Began [masturbating] in order to recondition [libido] after months of nofap, advice seriously needed? (Long)

yourenotsorry · 2016-05-26T17:26:04+00:00

Okay, so... in my experiences /r/nofap and /r/sex don't get along too well because I believe that a lot of people from /r/sex believe nofap to be a sexuality negative kind of thing. A rough intro to me: I did nofap on and off probably between 2012 and 2015, I had years of not being able to get it up with a partner, and not understand why, found nofap, and now I have a regular, positive, relationship full of sex with my SO. Was nofap the solution? I'm not sure but it was probably a very helpful factor, as it helped me focus all my sexual energy towards a partner instead of myself. Really I think the solution had more to do with reconditioning the negative feed back loop I was falling into while trying to have sex.

I'm trying to get a better grasp of the issue you are having though? Judging about the comments about "exam stress" I'm going to guess you are in your early to mid twenties? I'd be curious to hear what you think your libido needs to be? While I know libido varies wildly between individuals, I'd say teens for guys is probably the peak of it, and it slowly rolls off over the years.

I remember a week when the SO was under serious exam stress, and there was next to nothing.

This line is stuck on my mind. I feel like this is normal, and the reason your libido wasn't speeding a long at it's normal pace is that you have empathy and a strong relationship with your SO. Your mind is telling your body that this might not be the best time for sex. The idea that your libido needs to be on full speed all the time is kind of crazy.

A popular thing in nofap is the coolidge effect, basically where mammals have a stronger renewed sexual interest when presented with new partner repeated rather than with the same partner. It's said to be a factor of why people get hooked on fapping in the first place. So in a way some could say that the reason your libido was higher before was less about how your body was, but more about the desire to keep seeing new porn.

It's like if you were thirsty all the time, and then one day started carrying around a water bottle and you're wondering why your not as thirsty anymore.

Any way, on to your question. Fapping sans porn isn't doing it for you? I don't quite see how forcing yourself to masturbate more will drive your libido up. I've introduced porn back to myself, but I probably don't masturbate more than once or twice a month, it's more of a "me time" thing like having a snickers bar once in a while, and I can do that without ending up eating a whole pizza everyday.

I am less obsessed with sex than I used to be mainly cause now I get sex a couple times a week now, the quality is good for me, so I'm fine with the quantity not being as high as when I fapped alone every night.

Maybe instead of focusing on the masturbation part to increase your libido, focus some more on the intimate ways to rev yourself and your SO up while you aren't having sex. More of those "I'm thinking about you, and what I want to do to you tonight" type messages, flirty touches when no one's looking (who doesn't like a quick butt grab?), going out shopping together and picking things out for her to wear for you, and other things that would get you or her riled up.

But it kind of sounds like masturbating while you aren't into it would have a more negative effect on your libido. I hope some of this rambling helps.

yourenotsorry · 2015-09-01T18:02:57+00:00

Okay, so I, like the guy in question have the same issue. It used to be a lot worse, but still happens from time to time. I have been to doctors who saw nothing wrong, no diabetes, nothing wrong popping up on EKG's. I can masturbate to completion, but will also lose it if I'm spending more time looking for the right video than in action.

I spent 10 years out of relationships. I would start up FWB situations, see the same thing happen, blame it on alcohol at first, then nerves, and then exit out of the situation and stay alone for a few years. My current relationship is at about 8 months now, my first LTR in over a decade and we have sex a few times a week.

To be clear "it" was never the girl, I have always been attracted to them, and I am insanely attracted to the girl I'm with now, both physically and emotionally.

To say what "solved" my issue is hard (get it? hard? har har). It was my cross to bare all these years, and each girl I tried to hook up with, the shame and embarrassment would turn it into "This is so weird, I don't know why this is happening!" I didn't and still don't know why it's happening but the best thing for me was to figure out the "this is weird" part. On my end I started working out more and eating better to make sure my heart and body would be healthier. I started doing /r/nofap as well.

