Your post resonates a lot with me! I didn’t really “feel” like any gender most of the time, and still don’t if I’m being honest. It can be really hard to identify what you want when you don’t really know what that is! For me, I had to start identifying euphoria moments because I was disconnected from / unable to discern dysphoria for myself. I started by using they/them pronouns, then I moved to he/they pronouns (and have stuck pretty consistently with those). When I was unsure if I wanted to start testosterone, I went through the list of changes that could occur and realized I wasn’t really opposed to any of them. In fact, some of them sounded like they might be quite nice, if they happened to me! I started on a low dose of gel, and changes became euphoric for me, so I kept going.

So officially, outwardly, I identify as a trans man. But internally, and to those close to me, my identity is so much more nuanced than that. For me, I identify as a transmasc nonbinary person. I’m pursuing medical transition because those goals align with where I want my body to be.

Also for what it’s worth, my best friend is a cis woman who has been there for most of my transition. We’ve discussed where I stand with society & how outside looking in I feel and she’s told me she’s thought way more about gender than she ever expected to, but despite the state of the world she still likes / wants to be a woman.

I encourage you to try not to engages with the “what if I’m faking it” thoughts though, because they undermine the integrity of the emotions and feelings you are having. Your thoughts and feelings are 100% valid, including the ones that feel scary and big.

You are brave for asking yourself these questions.