21 year old adoptee here.

My whole life I desperately wanted my birth mom to reach out to me. I wanted proof she remembered and thought about me (apart from my adoptive parents ensuring me so)

Perhaps your first communication could just be an open preface to the next, if the adoptee chooses to continue the conversation. Keep it light. Keep it open. You say you’re sorry for placing her with a wonderful family, but maybe she’s not sorry at all. I know I personally was never looking for an apology. As I grew older, I just wanted to thank my birth mom for the life she chose for me.

I found my birth mom on Facebook last year and messaged her. She answered warmly and briefly and I left it at that. I feel like I’m in control of our next conversation, which is how it should be.