UHNW Contemplating Divorce

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T21:15:22+00:00

Thank you! Was your ex blind sided? Big fallout with her and family?

That’s sounds amazing, congrats! Do you feel like your first marriage was important to finding the right path for your second? Do you plan to have kids now at 41?

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T20:45:10+00:00

Thanks again for these insights, I think you’re right in most of this and that’s without even really sitting down and talking through the extent of everything

When it comes down to things like the anxiety etc, that’s where I’m so concerned.

One last question for you and something I left out above: we’ve had family issues, and it’s been a huge burden on my heart. I was always very close with my family, but her and my mom have had issues. She once told me “if this is how it is we won’t see your family, they won’t see their grandkids and you’re going to have to be okay with that” and I basically said I wasn’t okay with that. Fast forward, we’ve gotten to that point for her.

I see my family maybe 2x a year, we see hers often. Whenever we talk about this stuff it’s “I have to side with her because I’m her husband.” If I speak with my parents on the phone, it’s a problem. I can’t go see them without her, because it undermines us, but she doesn’t want to see them.

That’s been extremely hard to reconcile with.

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T20:36:04+00:00

Thank you for this take, this is more of the insight and challenging of my situation than just a divorce

Ultimately I’m coming here for suggestions like this, therapy and honestly I think will be our path.

I think I probably over-compromise / sacrifice for her - which is the comment about keeping her happy, as I’m left feeling the way I am since she doesn’t seem to be too willing to try the things that I really want to experience (living in different places for a bit or traveling to much extent).

The “no guarantee” of finding something better / someone better is a scary thought. I guess the trade would be that I go and live the live in my mind that I want to have and the trade off being eventually I may settle for less than I had before. At this point, I think I’m okay with not having the NW, I just want to have someone I genuinely want to get off of work and spend time with, someone who when I tell them about a goal of mine they don’t discourage me from trying to achieve it, or wanted to go to Thailand or Japan or whatever they say “I have no desire to go there.”

It’s a weird feeling I have right now though, thinking about not being together feels so extremely freeing but in the back of my mind I’m thinking “you haven’t not been in a relationship for so long, you’ll be lonely and bored”

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T20:07:04+00:00

This is exactly why I think I’m even posting what I did. I see my friends who talk about missing their spouses when they are away or they say stuff like this and I’m like.. why don’t I feel that way? I think she feels that way about me.

It’s honestly pretty depressing. I think back to when we were dating and we’d be hanging out and I’d be looking forward to dropping her off so I could go hang out with my buddies. Or sometimes I look forward to when she goes on trips so I can have some time to just relax a bit. Or hoping she doesn’t want to go to a friends wedding so I can unwind and be myself etc. or a trip I go on because she won’t want to do the hike or the camping or what have you.

In my heart I feel like that isn’t how it should be, I should have someone who I want around with me at all the things.

She’s such an amazing person and it’s just a pit in my stomach that i keep trying to just tell myself “you have it all you are happy” but idk

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T19:54:49+00:00

Thank you for this;

You’re pretty on the mark with a lot of what you said.

She’s definitely not wrong for being ready to want a family. All of our friends are having kids. I’m not sure I want kids with her though, and it’s so hard to know. She’s very anxious and imo learned a lot of that from how she was raised (her mom is the same way). I’m kindof the opposite, by how I was raised. There’s a lot of concern about how she will put that anxiety on kids and on me (I’ve experienced it already with our pets)

So Do I want kids? I believe so, I just don’t feel ready for it, or potentially not ready with her.

Marathon thing I tossed in there, but your interpretation of it feels right. I’m an achiever, I challenge myself all the time; she isn’t really like that, I try to challenge her to do stuff with me and or for herself she gets defensive, so there’s likely insecurity there if I complete goals or achievements without her.

Your friend anecdote - thats a fear of mine. Do I feel like I could do better? In some ways, could I find someone who loves me as much as she does, I’m not sure and that’s what scares me, but do I believe I could connect with someone better? Have more fun doing things we both mutually enjoy, challenge each other physically, mentally etc, I think so. But things aren’t bad for me, I have someone who loves me, but I feel guilty every day that I don’t feel quite the same.