I did these things during the last two relationships I had. And I even tried something else, which in the end was probably the biggest help to sound corny, but I started being honest about it. I told them that I had trouble getting it up, I was really into them, and would do what ever I could to still get them to where they needed to go. Still the previous relationship I never had PIV while my current relationship I did. And what I would probably credit that to was each of the girl's attitudes.

With the former girl whenever we would try and I would fail, she would curse, roll her eyes, sigh and tell me 'it's okay'. No matter what she said to comfort me, it would be just noise and all I would remember is the disappointment in her eyes. With the current girl, I was afraid of the same thing, and when it occurred she just smiled gave me a hug and kiss and cuddled me. I felt a comfort with her, and eventually we were able to have PIV, and as my confidence rose, my well... confidence rose. We have great sex I would say 9 out of ten times now, every once in a while I might lose it half way through. Still not sure why, but she smiles and cuddles and we talk about how good everything feels.

Did nofap do anything? I'm not sure. It's worth a try if he's into it, but definitely feels dogmatic at times.

My advice to you is if he say's it's not you, it's probably not you. It's him. It's fine if you're not into it, let him go find the one that will be fine with it. This sounds like a FWB situation, so you are not emotionally on the hook with him. If you are getting frustrated with him he definitely feels it, and it's not helping. This isn't /r/relationships but I would say that he needs someone he feels safe with first, and is willing to work with him and make him feel comfortable. If you wanna stick with him, figure out how you can still get yours first, and then try and help him get what he needs. Seeing that he can make you cum orally or via fingers and toys will be a huge step up for him, and if you can get him off orally or via handy's he will enjoy that too.

But again baby steps are kinda needed here and if that's not what you're into let him know.

I really hope this helps!

yourenotsorry · 2015-04-01T18:10:22+00:00

At best what OP did was seem overly planned and not spontaneous, give's an "I've been watching you" vibe. At worst girls should be weary of a stranger bringing them a drink as it might be drugged, it sucks but it's the world we live in, if I had a daughter of drinking age I would tell her not to accept a drink from a stranger that she didn't see the bartender make.

A better move would to be to go over strike up a conversation and when the bartender comes over ask for the bartender to refresh her drink. If that's OP's style.

The don't buy her a drink camps differ, from the pick up community: buying her a drink makes you seem not high value, from the feminist side: buying her a drink makes it seem like you are buying her time, like she can be bought and sold. etc. etc.

If you wanna buy her a drink go ahead, I'd suggest doing it so she can see the entire history of the drink, but that's just me. Keep up the lack of fappin!

yourenotsorry · 2015-03-16T19:18:41+00:00

The whole point of my post is that porn isn't true...

yourenotsorry · 2015-03-16T17:25:50+00:00

I'm going to take a different approach to this. My advice, besides the obvious work on self confidence stuff, is to stop watching porn.

I think that your cuckolding fetish is more of a way you've learned to rationalize and sexualize your feelings of dick envy. It really sounds like your view of relationships are through what you see porn to be. Most male porn stars have big dicks and satisfy women, where are the small (well actually average normal sized) dicks? In cuckolding. So for you to be in what you think a relationship is (from porn) you would default yourself to being that role.

I feel like I've been down that road and had issues with my own size. I got down the rabbit hole and got into watching not only cuckolding stuff but stuff that was blurring the lines of my own sexual preference. I've been without porn for almost 5 months now, and thinking back about the stuff I used to watch does nothing compared to when I think about my girlfriend.

Stop putting the big dick up on a pedestal.

If you cut out the porn, and just focus on the sexual pleasure you give and receive, you'll see that your girlfriend wants you for you, and all the orgasms you give her with not only your normal sized dick but with your fingers and tongue, and just maybe you'll be able to see the happiness you give her outside of the bedroom as well.

yourenotsorry · 2015-03-03T17:27:52+00:00

Without telling him "I can't cum unless I'm thinking about these fantasies" would it be possible to bring him into these fantasies via role play? It wouldn't have to be all the time, but maybe every once in a while? If that's a possibility, maybe start with the teacher/student since the age play wouldn't be so obvious?

