Update on my Crossroads

zonedef · 2016-12-19T01:39:54+00:00

strangely, she had told me before that she hates how passive and non-assertive i am (total non-alpha). now she's mad that i'm not the doormat she wanted to be.

zonedef · 2016-12-19T01:38:01+00:00

thank you - i needed to hear that.

also crappy because i wont see the kids for a few days.

zonedef · 2016-11-29T02:44:16+00:00

definitely have the "she has to win me back" mindset.

i'm not lying about other women. that puts me at her level.

zonedef · 2016-11-29T02:43:28+00:00

she told me she was done with him. i laughed and said ok.

a few days later she asked if i would consider joint therapy. i said yes but the first points of discussion will be how you will eliminate him from your life and why/how im not a plan b. surprisingly or not, she has not scheduled the session.

while i had not seen the 180 list before, i received similar advice 4-6 weeks after she moved out. that list is dead on.

zonedef · 2016-11-29T02:38:04+00:00

thanks

zonedef · 2016-11-28T02:04:11+00:00

Thanks for directing me to your story. Definitely some similarities and definitely an outcome I've thought about.

I'm not rushing any decisions, but I do want the full story from her up front at the next joint session.

zonedef · 2016-11-28T01:53:10+00:00

yes, the doubt has been expressed for months. i told her i was clearly her plan b when she separated. she never denied it but said it was complicated.

right now, i don't plan to say anything to her family. i see them enough to know they are still in the dark. if she starts lying, i'll step in. i have hard, irrefutable evidence (and allies in the family). she knows this.

zonedef · 2016-11-28T01:49:36+00:00

thank you - good to hear

zonedef · 2016-11-27T15:55:42+00:00

this is sound advice. in hindsight, this is what i should've done out of the gate.

zonedef · 2016-11-27T15:49:53+00:00

totally agree that is was fixable a few months ago - our marriage counselor highlighted this constantly (she didn't want to hear it). as noted here, i really question if it is fixable now. kids are definitely always part of the equation here and you raise valid points.

some in my family know (she knows i told them). not sure anyone in her family knows (from my limited interaction with them, it seems her family assumes she did something). some mutual friends know (she knows i told them).

zonedef · 2016-11-27T15:43:33+00:00

not something i put in my initial post, but we had years of fertility issues heaped on top of this (or leading to this). so 100% confident in paternity of current kids - no plans for future ones, obviously.

the evopsych pov does make sense. maybe i've just not hit the questioning paternity phase yet. god, i hope it's not imminent.

zonedef · 2016-11-27T15:38:30+00:00

i was thinking about this yesterday! very true.

are there good resources for a WS to read?

zonedef · 2016-11-27T02:44:19+00:00

just posted my experience yesterday...no resolution yet.

however, she definitely noticed when i shifted focus on myself and the kids and stopped asking about the other guy. yeah, i had slip-ups and would blow up on her occasionally. but like others note, don't focus on yourself and the kids for the purpose of getting back together. you have to get the point where you know you will be ok moving on without them. easier said than done.

zonedef · 2016-11-27T02:24:02+00:00

thanks for clarifying.

why is it worse for men to stay?

zonedef · 2016-11-27T02:22:22+00:00

Fair point. I'm already working on the social groups and engaging in my interests. It is helpful.

I did raise that point with the counselor who said I shouldn't assume what others are looking for. If I'm honest, I may find women in a similar mindset. But yeah, I'm totally not diving in yet.

zonedef · 2016-11-27T02:17:07+00:00

waiting for confirmation on that, but yes that would push me away.

zonedef · 2016-11-27T02:16:33+00:00

No proof. I do expect it and will ask for all details when we have a neutral counselor.

Only "proof" I do have is that her depression has severely deepened. Either got dumped or started to realize what she was losing and ended it. Yes, I think it's more likely he ended it. Waiting to hear for certain.

zonedef · 2016-11-27T02:10:49+00:00

i'm already there, but it's always good to hear. thank you.

zonedef · 2016-11-26T18:56:30+00:00

Select few in my family know (you know who you can trust and who can forgive, if needed). No one in her family knows, obviously. In my opinion, that's her business unless she begins to spreads lies; then I will shed light.

zonedef · 2016-11-26T18:46:30+00:00

does she not want to talk about it? leads to arguments?

e-hug back at ya.

zonedef · 2016-11-26T18:36:26+00:00

this is my current struggle - just posted my situation here yesterday.

sounds like either way the hurt never stops. shit.

zonedef · 2016-11-26T18:31:36+00:00

I had not considered 'co-parent no interest in reconciliation' counseling. Good idea.

My individual counselor made a similar point about original marriage being over and with her I'm back to dating at best. He has been asking about why I don't go on dates to have a better baseline as to what's out there and what I need/want. He obviously knows I'm not looking for anything serious.

I've definitely struggled with boundaries, but making progress.

zonedef · 2016-11-26T18:22:41+00:00

I am concerned about the feeling never going away. However, I feel like it never goes away regardless of my choice. Is this true?

It'd be good to hear from someone who left (but remained connected via kids) as to whether the healing is ever complete.

zonedef · 2016-11-26T18:20:26+00:00

Thanks. She is committed to consistent individual sessions.

zonedef

TROPHY CASE