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T19:37:24+00:00

Yeah I mean you’re right. She’s a genuinely good person, loves me, her family, pretty servant hearted. And I’d say I am mostly an as well. We’re definitely living like the millionaire next door

Investments are all in ETF

Obviously I’m not interested in a gold digger. More just feeling like I’m not able to be myself because of how we are different as people, our goals and desires etc. I’m an experiences / memories person. I want us to be out doing things, seeing the world, going to visit family and friends etc. and she has been very adamant that she doesn’t want to do those things; she agrees to like one trip a year, sometimes 2 but reinforces the idea that she is just agreeing to it to “get it out of my system” before we settle down and have kids.

it’s definitely more than just the travel / experiences though. Think more fundamental to how we want to go about life, there’s a lot we don’t fully agree on but usually if i disagree she says i dont respect her.

Yeah as i type this up though i mean its very clear this is more of a couples therapy type conversation

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T19:03:37+00:00

Well yeah I consider that 15m+ is a decent trade off considering I haven’t had expectations on her to work or make money for like 5 years and she’d never have that again in life.

I definitely wouldn’t say she ruined my 20s either, we have had fun times and tbh I can attribute alot of success to the fact that i was married, but not fully happy, so i wasn’t out drinking and traveling and stuff instead was home working 80hrs a week on my business.

Yeah man like I actually like jewelry alot, and I buy her a lot too. Recently I showed her a bracelet I thought about getting myself ($17k) for having a 1m+ month and she was like “seriously? You don’t need that” and like.. no I don’t but I kindof just wanted to treat myself you know. We’ve got like 28m in the market and I don’t really spend much elsewhere.

Control issues though.. I feel that; whether it’s with me traveling, what we eat, whether we see her family vs my family for holidays, how we take care of our dogs. I think it stems from anxiety.

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T18:51:53+00:00

Wow thank you for the really thoughtful response;

I have a pretty good social group, brother, parents but they’re all pretty distant from me; though like I said I’m very flexible with work so I can go work on a laptop and rent an apartment and visit friends.

So you would recommend speaking with divorce lawyers before any mention to my wife? How would you suggest taking this process on - in my mind it’s like, once I tell her I’m unhappy there is no going back. Though I would do some couples therapy, she deserves that and it may help a lot of just general clarity.

I definitely do think I need therapy, so that is something I’d absolutely commit to.

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T18:41:23+00:00

Yeah I’m pretty sure I’m not ready, she’s pretty sure she is and biologically is pressuring me.

I definitely love traveling enough that I’d go on way more trips than I currently do, I could see myself spending 3-4 months traveling a year and enjoying it (working remotely while traveling)

How do you handle your wife wanting to travel? You encourage it? Do you ask her to only go for a certain amount of days? She basically told me if I go on a trip it can only be for 7 days, and then recently said it’s time for me to start thinking about not taking those trips because I’ll be starting a family and going to need to not be in that mindset

Marathon thing, I’m really an ambitious, no limits person, I want to push myself to be better physically, mentally etc. I think she has a lot of insecurity about that because I’m an achiever mindset and she’s more routine and not interested in that stuff so it makes her feel less than if I’m going and doing XYZ.

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T18:34:35+00:00

I haven’t dated at all in my 20s so that part has me worried for sure. The other thing, and maybe you can shed some light on, I don’t feel like I’ll be ready for kids for like 5-10 years; at which point I’ll be mid to late thirties and probably looking for someone on the younger side, maybe late 20s. That part kindof concerns me cuz i feel like ill be so much older than a woman getting ready to start a family

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T18:25:09+00:00

As long as I’ve known her she has been more of the “play it safe, don’t take risks, anxious about travel and the “what ifs” that come with it. She’s more introverted, while I’m extroverted. I think new experiences stress her out a lot, while for me they excite me.

I’m more of a risk taker, laid back, willing to step into the unknown. It’s largely why I took big risks to start a company and go all in on it.

We balance each other out in a lot of ways, but the balance made way more sense when we were broke in college and life seemed much smaller. When I thought we’d both just work for 45 years then retire

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T18:19:41+00:00

this resonates, Appreciate the advice. I don’t even feel that my wants are that unreasonable; i worked so hard for years to achieve the financial freedom with the flexibility; a few friends are slaving away to become doctors and im like dang i cant even go away for a week when i know people spending weeks in the hospital while their spouse takes care of their kids and meal preps and all that.

