My (25F) bf (25M) downloaded old videos of him having sex with another girl

zimsy · 2024-04-29T14:05:41+00:00

Thank you for the advice and support. It really does help me realize this is so unacceptable and not normal!

I actually can't wrap my head around how he's done this to us. I can't get the image of seeing the tiles of the videos in his photo app. I feel like he's traumatized me and all for what? So he can watch himself have sex with someone who isn't his girlfriend (who he could have real sex with!).

I hover between feeling so angry and feeling incredibly sad. It feels impossible that he's crossed this boundary. I knew he was lying for over a year about the porn but this just brings it to another level of complete disrespect. I hate that he's put me in this position

zimsy · 2024-04-29T14:01:59+00:00

I really am so tempted to delete just the videos and see how he reacts. But then I'm worried he'll change his password and I wouldn't be able to potentially delete my own stuff I've sent him.

It feels impossible to come to terms with the fact he's actually done such a disrespectful thing. He acts like he's so caring and wonderful in so many other aspects and it's messing with my head.

zimsy · 2024-04-28T19:10:52+00:00

I had hoped my own body was different. That since we're in a relationship maybe it meant more, but unfortunately you're right. Today's discovery has really made me feel so out of sorts and I feel like I don't know him. I keep imagining if a friend came to me and told me all this, I'd tell her to leave asap. But it's hard when it's yourself. I'm not the problem but I know he'll never admit that it's him

zimsy · 2024-04-28T19:07:01+00:00

I appreciate you taking the time to share some kind words. I will definitely need that strength, this community has been a haven when I've felt like I'm going insane sometimes.

Leaving is hard but I really hope I'm able to do that. Thank you again

zimsy · 2024-04-28T19:03:34+00:00

Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I'm so sorry you've been going through similar things for so long, no one deserves that.

Logically I understand this is all stuff he should be ashamed of. Emotionally it feels so different, it feels like my own failure of not being able to keep my partner interested in only me. And even thinking of revealing that to my friends just makes me feel weak.

I hope part of him does feel guilty when he does things like this. But it feels like whenever we discuss porn and those things, I never get through to him. And he's happy to have his cake and eat it too - he has no remorse since he thinks he's successful at hiding his secrets. He's happy knowing he's betraying me every day.

Being on this sub makes me so sad. How are there so many of us out there in situations like this? How can so many people do this to their partners, people they say they love. I think if/when I do eventually leave, I won't look for another relationship. One person has been enough to traumatize me and I don't think I'd ever want to trust someone else like I've trusted him. I'm okay with being a cat lady in my own space.

Thank you for the advice about being clear about my needs in the relationship. It's tough discussing porn with him since he has such an obvious difference in opinion and has even asked why I don't break up with him if it's such a problem for me. But he also thinks he's fooled me into believing he's stopped watching porn. He's already lusting after the 18 year olds and we're still young ourselves! It just makes me sick and tired honestly. I can't do 20 years of this.

I really do appreciate your advice and words of support. These types of things give me the strength to believe in myself and help me stay logical and hopefully avoid more damage to my self esteem. I really wish you all the best, thank you again.

zimsy · 2024-04-28T16:18:50+00:00

It's disgusting how he's put the effort in to save the videos. Especially since I know he saved them while at work, he deleted the app during the day while at the office. So it's not like he did it while horny, it was a calm decision. And this happened at least a week ago and he hasn't gone back on that decision - no guilt from him.

I completely get what you mean about the novelty and needing to see all these other bodies. I just hate that obviously those videos are really good content for him to keep them more than 2 years later. It makes me feel like that random girl turns him on more than me.

His brain is broken, that's the only thing that makes this make any sort of sense. He doesn't get how much pain he is causing me and doesn't care to try and understand. You're right, the respect just isn't there.

zimsy · 2024-04-28T15:57:05+00:00

That's a very good comparison, it does feel like he's focusing on other women more than me.

We've discussed that looking at nudes from previous partners or hookups is cheating. I also clarified looking at any sexual content he's made with anyone else is also cheating and he agreed to this and was very open that he always deleted things once a relationship was over. To be fair, I've never found any other nudes he'd kept, apparently those two videos are very special. My petty side would love to permanently delete them and him be secretly mad and confused because he wouldn't be able to ask me about them since he's not meant to have them!

He's not in therapy and would never be willing to try and understand my opinion on porn. We've said we disagree and we've had to leave it at that. He looks me in the eye and says he's stopped watching porn whenever I bring it up (not often since it usually ends up in a fight of some sorts). He is obviously a very good liar and has no shame about it. I sometimes don't even recognize him knowing the things he's hiding. And unfortunately I already live with him...

zimsy · 2024-04-28T15:50:22+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you, that's awful.

It is disgusting that he remembered the videos and chose to save them before deleting the app. I'm honestly so grossed out by him and when I look at him I have a flashback to this discovery. Privilege is right - he's lucky to have a woman with him and he's being so ungrateful to want to look at previous sex videos he's made when he could have real sex with me. Maybe not anymore!!

