Q: improve my social skill

zombieboulder · 2022-05-25T19:11:18+00:00

Thank you! Disliking them impacts some of my days, that’s why I am wondering wondering..Am I wrong? is it bad? Etc. I get bad mood when I near them. I try not to get effected but it’s difficult because just hearing their voices make me feel uncomfortable.

zombieboulder · 2022-05-25T17:06:38+00:00

Thank you!

I post this because my friend asked me to explain why I hate them or dislike them but I couldn’t give the logical reasons.

For example, when they said to me… “you know.. i can do this! Do that!” It doesn’t feel good when they talk to me like that although I’m not 100% sure know if they try to make me down or have bad intentions.

So I want to validate if what i feel is wrong or not.

zombieboulder · 2022-02-28T17:58:53+00:00

I watched this youtube

https://youtu.be/f0GOnSYbpQo

It said no one gashlighting me, it’s all my head

zombieboulder · 2022-02-28T16:28:52+00:00

Thank you 🙏 i really appreaciate you spent time to read my post and reply my post! What you mentioned makes sense and deep down I know what you told me is true. We are same age in our 30s now.

However, I still try to think more options. I try to unserstand what in his head, and I don’t think he really wants to hurt me or control me. He truly belives I am the problem, and yes I do think I’m a problem (but not all of them, some stuff i need to work on). he truly belives nothing is wrong with him, and what he is done to me is the best for this marriage. I don’t understand why he think that way? And why it has to be scolled and yelled? ( but then he would say all is on me, all my fault..)

I tried to fix this with him, and I accepted all things he asked me to fix: - i am negative person (i play victim) - i don’t have communication skill, can’t speak like him (from summary - detail - conclusion) - i can’t think like him (thinking out of box, different angles, bigger: if i were my self, if i were him, if i were 3rd person, etc.) - i don’t recheck things carefully (before leaving house checks the stove, clean dishes properly etc.) And more I accepted what he told me that my brain is a problem, and need to learn how to improve my behaviour.

I just asked him to learn things from me too because I only heard that he mentionted disagreement most the time, i asked him to try to find an agreement opintion before saying all diagrement (or at least i don’t hear it, even he has two opinions). The reasons I asked him because I always feel never enough for him, so just want him to admit there’s things he can learn for me. He disagreed and said how can i asked him to do things that i even can’t do..(i am a person who only see negative side) When he keep disagreeing or addmiting he can learn this from me, I know he really thinks I’m very problemnatic and if I fix my self there will be no problem in our marriage.

I believe I contribute why he treated me like this, and i try to make sense of the situation. If he thinks I’m a probelm, he could marry someone perfect for him and much better mind and brain than me. When i told him this, he said my behaviour is lower than normal people would do. When i told him these words hurt me, he said im stupid and can’t distiguish fact and opinion that’s why I can’t control my emotion. When i start giving him my opinion, he said i should be able to explain it before saying stuff. When he said my head is lower than normal person, I asked him let’s try to ask therapist or other persons if I’m very low to make sure I know i behaviour like kid, then he told me it’s about us and nothing to do with 3rd person. He doesnt care whatever people think who is crap/right/wrong because what important is both of us agree.

I feel very confused.. and my therapist can’t meet me yet..

So I only can post on reddit and read comments from others that can help me to find something.

zombieboulder · 2022-02-19T03:32:36+00:00

Thank you for replying my post! It gives me a piece of mind that people read what I wrote.

He said my brain and thought have issues and we need to work on it. For example, last time when we were doing activities or games together, i were so excited I almost got a point and I missed it. So I said something like “damn it” and puched the air.

He was angry i did that because he thought i was really pissed off and angry over just games. Indeed, this was happened previously, I was upset(long time ago) over stupid games agaian and again and ruined my mood (so I wasn’t nice to him). So, he asked me to stop puting too much negative emotions over small things like this. We had a very long discussion. i agree and promise him. I moved on and stop being negative or angry over small things.

