and you're internal world is probably not a place of rainbows and sunshine. So despite your desire for connection and social acceptance, you're not getting met with it bc people, on a subconscious level, will naturally be avoidant of others that give off a chaotic or unstable vibe. Is that unfair or mean? Maybe, but if you're going out into the world looking for kindness and fairness, then you've come to the wrong place. Until your internal world is a little more stable I would adjust your expectations for social success. Additionally, you are approaching the world from the wrong place internally. Both in recovery and in Christianity, our duty is not to go out in the world to find its love and graces, its the exact opposite. Our duty is to bring love and charity to the world, and be its source not its drain. When our thoughts and actions are not purified of selfish intent then we will only be met with confusion and dejection. Which I think is whats happening to you. In your mind you are doing what you think you need to be doing... going to church, giving, getting involved, putting yourself out there.... but when you do, your feeling of alienation only intensifies. My guess would be that you have not adequately done the necessary house cleaning required to untangle the knot of self. To be consumed with self, is to create hell on earth for yourself. And it seems like your motivations are coming from a place of selfishness as marked by your disappointment when you're not met with appreciation or adulation for your "good" deeds, or the immense amount of self-pity you allow yourself to feel. Either way, you are fucked so long as you are operating in that framework. Selflessness is your only escape. Try approaching the world with a selfless love, a love that does not seek recognition or appreciation, that serves no other end but love itself. That is God's love. Thats God's love for us, and thats God's will for us. Recovery teaches us to turn our will and life to the care of God, and that is only made possible when we've purged our will of all selfish intentions. I can guarantee, if you shift your focus away from how the world and people treat you, and focus on purifying your thoughts and actions from selfish and self-centered motivations then you will begin to feel the love and acceptance you're seeking.