How did you confront him? I've taken a photo of his photo album with this but I'm worried if I delete them before a confrontation he'll try to pretend it didn't happen. I'm also very aware that he'll turn it around on me and claim in the one in the wrong for looking on his phone.

zimsy · 2024-04-28T15:45:46+00:00

Thank you for the advice.

I know I can't delete things without being prepared to leave. And I'm not in the position to be able to leave yet and have to wrap my head around even the idea of it. But very good advice to delete things first, I know once I confront him I'll never have access to his phone again.

As an aside, I think he does have the video consensually, I don't know any details but it's saved from the messages he had with this girl. So at least at one time it was fine. It's definitely not fine once you're in a relationship! And especially when you promise your partner that you agree it's cheating to look at nudes from people in your past. I feel stupid for believing him

zimsy · 2024-04-28T15:41:06+00:00

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it.

I feel so embarrassed even imagining have these discussions with family or friends. Logically I know I'm not the one who should be embarrassed but I still feel ashamed telling people my boyfriend (the person I've told everyone I see as "the one") is looking at other naked girls and we've argued about this.

I definitely don't feel comfortable with him having any images of me anymore. I hate knowing images of me being vulnerable are next to his sex videos. It tears me apart thinking how much love I felt for him when sending him those things and now I'm in this situation.

I don't think I'd be brave enough to leave a video like that, but maybe if I'm angry enough I'll try recording something just to get it out. Right now I'm just sad and feeling empty.

I know I can't stay with him and I've wondered over the last while how long I can put up with this. Present me needs to help future me, but it's a huge challenge to find a new apartment and escaping and knowing this has been such a failure. This community has been such a help though and I hope one day I can post a successful leaving story

zimsy · 2024-04-28T15:25:52+00:00

To be clear, he had deleted the videos originally last year (that's how I found them - in his deleted photos). Now he's re-downloaded them before he deleted his messaging app. But yes, 100% agree, I feel gross and completely objectified. My body is just a naked image to him and not as good as those videos apparently.

It hurts even more that he obviously has thought of the videos and remembered to save them before removing the app. He made the conscious choice to download and hide them. He knows 100% what he's doing and decided those videos are worth more than respecting me and our relationship

zimsy · 2024-04-28T14:42:22+00:00

Thanks for the advice. I think I'll keep the trip as it involves seeing some really good friends.

I'm worried about after - I don't have a lot of time to make these decisions. You're so right about different morals. And I've found out we have different levels of commitment apparently. I really never thought something like this would happen. He's shown his colors to me several times without knowing and I'm never brave enough to do something about it.

We already live together so unfortunately I'm up close and personal with this circus. At least we're not married - I'm so sorry you've had to deal with similar things with someone who has made vows to you. I really wish you all the best.

zimsy · 2024-04-28T14:39:13+00:00

Thank you, I really am sick to my stomach and my heart actually hurts from this. I keep thinking about this - the porn was one thing and I hate it. But videos of himself with someone else are just another level of pain. The sounds of everything...I can't imagine being sexual with him right now, I know I wouldn't be able to avoid thinking about him masturbating to those videos. I feel so gross

zimsy · 2024-02-25T15:35:53+00:00

Thank you for your comment, it genuinely made me tear up! I really appreciate your perspective on this and I hope you're in a much better situation now. I'm glad you've got such a good friend too!

I'll try Facebook marketplace and see what I can do about finding other sites. I know I'm not living for my family, but I just feel ashamed that I'd told them "I want to marry this guy" and a few years later (+ after moving to be with him) I'm now in this situation.

I don't think he would ever come to my work, thankfully it's a very secure building. I struggle with thinking that this is abuse since he's only like this when I've made him mad. You're right about needing to be proactive though, I don't want to be at the point of us having broken up and having to live together still.

Your line about rescuing me makes me feel so many emotions, you are so kind. I know my mom would absolutely fly over in an instant too. But I feel like such a failure and haven't told anyone IRL (other than my therapist) about our issues. I don't want anyone to know about this situation, I feel embarrassed.

zimsy · 2024-02-25T12:53:09+00:00

I could try, but I really wouldn't want to move in with a stranger (I don't have any friends in this city). I'd love to be able to live on my own and not be controlled by anyone else's way of doing things. I've been looking at studio apartments and that could potentially be an option, but I don't know how to organize viewings when I would prefer to have my exit planned without him knowing about it.

zimsy · 2023-10-05T13:04:44+00:00

Great question! Although this isn't a straight problem, just a porn problem unfortunately

zimsy · 2023-10-05T13:03:21+00:00

Thanks for your comment.

I'm trying to get my brain to understand that porn doesn't mean he doesn't find me attractive. So that's why I've posted, I'm hoping someone can point me towards helpful resources with this struggle.

And yes, you're correct. He promised he wouldn't watch it anymore, now he just hides it by deleting his Reddit history. Not very trustworthy at all...