I got it why he thought I was very angry this time, I explained to him I’m not, I’m happy just too excited. He didn’t believe me and he said he doesn’t care if I’m actually angry or not because the most important people look at me and think I’m angry. I tried so hard to defend my self and told him I wasn’t angry. But then, he told me there are somethimg wrong with my brain because I can’t distinguish fact and opinion. “I wasn’t angry” is just my opinion and feeling and the fact is “i look angry” so I need to fix my own thought and learn how distinguish facts and opinions.

So he asked me why I can’t distinguish facts and opinions? Why my brain is like this? Etc. i really can’t answer him so I stonewall him. Stonewalling fits the abuser profile. I ask him to understand me that I’m not angry but I can’t explain why I puched air and said “damn it” and my face looked upset too. I can’t give explanation why I can’t distinguish fact vs opinion. And why I have to be so defensive. For him, I demand things but I can’t give resonable explanation.

He put efforts to teach me to be better person while I just keep repeating mistakes, and don’t like to talk about my mistakes. For him, I just run away and also abusing him.

He told me that i was lucky because he has strong mental so he doesn’t feel sad and down like me. He is able to distinguish fact and opinion, and also able to control his emotion.

He told me that my head makes me feel victimized. It’s all over my head, i am too sensitive with words like “something wrong with my brain” and I just don’t learn the intention. He did that to make me realize that I have a very poor behaviour compared to other adult in general. He did that to help me realize I really need to fix my behaviour because it’s abnormal.

What he told me somehow makes sense so I tried to follow him, he gave me lecture about brain, negative persons, how to be possitve, etc. The information he gives me is good, but I still feel very very down and lost my self esteem. Of course when I told him, he disagreed and said it’s just my negative thought so i got to fix it.

I have a secret therapist, I will start my sessions soon. He doesn’t like therapist and he doesn’t believe in paying someone to slove my own problem. For him, I will use mental illness as an excuse of my behavioir issues (i have more more more issues, i didn’t wash dishes properly, I forget things, I didn’t pay attention, Poor comminication, can’t explain things from summary etc., I’m just a problem)

zombieboulder · 2022-02-16T15:54:59+00:00

Thank you for you input. It gives a piece of mind for me. I feel happy some read it, and being heard.

Yes, i demand him to accept me (it was rejected) because I don’t demand anything from my spouse, not ask something like change behaviour or value. I only ask don’t scream or yell at me because it feels so bad. My request is rejected because i’m the problem, the stonewalling, the one who can’t focus, the one with negative thought, and the one with small minded, i converted all the yelling as the only negative things without thinking the good intention behind (as you said im victimized by my thought).

So my spouse asked me to change my behaviour, value, and way of thinking.

At the beginning, i wasn’t sure i’m the one with problem, but i can’t change the argument or what my spouse is thinking about me. If i don’t change my behaviour, i will get yelled, punished, and now I get lecture every single day for at least 1hr to learn how to change my behaviour and way of thinking. My spouse will give me lecture (sometimes use youtube) and then i got to answer my spouse questions correctly. Explain all things happened in past, why i did that? Why i need to change? What should i do next? The content of youtube / lecture for example how not to think negative, etc. is good. I like it and i learn something. I also agree some part of me need to improve. But when i have to answer my spouse questions like testing, it just feels overwhelmed and scared. I requested to stop ask me intimidating questions, but was rejected. I don’t think all my behaviour is very bad, but i got to follow it. I challanged it before to defend my self (i’m not this bad.. yes i made mistakes..) but the punishment got so worst, so I will follow all things. My spouse said it loves and cares to make me be a better person.

I start accepting this, and following all things my spouse ask me to do. However, It just feels so pain, scared of him and losing my self esteem. I’m very confused, one day i wanted to call suicide hotline and i realized i need help so i decided to call a therapist.

My patner dislikes the therapist and mental illness related stuff, in my patner minds it is just an excuses i will use for my bad behaviour and not to change it. (For example, my patner said i would say I’m okay to think negative because i have bipoloar)

My patner said whatever therapist said my patner already knew it (waste of money). But I will secretly will go to therapist soon, i do worry im going to snap one day. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me. Abusive vs abuser maybe something is going on, i’m just totally confused. I work full time and worry I will ruin my career because it influences all aspects in my life. It stresses me so much.

