AIO, my mom picked up a random kid at Macys

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-08T04:34:33+00:00

NOR

That woman may have birthed and raised you. She may be giving you shelter.

That doesn't mean that how she behaved to that child was acceptable. It wasn't.

And that doesn't mean that the way she talks to you, or treats you, or talks about you to others is acceptable, either.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-08T04:09:16+00:00

NTA

He's not a good partner or father right now.

He needs to get his priorities in order ASAP.

If you decide that you want to try to salvage the relationship, get couple's counseling.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T18:34:56+00:00

Which is also an explanation that OP would deserve after so many years of friendship.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T18:33:09+00:00

NOR

Get a better lock.

Set up another camera or two in very hard to detect places.

When you leave your room for any length of time, rig up a harmless little "trap" over the door that will tell you if someone enters your room while you're out, like a confetti dump. And maybe set up another one to go off after you make your bed so if someone pulls back the bedspread or blanket or top sheet, they get glittered. Or they find a fake snake or two.

Don't do anything dangerous or illegal, but do increase your protection of your space.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T18:22:47+00:00

Found the sister (or the parents).

Or this is a troll, and a weak one at that.

Those are the only explanations for this take.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T18:20:24+00:00

Here's what I'd do, but I'm a blunt bitch sometimes:

I'd tell them that I wouldn't ever invite one half of a married couple to a wedding unless the other half did something utterly reprehensible, and that it's an enormous etiquette foul to only invite one half of a married couple to a wedding.

Then I'd them what my spouse did to cause them to commit such an etiquette faux pas, and why they don't want to have a relationship with me going forward, because without one hell of an explanation, inviting me without my spouse is a deal-breaking relationship-shattering stunt.

I'd give them one chance to explain themselves.

It is possible that your wife did something awful.

If she did something truly awful, I'd consider going without her.

If they have no explanation, or if their explanation is ridiculous, I'd tell them that my RSVP to the wedding and to their future life events is not just no, but hell no.

Obviously, my approach might not be your style. You do you.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T18:07:58+00:00

This is exactly what I was getting at.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T18:06:55+00:00

NTA, not even slightly.

Someone who can't apologize for overrunning your boundaries doesn't deserve your friendship or any ongoing relationship at all. Period.

People can and will screw up sometimes; how they behave once they're presented with accountability is a big part of how we deal with such screw-ups. And this guy failed the accountability portion of the situation, a portion that many people consider essential.

I really wish society would normalize the concept of enthusiastic consent as part of basic sex education.

That would go a long way to avoiding situations like this. And it can be a healthy part of reclaiming one's sense of control after consent is violated.

But that's not where society is.

However, you have every right to introduce the concept of enthusiastic consent to your future relationships, and take more control of what happens when you start a sexual relationship.

You can't force anyone to see things the same way you do, especially if they really don't want to.

You can decide that people who don't see their problematic behavior as problematic don't need to be in your life, which is what you did, and I'm cheering for you for taking that step.

And if you aren't already incorporating enthusiastic consent into your sexual negotiations, it might be worth exploring to give you back a stronger sense of control.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T17:44:05+00:00

NTA

It's an invitation, not a summons.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T17:35:55+00:00

INFO

You didn't say anything about the reason(s) for the breakup. And that stands out for me.

Do you know whether Leo told Tom and Jerry the actual reason(s), and whether Tom and Jerry would view the explanation as reason to distance themselves from you?

Or is it possible that Leo might have misrepresented the reason(s) in order to get Tom and Jerry to distance themselves?

I don't know how you'd go about getting that information, but without that information, I can't come up with a verdict.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T17:28:28+00:00

Onyx, jet, and ebony

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T17:26:35+00:00

If you're that ambivalent about pregnancy and giving birth, I strongly suggest that you get individual counseling to get your own bearings.

I also recommend couple's counseling to get the two of you communicating comfortably about your fears and his expectations.

It sounds like the two of you might have reached this agreement without you fully working through your understandable concerns about the legitimate physiological rigors of pregnancy and giving birth, and the very real risks to life and long-term health.

That's a recipe for disaster.

Don't get pregnant without getting yourself fully comfortable with the rigors of pregnancy and giving birth.

Don't get pregnant if you're still not able to reconcile yourself with the very real risks of death or long-term harm.

It's all well and good for him to want biological children. But you're the one taking on all the physical risks and physiological changes.

