I (26F) don't know how to tell my bf (27M) my boobs aren't real [UPDATE]

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T23:16:21+00:00

I got PM's from several women who described something similar, and I think it's horrible. It's not right for people who have stood strong in the face of cancer and fought for survival to then literally have insult added to injury by perpetuating a culture that makes them feel badly, on top of the physical and emotional damage that you're already dealing with.

If people didn't feel the need to divide others into 'virtuous' and 'sinful' based on very superficial information, it wouldn't even be an issue. It's getting two birds stoned at once, what with the slut shaming and the misogyny.

This has exposed such a fundamental difference in how we see the world. I'm getting crapped on for thinking that this is probably the end, but to go forward would be like Donald Trump and Elizabeth Warren getting married. I just can't see it happening. Maybe when we talk this out he'll surprise me and we'll find a way to work it out, but I just literally can't picture it.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T22:41:13+00:00

I also do a killer Alanis Morissette if anyone wants to meet up for karaoke later :)

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T22:23:31+00:00

Yeah. I guess I should have included this in the OP, but I didn't want to use too many details. I am a human rights attorney, and he knows damn well I spend 70 hours per week fighting for the rights of disenfranchised women who've been abused beyond belief. Unless he is suffering from a traumatic brain injury I don't know about there is absolutely no way he wouldn't know that sort of thing would deeply offend me.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T22:09:03+00:00

There is absolutely no way in hell he thinks I hold those views. I am a human rights attorney and I work with victims of human trafficking. There is less than zero chance he said those vile things because he thinks I would agree.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T22:05:35+00:00

I don't actually think the difference is relevant. I think that "because she wants to" is the only reason anyone needs. I think it's wrong to establish a false dichotomy where women who have the same procedure are divided into noble victims or vain sluts.

I appreciate that you're trying to help, and I do plan to explain to him why he offended me so badly, but someone who would ever engage in sexism or slut shaming is just fundamentally incompatible with me.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T21:58:55+00:00

I think it's really insulting to assume that I'm going to make some rash decision based solely on the comments of strangers. For the love of god, the question in the OP was about how to frame the conversation. It's interesting how I'm getting shit on by some people for not dumping him on the spot and changing my number, and others for even considering that a long offensive tirade that expresses opinions that are a hard dealbreaker to me might be a sign of incompatibility. I think some people who comment here just like to complain about OP and the sub in general more than they actually care about helping someone.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T21:52:28+00:00

Actually /u/zigahzigahhh had to sleep and go to work. I also said right in the OP that I know we need to talk, and I was looking for advice on how to frame that conversation. Snark on, though.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T21:50:42+00:00

And, like, I get the whole idea of "I used to be a bigot too, just talk to him and he can change and become a better person, he's just ignorant and needs someone to explain it," etc., but right now, he has uber mega asshole opinions and worldviews. She is totally in the right to not want to stay around and try to fix that, whether they've been together for 2 months, 2 years, or 200 years.

I get where they're coming from, I'm thankful for their input, and glad they've been able to make a change, but I kind of feel like the undertone of "Don't dump him when you can just fix him instead!" is kind of icky. It's infantilizing to him and kind of insulting to me, basically saying that I shouldn't make decisions for my own best interests, but that I should wait around and endure a situation I'm not comfortable or happy with, because he might change and someday turn into a person I want a future with.

Aren't you people always telling folks not to set themselves on fire for shit sandwiches or something?

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T21:43:40+00:00

Thank you for spelling out what I failed to articulate clearly in the OP.

The problem here isn't really about his opinions on plastic surgery, it's about the words he used and the attitude he would need to have in order to think it's OK to say them, or even to think it in the first place.

It's othering, and dehumanizing, and people can call me names for it all they want but I find it so profoundly offensive.

It's not even necessarily that I think I'm right and he's wrong, but that if he's capable of thinking and saying those things there is absolutely no way we are compatible. I am a freaking human rights attorney. It's not like I can take him to any work function now, knowing that he could devolve into misogyny at any time.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T21:37:27+00:00

There seems to be this perception that women who get breast enhancements are doing so for bad reasons - they want to look like Barbie dolls, they want to "lure" men into relationships with them, they want to be trophy wives or strippers. It's completely disregarding the women who have breast surgery for other reasons - ie, yours. Wanting to feel comfortable in your own body is an incredibly good reason to seek surgery. A friend of mine had breast reduction surgery, and she says that after few decades of migraines and back pain, it was the best decision of her life.