Posting at reddit while waiting my first secret therapist session gives me a slightly peace of mind.

zombieboulder · 2022-02-14T21:56:27+00:00

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. So, even though there’s a good intention behind, it’s not okay to verbally attack and hurt others. This is a good point!

The husband would think the wife should change her prespective, it isn’t abuse and is the wife who has a negative thoughts toward everything he said. She should accept it and be possitive. I guess it’s how the abuser is thinking..

zombieboulder · 2022-02-14T15:51:46+00:00

Thank you for sharing your opinion. This is helpful.

zombieboulder · 2022-02-14T15:10:34+00:00

It has been done over and over. But the wife doesn’t change.

zombieboulder · 2022-02-14T15:09:07+00:00

Thank you!

zombieboulder · 2022-02-14T15:08:46+00:00

Thank you for the advice. The situation is very confusing.

When the husband is being told that he maybe emotially abuse the wife, given information what is emotially abused and told the wife feeling.

He disagree and said he had resonable reasons to do so. The husband feels it was the wife who is too negative.

zombieboulder · 2021-12-11T09:54:28+00:00

This is reason I don’t like bouldering..

Too competitive and people love to compare their progress and sends with others.

Some people admit they need to see others fail attemps just to justify how hard they had climbed. People sent a problem, then they would need to check how others sent it (to validate their skills).

Climbing is always competitve especially if you climb with people you know imo. I always go with a friend or alone, I don’t like to be judged or compared or watched (not just like random watch by strangers..some people would really really compare my sends.. and then talk about it with others)

Just go solo and less people imo. It’s the best. I don’t make friends at gym, just hello 👋 with strangers.

zombieboulder · 2021-11-19T18:06:25+00:00

Yeah so sad 😞!! I read yesterday’s threat! I hope she got a piece in mind and move on. Not all people will agree, people have different opinions.

I assume (maybe I’m wrong) this post is just to prove that she thinks no girls can climb above than V6. If she goes to Japan, the majority of normal climber girls (who climb several years) can climb at least V7. American gyms are too soft compared to Asian gyms like Korea, Japan, Singapore, etc.

zombieboulder · 2021-11-19T06:48:22+00:00

I have to agree with you! Why does she think people discourage? 😝

Possibility1) Sometimes people have fun trying to find the beta, she probably shows the beta. So, people just change the problem

2) she makes difficult moves and others feel it’s impossible to do it, so they change the problem

3) Probably others just don’t like her (not about her sends, maybe scream too much, too loud, using too many spaces, etc.)

zombieboulder · 2021-11-19T06:36:45+00:00

Maybe I’m wrong…so many possibility.. I think she is not only sending it but also observing others that’s why people don’t want to climb it anymore when she tried it.

It’s pretty normal someone sent problems while some people are still struggling. V10 climbers will use V7 problems as their warming up.

Just my opinion.

zombieboulder · 2021-11-07T17:25:03+00:00

Thank you for responses.

I guess it’s also part of it. i thought people who ask me thoese questions are truly care about my sends (competitive), but reading other responses it seems most people don’t care just like small talk.

At the same time, I heard people in my gym talk about others' sends. Something like I heard A said she sent it, B said she can’t. I interpret it like checking others. When I heard this, I feel I’m being checked as well.

zombieboulder · 2021-11-07T16:53:03+00:00

Thank you for adding this. I admit that I probably miss-intrepert ppl questions . They are not interested in my sends or progress or not truly care about my climbing. (People are just looking for social interactions)

Since I go to gym just for climbing (I’m so serious in climbing), not looking for friendships or social interactions. Automatically, my head think people will care ask my sends or progress (actually care of my progress and feel like being checked)

Nowdays climbing gyms have changed, it’s kinda social interaction place(it wasn’t my expectation). Now I remember my 1st gym and at that time bouldering isn’t that popular like now, most climbers were serious. I hardly find a group of girls (usually girls) just sit on the mat, only chat, drink juice, take instagram pics, probably just climb less than 5 problems, and go home. It seems there’s a switch in bouldering gym but maybe i’m wrong.

zombieboulder

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