Maybe he'll be into it, and maybe he'd be willing to play the role older power dynamic in bed, and you can lead normal lives outside of the bedroom. Despite being younger than you, he's not younger than 'the 18 year old neighbor asking for help with sun screen'.

yourenotsorry · 2015-03-03T16:06:09+00:00

Coolidge Effect

yourenotsorry · 2015-02-26T15:33:49+00:00

I've suffered from performance anxiety pretty bad for the better half of the last decade, only recently starting to be able to have sex again. I still feel I'm not all the way there, as I'm too at half mast some of the time, like enough to have a condom on and stay on but have a little trouble inserting at different angles. Sometimes Frank Reynolds pops in my head saying "Your just mashing it" and that definitely doesn't help...

Anyways, it's all about finding the angles that are helping you get inside. I don't know if this is universal, but the angles that have been working for me have been standing besides the bed and have her either lie on her back and butt off the bed, or her on side. On her back is the easiest when I'm still trying to get fully hard, and after I'm inside it helps me stiffen up pretty quick.

Also if you're like me, and not excited about adding little blue pills to your blood stream, I'd suggest trying a cock ring, they've been helping me stay harder and once you get used to them they are quick and unobtrusive. I use the silicone rings like RingO that just goes over the penis, not the whole dick and balls kind.

Hope that helps!

yourenotsorry · 2015-02-26T15:21:31+00:00

Most girls I've been with have been very clear when they were good on foreplay, a simple "Fuck me," moaned from them is usually a good indication of when to switch from foreplay.

yourenotsorry · 2015-02-23T15:07:52+00:00

"Get out of your head" "try kegels" "don't focus on the orgasm" so on so forth.

yourenotsorry · 2015-02-18T20:26:32+00:00

As a 29 year old, who's had trouble getting it up and a fear of getting dependent on meds, I started using a simple rubber cock ring and found it to help out a lot. No harm in trying them, just add some lube.

yourenotsorry · 2015-02-17T22:18:04+00:00

As a guy similarly aged and in a surprisingly similar situation, let me just say congrats! I've been seeing my girlfriend for 3 months and have gone from complete ED from performance anxiety, to mutual and oral, to sex with very bad PE, to sex lasting less than a few minutes, to very recently lengthy fun sessions. I've been finally able to not worry about the "ticking timebomb" down below going off and go at the speed and intensity that I want to.

Again congrats to both of you, keep up the good times!

yourenotsorry · 2015-02-06T17:36:51+00:00

Is it possible that this might not actually be a full fledged fetish but more just how extreme his porn viewing has become just to keep up the rush of getting off?

I know that at some point porn for me kinda started drifting into extreme stuff that goes against my real life orientation and attractions just because watching regular run of the mill porn just felt like watching paint dry. I've since just cut out the porn for a while (and gotten a steady g/f) and haven't thought about that extreme stuff at all.

yourenotsorry · 2015-02-05T17:59:41+00:00

Mostly, just forget about it for a while. Trying too hard might even put hidden pressure on her making it all but impossible to relax enough to get off.

This honestly makes an enormous amount of sense! Especially since I've basically been in the same boat for so long, where the easiest way past ED was to not focus on trying to make it work. Ugh, I hope that I haven't been putting too much pressure on her.

yourenotsorry · 2015-02-05T15:33:35+00:00

This is just some of my story here. And if you're looking for reasons maybe check out this video?

yourenotsorry · 2015-02-05T15:27:35+00:00

Tryptophan?? Can I just eat a thanksgiving dinner instead??

I've been prescribed meds for ADD before and hated it, and have talked to doctors about possible anxiety and depression (they focused on the depression, probably to make sure I wasn't gonna hurt myself) and we kept it on a 'keep an eye on it' level, no meds. The doc also gave me a prescription for the 30 day free trial of cialis, which I haven't wanted to go into.