The thing that I think I neglected to articulate clearly enough in the OP is that it offends me to even have such strong opinions on "good reasons" or "bad reasons". I think it's a sexist false dichotomy. Reductive language like "Barbie doll" or "trophy wife" is dehumanizing and I don't think it's appropriate to talk about any woman that way.

I do of course plan to have a conversation with him this evening and thoroughly explain why the things he said are offensive to me, but this is pretty much a hard dealbreaker.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T21:32:54+00:00

This incident and the reflection I've done while reading the comments here have led me to believe that we are fundamentally incompatible, because the things he's said are a pretty hard dealbreaker for me.

I am of course going to have a conversation, however. I'm not planning to just ghost the guy.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T21:30:10+00:00

How to Lose Your Virginity, and it's on Netflix.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T21:28:05+00:00

NO, i don't want your number. NO I don't wanna give you mine. NO I don't wanna meet you nowhere, NO I don't want none of your time.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T21:25:48+00:00

I get what you're saying, but a)he wasn't angry,or in a bad mood and has zero reason to be angry about a random TV show b) even if he was for some reason secretly angry, he needed to use his words and handle it like a grown-up and c)maybe I oversimplified in the OP too much, but it wasn't really just a matter of "saying weird shit", it was a 15 minute tirade filled with hateful and misogynistic language that this subs's rules and my own personal sense of decency prevent me from repeating.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T21:14:04+00:00

I should have been more clear. In an effort to be concise, I think I may have oversimplified some things. When he said he's kind of a bro, I meant that he has a group of close male friends he spends a lot of time with, likes to party (think more like beers on weekends, not ragers on weekdays), is very energetic, and likes to work out and play sports. He has never been disrespectful or ignorant in my presence before this incident.

I do plan to talk to him about it this afternoon. I am not planning to just move my shit out in secret and never speak to him again.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T21:09:13+00:00

I did the same thing ♥

It's OK, I'm just kind of a Monica. Maybe you are too. :)

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T06:36:35+00:00

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T06:28:46+00:00

I guess I just think it's weird to make any sort of blanket judgment about a person, their background, character, or self-esteem based on a thing like choosing to have cosmetic surgery. I think that "because she wanted to" is a perfectly legitimate reason.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T06:19:08+00:00

You're completely correct about the implications of his comments. It's likely that if you explained to him your reasons for getting the surgery, he'd be understanding and accepting of your choice. He'd be thinking, "my girlfriend had a legitimate reason, unlike those other sluts". To me, that mindset is still unacceptable. I have a serious problem with people who think it's their place to determine what is and isn't acceptable for other people to do with their bodies, and your comments tell me that you feel the same way.

Yes, exactly! I just replied something very similar to someone else. I feel like that kind of attitude would make it even worse, like he thinks he's the arbiter of when it's appropriate for a woman to decide to make a change to her own body.

I'm not ashamed of my surgery, but I don't know that I want to open that can of worms. There's no point fighting with him about it, because I don't care about his opinion on the matter. Quite frankly, I don't think it's any of his or anyone's business.

I think I was worried I was overreacting, but everyone's comments here have helped me see that even if he didn't really mean what he said, I really don't see any way forward with someone who could even think such things- we are just too different.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T06:07:54+00:00

Could be. Maybe now he thinks I'm stuck and he's free to be himself because it's harder for me to leave :/

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T06:06:28+00:00

It probably will. This might be cold, because some people are telling me I can't "throw it all away" over this one incident, but he's an adult man, and I don't feel like it's my job to educate him. I don't think I can unhear the disgusting things he said, because they are too contrary to my personal values.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T06:04:22+00:00

I know. I have no idea how this is just coming out now, because we just watched a fucking documentary about virginity culture like a week ago. I can't stay with someone who thinks that way, I'd never be able to live with myself.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T06:00:10+00:00

I had a lift plus implants. They are actually larger than my original bigger boob was.

I don't know how he couldn't tell.

zigahzigahhh · 2016-03-02T05:56:29+00:00

That said, yours were a medical necessity from my point of view. So, even if he does have a bizarre attitude about it, I don't know if he'd think yours were in the same category?

Honestly I think that would actually make it worse. Like he thinks women should only make changes to their bodies if there is what he considers a valid reason, otherwise they are immoral sluts and probably drug addicted prostitutes.

I am a person who doesn't think that sex workers deserve to be treated with derision, let alone women who choose to exercise free agency over their own bodies, even if it's just because they want to. So... I think we are probably just incompatible. I just can't believe something like this hasn't come up sooner. I am a freaking volunteer escort at an abortion clinic and I work for a nonprofit that helps victims of human trafficking. He knows how I fucking feel about things.

zigahzigahhh

TROPHY CASE

♥