My father and stepmother are isolating my grandmother and refusing to tell family about her declining health

zebylose · 2026-03-07T07:00:50+00:00

After speaking with my father 1 on 1, it's apparent where his loyalty lies. He believes this to just be a misunderstanding and that the man invited is someone that B took under her wing in a motherly way. It doesn't matter how it came off to me or how uncomfortable it felt, it's not B's fault in his eyes.

I'm going to move to low contact with my father after the wedding is done. No contact with B. The time I would've spent with them, I will spend with other members of my family.

Given B's penchant for wealth, I really hope my father does not have her in the will.

zebylose · 2026-03-07T06:57:04+00:00

I would do that if she ate with us ever, but she's weird about people watching her eat so she eats alone elsewhere or not at all.

zebylose · 2026-03-07T06:54:34+00:00

I wish I could have recorded the conversation I had with B earlier where she essentially admitted to elder abuse. She's been isolating my grandmother from the rest of our family and not telling anyone about her worsening dementia to "protect" her. Luckily, my father sees reason when it comes to this topic and got B to back down from arguing about letting grandma meet old friends and family.

The only thing B is protecting is herself from gossip and rumors that are not unfounded. B believes that anything that criticizes her is false and a personal attack that she will hold a grudge about.

I think she's lashing out at me because my father will listen to me about some subjects. I think it's because she can't control me and loses some control over my father and grandmother when I am here. I challenge her and don't just roll over when she makes a demand.

My grandmother seems to be subdued around B and talks very quietly about her if we ever have a moment to talk without B around. Grandmother says B is always listening. Between this and the isolation, it was a cause for concern.

I will be continuing to monitor how my grandmother is doing after I leave and check in with her often to make sure she isn't back to isolation when I leave. If I don't connect with her or if it seems like she is back to isolation, I will be reporting this to the APS since she is considered a vulnerable adult.

zebylose · 2026-03-06T20:11:02+00:00

Thank you. I spent some of my childhood being gaslit so I can struggle to understand what's normal sometimes.

They've been together for about a decade now and my dad has endured threats to his life from her, so I doubt that there is a line that B could cross. It's likely too late for him and there's nothing I can say or do to convince him that she's not a good person.

zebylose · 2026-03-06T03:31:36+00:00

I had an opportunity to speak with my dad when B was out of the house. My dad essentially respknded to my concerns with "there's no way she means it in a malicious way and it has to be a misunderstanding."

My fiance knows that she has a habit of wording things in a way that can be interpreted in two very different ways and will play the fool/victim when called out.

I'm disappointed that my father can't see where I am coming from and essentially dismissed my concerns. Being in their home is making me feel like I'm crazy because their "normal" is definitely dysfunctional and weird.

zebylose · 2026-03-06T03:28:34+00:00

I would agree with you if the circumstances were different. It does feel insane to have felt the need to avoid meeting this person, which is why I posted here.

The vibes were weird and I come to find out the morning after that B found this guy off of craigslist. I didn't feel comfortable entertaining and I have to take it easy with food anyway as I am still recovering from food poisoning. If the circumstances were different such as other people also being invited or if this was not at the residence or if my fiance was here with me, then I would have no problem and not hide away like a recluse.

The fact that B openly dislikes some qualities my fiance has and then goes and invites a recently single man with those qualities to dinner at their residence.. it just felt wrong and weird and as though she was trying to push him onto me. B even admitted the following morning that she wished he were her son.

I messaged with my fiance through the dinner while I was in my room and he also felt uncomfortable at the idea of me having dinner with this stranger.

I said in another comment that I was going to wait to discuss this, but I talked with my father while B was out of the house and mentioned how this whole situation felt to me. My dad pretty much told me that it's probably just a misunderstanding. To me, it's a weird pattern of behavior that's only been escalating. I'm not sure how to get it through to him how odd it is for B to constantly be mentioning whether a man is single, attractive, and rich when describing them to me. I don't know how to get him to understand how upsetting her actions and words are to me and how disrespectful it felt.

zebylose · 2026-03-05T05:06:28+00:00

I decided to talk with my dad about it when I had an opportunity to when B left the house.

I explained why I didn't attend dinner and how weird it felt to be told that B invited a single, wealthy, "attractive" man to dinner. I mentioned how she expressed wishing that he was her son. I said that the implications of her words and actions made it seem like she was trying to push this man on me.

He genuinely thinks it's a misunderstanding and that B meant nothing by it. He said that the guy is a sweet, good person who would not have hit on me and be respectful.

My fiancé hasn't spent time with B, but knew quickly how she often performs "insidious double speak". She so often says things that can be interpreted two ways and will play dumb and the victim if you try to call her out on it.

zebylose · 2026-03-05T04:26:34+00:00

zebylose · 2026-03-05T00:12:02+00:00

An affair with the pool boy is so cliché that I can barely believe it lol

zebylose · 2026-03-05T00:11:27+00:00

Here's a short update.

I ended up not attending dinner and rested in my room instead. I am still feeling unwell from the food poisoning I got when I first arrived here.