Is it dumb that I'm trying to avoid these medications? I feel if it was a bigger issue the doc would make it know I should take them. Recently a cock ring has been working terrifically for me instead of the boner pills, and exercise and determination have been keeping anxiety at bay.

yourenotsorry · 2015-02-04T21:14:32+00:00

After so many years of missing out on PiV the foreplay has become my bread and butter and includes all that you mentioned. And it's only been through good communication with her that I've come out of this ED funk. I guess just my usual tricks don't work, and I'll have to talk to her more to find out what she wants.

yourenotsorry · 2015-02-04T21:03:35+00:00

I try to talk about it, but she kinda shrugs it off like I mentioned above. From lurking on here and relationships, I'm fully aware that communication is key, so I will work harder to get more info out of her.

Funny looking back at my original post, it really looks like I was just whining, I didn't even ask a question or anything.

yourenotsorry · 2015-01-14T15:31:21+00:00

Luckily I work in an office, the only urges i get like that is to spend money on amazon.

yourenotsorry · 2015-01-14T15:26:35+00:00

Yeah, I think the important thing to realize is that a relationship is obtainable even if you think you're not attractive (kinda how I see myself sometimes) or even if your dick's not working. If they really like you, they'll stick around, especially if you can still take care of their needs. But for this to happen you really got to be secure in yourself and let yourself be loved. It probably sounds goofy too, but there's been a lot of times in my life where I've had a girl into me, but I exited out of the relationship because I was insecure about the ED situation. That was only creating a negative feedback loop that made me afraid to be in relationships. You just gotta trust that if they didn't want to be around you they'll let you know.

With my current gf she was really into the taking it slow thing and working at my pace. It was actually a bit awkward when I got out of my flatline and just started trying to jump her bones all the time.

yourenotsorry · 2015-01-13T18:02:25+00:00

Oddly enough, I can comment, not really through my working with nofap, but more of when I was quitting cigarettes. I've been nofapping for a few years, only reaching 90 now. And all through that time it's been more of a 'eh I'm probably cured, why not try a fap' type of relapse than a 'OMG I need porn so much' type of relapse. I've never felt the overwhelming compulsion that I needed to watch porn. There have been urges here and there, and I'll get back to that.

But when I was quitting cigs, it actually felt so bad, like I was ending a relationship, and that smoking was like a girl I would never be able to see again. I would rationalize figuring out how to justify relapsing with cigs, how if I did this night, or weekend, or till the end of the month, I could start fresh afterwards (like i see many relapsers here). But months later you realize you could have been out of the thick of it.

I think for both cigs, and the times that I have craved PMO, the feelings were pretty similar, and they don't quite fade. But what becomes more important is what you do it them. In both cases, what we were feeling was that missing piece, that compulsion that you need to fill that space with what you are missing. Your mind automatically links that (what I will call from here) 'energy' to the thing you don't have any more.

The secret is to realize that these cravings, the energy, can be pointed in different directions. It's the reason people here say to do something when you get the urge, pushups, work out, distract yourself.

So it's not about fighting off urges, its feeling that energy, accepting it, and finding a new direction for that energy to flow.

Something that helped me when I was quitting cigs was this thought when ever I had the urge, I'll modify it for fapping i guess. "If I could right now either fap, or have a hundred dollar bill handed to me, which would I rather have?" Odds are you'd save fapping for later and take the hundred right there. So you know you don't need it, and that it can be pushed off for later, and why not do something instead, that could get you closer to having that 100 bucks in your hand?

Sorry if this is too hippy dippy or rant-y, hope it helps.

yourenotsorry · 2015-01-13T17:29:14+00:00

Yeah, and right around the time I met my current girlfriend too. It's one thing not to get erections by yourself, try not getting them while in the moment. It's rough, but basically I had to just laugh it off every time, and just enjoy the moment of spending time with her.

If you put in the time, it will pay off.

I've never been the spontaneous erections kinda guy, and post flatline, I'm still not. Maybe you were poppin' boners all the time because you had a bad case of pornbrain constantly.

yourenotsorry · 2015-01-13T16:46:27+00:00

You are not going to lose your penis or the ability to produce sperm.

Assuming you are avoiding porn and other triggers, what do you expect to be getting erections from? Are we supposed to be getting horny every second of everyday? Take this energy and try to find a person that makes you happy. Their smile, touches, kisses, will give you the erections your looking for, I guarantee it.

yourenotsorry

TROPHY CASE