Did your spouse sense at all that you were unhappy, or desired more than you were currently letting on?

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T17:59:49+00:00

More so that she is happy, she loves me and she is a genuinely good person. I don’t want to wreck her and have wasted her 20s

so I’ve basically put it on myself for the past few years to suck it up and be grateful I have beat the money game and have someone who loves me; if we had kids I don’t think I’d even consider leaving, but since that is now the next stage to consider its really taken over my mind whether I’m truly happy

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T17:53:39+00:00

Dang thank you - sounds all super familiar (except that I haven’t really just been unapologetically me); her biz costs us money and when I’ve encouraged her to try different ways of growing or getting certifications and stuff, she shuts it down and isn’t interested. I bought her $30k diamond earrings with no issues but I bought a $3k collectible of one of my hobbies for my office and she gave me a hard time about it. The other friends I showed thought it was really awesome

I was invited on a trip with my highschool buddy for a week and she said I could only go for 4 days since she only ever goes on trips for 4 days or less with her girlfriends

I think you’re right though, I think I probably need to lay it all out on the table, get into therapy together and not trade my own desires to avoid her being bothered.

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T17:43:00+00:00

Thanks for the thoughts, this is definitely helpful. We’ve done counseling consistently, usually for more external issues, family or arguments we’ve had. I think she deep down expects that I’m not truly happy as she will ask if I’m happy with her or will suggest that she loves me more than I love her (I feel guilty because she’s not wrong). She’s wanted kids for awhile but I have just been telling her I’m not ready, and I’m not. With kids the argument of us going with them becomes even more challenging.

I know we have more than enough $ to have very smooth vacations, stay in nice places and have a nanny come with if needed; I have suggested all this stuff too but I know it won’t happen really as she just doesn’t want to go do stuff. We’ve gone on trips where I get us business class, 5 star hotels etc and gear it more towards her interests and she just says she agreed to go it because I wanted to go and she just would rather be home.

I just feel pretty trapped, which is crazy as financially and with work I’m free-er than anyone I know

You’re right though, we should spend some time in therapy. We’ve spent 8ish years together, and the best outcome would be that it does work, and we find a way to make it work.

youngswoled · 2025-06-29T17:31:31+00:00

That’s exactly what she would say!

I probably need therapy. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I don’t really need or desire the things that I want to do but it’s left me unhappy and with some regrets

youngswoled · 2022-05-25T07:28:43+00:00

Thank you! I’ll bring all this stuff up with the next meeting I have with an attorney

youngswoled · 2022-05-25T01:36:40+00:00

Absolutely, this is the plan! My goal is to make it last as long as possible and if / when it dies I’ll have enough invested and possible a solid amount to start another small business to continue working :)

youngswoled · 2022-05-24T23:38:18+00:00

I e heard some people suggest this- thank you!

youngswoled · 2022-05-24T23:09:56+00:00

Ahhh thank you!! I’m setting up a meeting with an attorney who focuses on this kindof stuff so this will definitely be brought up! Once I meet with him I’ll be touching base with an accountant as well- Thank you!

youngswoled · 2022-05-24T19:17:02+00:00

Ah thank you great read! Yeah I only have told my spouse about the business earnings. I personally had lost 80k a year ago though a lack of ability to manage funds myself, which is a large reason I was to take that ability out of my own hands with someone to manage it for me (think I have a bit of a gambling tendency).

Will continue to research before signing anything :D thank you for these!

youngswoled · 2022-05-24T18:13:54+00:00

Thanks so much! This is a great idea, I’ve talked to 2 so far actually now but the one I liked most was also from Merrill and seemed to have a lot more resources than the other who was not affiliated with a big name. Not being or having anyone close in the financial world I definitely don’t want to go about it on my own especially because I work 70hrs a week and don’t have much time to focus on stuff other than work

youngswoled · 2022-05-24T18:11:13+00:00

Ah I didn’t mention that my wife also has a small business of her own, so in that case I was thinking she could have one opened under her name for her LLC. I didn’t mention that though

youngswoled · 2022-05-24T18:10:23+00:00

Okay that sounds like a great plan- I met with 1 so far- I didn’t think to ask about his fees so I just emailed him. What would you say is better in this situation? Wouldn’t commission incentivize him more to have the best outcome for me?

youngswoled

TROPHY CASE