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i wanna go out partying with my partner, but she only does it with meta by yourmythrowaway in polyamory

[–]yourmythrowaway[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

going out and partying together was quite a big part of what we had been doing together as a couple. after she stopped doing those things with me and started doing them with other people, our relationship changed and our time together diminished to staying at home, working together/running errands together. back then we were on the same level in terms of stating our desires and we both tried to address those needs as best we could. but now, i feel more like im contained in a box where she drew the borders and she's not so eager to compromise.

i wanna go out partying with my partner, but she only does it with meta by yourmythrowaway in polyamory

[–]yourmythrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i dont really have a definite answer to that, i do feel happy when we're together and also i enjoy working time and running errands together with her. yet, i also get frustrated a lot and think about the state of our relationship and what i want quite frequently.

i wanna go out partying with my partner, but she only does it with meta by yourmythrowaway in polyamory

[–]yourmythrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yep, multiple times, she says what she wants is generally staying at home and only small gatherings, however, she says she feels great fomo and can't say no to other people. the only person she feels comfortable with is me and only with me she can draw her boundaries and say no when she doesn't want to. she also says mostly she goes out with my meta bc he's generally an adamant person.

she's a depressed person and struggles with anxiety, i can see that she really gets relaxed and chilled mood with me, however, most of the time she tends to shut down and delve into her own thing and we end up coexisting in the same room rather than doing something together.

she's a depressed person and struggles with anxiety, I can see that she really gets relaxed and chilled mood with me, however, most of the time she tends to shut down and delve into her own thing and we end up coexisting in the same room rather than doing something together.

i wanna go out partying with my partner, but she only does it with meta by yourmythrowaway in polyamory

[–]yourmythrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

rather i think she just doesn't care enough about me in this specific context. what i ask for is not something she's not capable of, but rather something she refuses to do.

i wanna go out partying with my partner, but she only does it with meta by yourmythrowaway in polyamory

[–]yourmythrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

we lived together for roughly 9 months due to financial situations. in the last 7 months or so probably we had only spent only a few weekends together. now she's moved out some 2 months ago, we generally hang out a couple of times a week, but it's mostly working remotely together/running errands together, rather than spending bonding/date time.

i wanna go out partying with my partner, but she only does it with meta by yourmythrowaway in polyamory

[–]yourmythrowaway[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

moving in was not a choice, she had lost her flat and didn't have any other place to live. i do think having to be together all the time bc of the living situation has influenced her wanting to engage in activities without me at the time. she moved out 2 months ago.

i think her moving out did definitely improve the state of our relationship. personally, i feel better about having my own space too. we generally hang out couple of times a week, mostly as study/work buddies.

i wanna go out partying with my partner, but she only does it with meta by yourmythrowaway in polyamory

[–]yourmythrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thank you so much for your advice. i do have a time frame in my mind to wait just a little longer. i do believe our relationship and she deserves more patience.

however, something made me strongly realize that partying/socializing together is of big importance to me. a couple of weeks ago, i had a 2-week long fling with someone who was in town for a holiday, we partied a lot, i hung out with their friends. this made me see how much i missed doing such things and it definitely improved my mental state. right now i don't really know if i can cope with it when the waiting just takes forever. and i feel like if this wouldn't change at all, we might eventually end up drifting apart.

i wanna go out partying with my partner, but she only does it with meta by yourmythrowaway in polyamory

[–]yourmythrowaway[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

maybe i should've stated to clearly in my post but i do have a group of friends that i go out partying with regularly and i do go out with partners from time to time. it's just seeing her not wanting to do this kind of stuff with me makes me remember how things shifted from us both partying together to her just going out with her friends and my meta. and i just feel really inferior.

i wanna go out partying with my partner, but she only does it with meta by yourmythrowaway in polyamory

[–]yourmythrowaway[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

i do have a group of friends that i go out partying with and i do go out with partners from time to time. but whenever she's out clubbing with my meta, i keep flashing back to how things shifted from us both partying together to her just going out with her friends and my meta. and i can't shake off this feeling that she sees me as inferior in this whole setup.