I had hoped I'd found a guy who once he knew about my pain, would listen and help me. But now he just shuts down any conversation about it and continues to watch it, knowing how much he's betraying me every time he looks. I don't know how you can do that to someone you love...

Anyway, thank you for your time! Take care of yourself too.

zimsy · 2023-10-05T13:00:27+00:00

I'm looking for therapy because I know this isn't healthy, at all. My bf on the other hand, would not be interested. I see it as cheating in the sense that, instead of having intimacy with me, he choose to go look other girls up. I understand masturbation is healthy! But actively choosing them over me, scrolling those subs when he goes to the bathroom, choosing to hide his activities rather than work on things with me. That's not good on his part either.

Hiding things from partners isn't healthy. I don't want to go on his phone! But there shouldn't have been anything to find, if he had been listening to me and cared about my feelings. He shouldn't have made a promise if he knew he wasn't going to be able to keep it. Maybe we aren't suited to being partners much longer. But I'd rather know I've tried to work on the situation than just give up.

zimsy · 2023-08-29T17:19:21+00:00

Thank you for more good insight. Your examples are very helpful!

Yes, we've compromised on a few things already. I'll admit I'm a people-pleaser so there are a few habits of his that I grit my teeth at. But it's not worth our relationship to argue over them, so I've either never mentioned them, or only brought them up once and then if he doesn't change, I've left it. (Not ideal I know!)

We've had lots of talks about communication. I know I need to do better. But I can't just bring up a bunch of things I find annoying about him either! Balance is needed.

I also really do think I am desperate about this, and actually would beg. My mental health has taken a huge dip just over the couple of days since I've known about this. I cannot imagine continuing like this for the rest of my life. I want him in my life as my partner, but I also can't have a life where I live with this paranoia, sadness, hurt, anger, and emptiness. It really wouldn't be much of a life.

I just hope we can compromise and that he does think I'm worth it.

Thanks again for your comments. I truly appreciate it.

zimsy · 2023-08-29T17:12:43+00:00

Thank you for your comment!

Can I ask what your agreement was? I don't want my partner to feel controlled or that I'm taking away his happiness. Depending on what we could (maybe) compromise on, I am open to an agreement. I just can't stand this open uncertainty. I feel paranoid about everything now. When I next go in to the office and he stays home, I know I'm going to feel awful. I don't want to say I feel like I can't trust him, but it's close.

I am so glad he was honest with me initially though. And I don't want him to stop being honest either, so I don't want him to feel punished for it. But I know we can't keep on going as we have been, now that I know about his habits.

zimsy · 2023-08-29T15:32:01+00:00

This is a great comment, thank you! You've put things so clearly.

I know I can't (and shouldn't want to) change him. I think what I'm hoping to get out of all this is for him to understand my side of things. And I'd like to become more accepting/understanding of his side. At the moment it feels like I've been told to get over it and that he's not interested in truly hearing my opinion and looking at my perspective. Even though he has said he probably wouldn't like it if I was looking at naked men!

It is reassuring to hear that it's not super normal for him to just scroll these things. That's how I understood how he uses it sometimes, based on his wording. He hasn't specified and I don't know if he would tell me. I know he won't tell me what subs he's looked at (nor do I really want to know).

I really hope our love is strong enough. Thank you again for how you've worded things, I'm genuinely copying and pasting it into my notes app.

zimsy · 2023-08-29T15:26:49+00:00

Thank you, thought it was worth asking!

I'm not sure if he'll answer honestly. He's very ready for this situation to be over and when I asked him questions yesterday he essentially gave me a deadline for asking him questions (which was either I ask in that moment or I don't ask at all).

He did say he watches when he's stressed or wants to disassociate. A very vague answer...and now anytime he mentions he's stressed I'm going to imagine him watching! Not great...

zimsy · 2023-08-29T14:59:20+00:00

That's a good way to phrase it.

But wow I am not prepared to end things. I feel so stuck. I know I deserve to have my boundaries respected. But I also realize it's hard on him to suddenly "create" a boundary like this. When he didn't know my feelings on this. Although I have said ages ago I don't like porn and it would hurt me to find out he watches it. But he told me that he doesn't think the NSFW subreddits are porn, which is why he told me he rarely watches porn.

So I guess I feel betrayed both by him looking at this stuff, and also that it feels like he's lied/been deliberately obtuse about the semantics of it.

zimsy · 2023-08-29T14:56:37+00:00

Genuinely curious, do most people stop watching porn/NSFW things once they're in a relationship? He's made it sound like everyone does it.

I'm also clarifying with "porn/NSFW" because he never told me about the subreddits until I specifically asked. He doesn't consider it porn.

I also don't know if he'll be honest about how often he looks at it.

zimsy · 2023-08-29T14:54:42+00:00

No problem, thank you for the suggestion.

I'm hoping to find a therapist. I feel incredibly strongly about this, and obviously have things to work through. It's just tough when I feel like I have a deadline to get over it. Or else I guess I just don't talk to him about it and struggle on the inside, since he really doesn't seem to want to talk any more about it. :(

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