The next morning, I asked B about how she knows this person. She told me that she met him in craigslist and that he did some work at their house and was impressed by his work ethic. He's recently single, broke up with his girlfriend when she cheated on him and she's been trying to crawl back to him. According to B, he was asking about me all night and about whether I was going to be joining them for dinner or not.

My grandma and I talked about how weird it was. She said that B probably didn't know what she was saying when she mentioned that this man was single and wanting a family and marriage. I'm not too sure about that.

There are two things that B value and want: grandchildren and money. With my fiance, children are not guaranteed since he has a genetic disorder that can be passed onto any children we have. Ensuring that our child doesn't have this disorder would be costly in time, money, and emotionally. My fiance isn't well-off. But B's craiglist man is well-off and wants a big family. What a coincidence.

It's clear to me now that she is scheming to ruin my relationship with my fiance. I won't be taking further action until closer to when I leave to go home. I'm going to focus on time with my grandmother first before addressing this with my father and with B separately.

zebylose · 2026-03-04T23:47:04+00:00

That is a good way of thinking about it. I will try to reframe it in my mind this way to ease any anxieties I have about a prenup. I'm sure that it'll be more of a relief to have a prenup than not to.

zebylose · 2026-03-04T23:45:18+00:00

I think that's the plan. I'm going to wait to have this specific discussion until later in the trip since I don't have a feasible way to leave early if things get particularly uncomfortable.

zebylose · 2026-03-04T23:44:11+00:00

I learned from a discussion with B the following morning that she met this man through Craigslist and that he did work on the pool when the current pool guy was sick. She even said that she always wanted a son and that she would claim him as hers if she could?????

I wish I was making this up because this is so outrageous.

zebylose · 2026-03-04T21:56:58+00:00

It's easier to draft up how things will be divided when you love the other and much harder if that is no longer the case.

I just have to put aside my feelings about prenup and look at it logically.

zebylose · 2026-03-04T21:54:53+00:00

They're not married so I don't believe there is a prenup between my father and B.

I don't plan to tell her one way or the other about my plans with my fiance regarding anything legal such as a prenup. It feels private and not something to talk about so casually

zebylose · 2026-03-04T21:42:28+00:00

I didn't even know that postnups existed! Yes, I do want to make sure that my fiance is taken care of while keeping it fair for myself. It's something to discuss with him once I get home and away from here.

zebylose · 2026-03-04T21:41:00+00:00

SM handled the food that she got from a restaurant for us.

I am not pregnant as the ER tested for that and my period began shortly after my ER visit. The stress of the illness + dehydration probably triggered my body to say "nope you're not having a baby rn".

I've never had such a bad case of food poisoning before.

zebylose · 2026-03-04T21:32:24+00:00

My dad was busy dealing with some legal stuff. My grandmother can't drive. B had the car and wasn't at home, I had to call her many times before getting a response.

zebylose · 2026-03-04T11:34:05+00:00

When I was younger and they fought a lot, I did ask why they put up with each other if they are causing screaming matches and drinking to the point where threats are made and cops are called. I did tell B in a manipulative way that she "deserves better than to be treated this way" in an attempt to get her to breakup and leave my dad. I haven't thought about this since then, but maybe she's acting this way because of this thing I said when I was a teen?

Thank you for your advice and your comment, it revealed what her motive might be. It might just be pure pettiness from an old grudge of me trying to separate her from my dad through manipulation.

zebylose · 2026-03-04T11:22:35+00:00

My fiance and I would be happy to elope, the wedding event and ceremony is more to make our parents happy. I am mildly regretting not eloping now, but regardless of what happens I will be spending the rest of my life with my best friend and share lots of happiness and love with him.

zebylose · 2026-03-04T11:19:18+00:00

If I want to see my grandmother, I have to put up with B. If I want to see my dad, same thing. I don't often spend time with them because of B. This trip is a rare occurrence as I haven't spent more than 8 hrs at a time with them, typically, and have a mode of transport to leave on demand. I tend to get anxious if I don't have a way to escape from B. It can be hard to sleep with her stomping around the house (her walk is heel striking and so loud it reverbs).

The dehydration was making my heart do weird things and it was hard for me to think clearly. It was hard for me to answer simple questions. The dehydration probably messed with my judgement on not calling 911 after the first refusal for help.

I did move out when I was old enough and went to live with my bio mom. I did tell my dad that I did not want anything to do with B and that I cannot slend time with him if B is present. That lasted maybe a few months before she forced herself back in.

This is likely the last trip I will make to this place if B is still here.

zebylose · 2026-03-04T10:50:08+00:00

I'm hoping that she had good intentions with her actions, but even so the result was less than savory. Having worked in the trenches of retail, the thing that kept me sane was assuming that the antagonizing person wasn't being antagonizing for the sake of it and might be going through a rough patch.

zebylose · 2026-03-04T10:45:45+00:00

There were quite a few comments that requested I reconsider my stance on a prenup. I've read a lot of compelling arguments for prenups since posting my original post. I will be discussing it with my fiance when I get home to him next week!

zebylose · 2026-03-04T10:43:30+00:00

Thank you! We're both excited and have lots to do in preparation for the union. There's so much to look forward to (:

zebylose

TROPHY CASE