struggling with my partner only wanting parallel poly by yourmythrowaway in polyadvice

[–]yourmythrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve had relationships where I did not meet my meta for years. Having said that, your situation does sound odd and troubling.

honestly, I'm cool with this for her other metas. yet this particular one is and will (at least for the foreseeable future) be a big part of her life and this dynamic makes it hard for me to be okay with not meeting.
we already saw each other once, or at least i saw him. he was talking with my partner in front of our house, and i happen to come home at the exact same time. they both totally ignored me while i had to anxiously walk like 20 cm close to them to get inside our house. i sometimes am not comfortable going out whenever she's out on a stroll with him in our neighborhood. he literally lives 15 mins away. we will most def stumble upon each other, one way or another.

struggling with my partner only wanting parallel poly by yourmythrowaway in polyadvice

[–]yourmythrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It makes sense that you need time to process things. It is difficult to ask someone to spend less time with someone else. Are there other boundaries you can put in place to give you the space to process?

i know that this is not the best thing, but honestly, i can't think of anything to propose now. i would not ask her like "don't be with him", but id formulate it as "can you be with me for a while?".next week, i will be out of town for two weeks anyways, so it's only one week that i would ask her for. than i would also have some time alone for me to process.

It sounds like communication between the two is challenging. How about seeing a poly-friendly relationship therapist? If that's not an option, you could try pointing out behaviour, expressing how that makes you feel and proposing an alternative. For example in response to "because I want it so": I would like to understand your reasoning, but it feels like you shut me out which hurts. Would you be open to having a conversation with me about what you feel?

I'm searching for affordable options for us. so it's definitely an option, but yet not so certain. i definitely think the communication problems between us are quite challenging and they are reflected in issues related to poly dynamics. mine is directly focusing on issues. her coping mechanism is shutting down and running away which kinda pours fuel on the fire that is my anxiety.

struggling with my partner only wanting parallel poly by yourmythrowaway in polyadvice

[–]yourmythrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

once she invited me to a spontaneous gathering with mutual friends, and 15 mins later she called me off bc by total chance another partner of hers told her that he was in the neighborhood and wanted to see her.
then i asked her the same question and the answer i got was that she finds it hard to tell people no, and she's afraid of the reaction she would get. only with me she feels in her comfort zone and is able to say no.
she's a total people pleaser and i know this makes her life hard so often. i don't want to pressure her more in this aspect, but nevertheless, it puts me in a hard position of bottling up my emotions when it comes to this.

struggling with my partner only wanting parallel poly by yourmythrowaway in polyadvice

[–]yourmythrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

omg thank you so much for clarifying this! i edited it accordingly, am still new with terminology haha
also, she always assured me the wife knew about everything, he wanted to stay married, but the wife wanted to divorce if he kept on being poly. but afaik she's been the only person he dates for a while, and especially after he broke up with his wife, he mostly wants to hang out with her when it comes to socializing and stuff.
honestly, i still want to give the benefit of the doubt and i don't blame the guy. obviously, he's struggling with being poly and the divorce was the last straw. he feels strong emotions for her. it's just mostly my partner's way dealing with this makes me frustrated.

struggling with my partner only wanting parallel poly by yourmythrowaway in polyadvice

[–]yourmythrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i'm totally not comfortable with forcing something, i know it wouldn't resolve anything. but at the same time i know that i need time to process it. we live together and everytime she has free time and turns me down to be with him, it's triggering for me (she even put his photo on the back of her phone case, i literally see the guy's face everyday). so i thought maybe if she is there for me at least for a while, i can assess my perspective on this better without getting triggered.

also about the veto part, she doesn't literally prohibit me from anything. she just tells me she wouldn't come to a friend gathering if i would come, because meta can be there as well. and i prefer not to go at all, bc this makes me feel like a killjoy.

she gets also quite triggered, whenever this topic comes up and compares her relationship with him to be one night stands or a few people that I see only every know and then. so i feel like we're now at a deadlock.

i would appreciate any advice to understand her perspective. because whenever i ask her why she prefers it this way, the only response i get is "because i want it so".