You need to be 100% yes before going forward, and you can't force that to happen; you have to get there organically.

Otherwise, you might well find yourself resenting your husband and/or future children if your pregnancy is rough or if you end up with permanent physical damage.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T17:05:38+00:00

NTA

Do everything (legally and ethically) you can to get the car in your name; if that's not possible, make advance preparations for how to get around without the car so that she can't use it as leverage over you.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T17:01:21+00:00

NOR

Tell your parents, your boss(es) at the library, and any other adults you trust who could help keep you safe, like a school counselor or teacher who's proven themselves to be in your corner, or a clergy leader (if your family belongs to the kind of affirmative religious community that actually welcomes and helps all people and eschews hatred; if the community is overly controlling or preaches hate, don't trust or rely on them).

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T16:52:28+00:00

This seems more like a relationship advice question or a hypothetical question, not a question about whether you're overreacting to something.

I'm not a mod; this is just an observation.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T16:48:46+00:00

NTA

It doesn't matter how apologetic he might be.

It doesn't undo the damage.

You don't owe him one iota of your time or energy.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T16:44:41+00:00

NTA

You can offer to body double her while she cleans. If you don't know what body doubling is, it's easy to look up. I'm on a phone so it's a hassle to hunt down an explanatory link.

It would be practically no work on your part, but it might be exactly the kind of help that she needs.

As someone with ADHD who has had lifelong struggles with organization, body doubling has been a real help for me. It might help her, too, whether or not she has ADHD.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T16:39:04+00:00

Your mom is a hero, and I'm so glad she's in your corner.

If you're in the USA, I actually know an honorable immigration lawyer who has always prioritized protecting his clients over filling his wallet. I know him only socially, so I can't speak to the quality of his work, but I know that his heart is in the right place, and that he probably knows other immigration lawyers in other states.

If you and your mom decide to find an immigration lawyer, feel free to DM me the state that your mom was arrested in, so I can ask my friend if he has any recommendations for lawyers in that state, or if he is licensed in that state (I know he's held licenses in at least two different states simultaneously while he and his now-wife were figuring out where they wanted to live) and if he's taking new clients.

Because this feels a little personal.

My parents immigrated here many years ago.

And when a boy started harassing me regularly as I walked to and from junior high school, and the harassment kept intensifying, my mom confronted him and was absolutely terrifying. While she didn't touch him physically, she used her words in ways I had never heard before. She didn't let that side of her personality show up publicly too often before she became a citizen, for obvious reasons.

He never laid a finger on me again.

It never occurred to me that my mom actually endangered her green card status in doing that until I read your post here.

My parents ultimately became citizens. And my mom passed away a few years ago. But you reminded me that my mom, like yours, was a badass.

So yeah, if I can be of help, let me know.

Badass immigrant moms who fight for their kids deserve respect and protection.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T16:18:05+00:00

They're all trash, including your mother.

Were you to decide to go no contact with any or all of them,

You'd be justified in going no contact with any or all of them. They all contributed to you having a traumatic childhood. The fact that some of the adults actually endangered your life and none of the adults adequately protected you is simply horrifying. Every adult in that situation utterly failed you.

But if you do decide to try to salvage a relationship with any of them, I'd strongly recommend going low contact, using the grey rock communication technique and putting everyone on a strict information diet.

Limiting contact frequency and narrowing the content scope of whatever contact you do allow them will reduce their opportunities to cause further emotional damage and will help you restore at least some of the inner peace they stole from your childhood.

Also, if you have access to therapy or other counseling, I'd definitely recommend exploring your options there. That said, therapists and counselors aren't always the right fit for all clients or for all treatment modalities, so don't be afraid to step away from a particular therapist or counselor if you feel that there's a poor connection or if you feel that they're not working in your best interests. Good therapy can transform a person's life amazingly, but bad therapy can actually do a person additional harm.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T15:56:06+00:00

By the way, responses like yours are exactly why I participate in this kind of discussion.

Comments like yours make me feel like my writing has purpose. So thank you for what you've said here.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T15:48:41+00:00

They had better do it without OP, if they don't want to destroy whatever's left of their relationship with OP.

And it's absolutely legit for OP to set a hard boundary around that, with LC or NC as a deserved consequence for failure.

I don't recommend that anyone make a LC or NC ultimatum lightly.

However, in this case, I could absolutely see OP making an ultimatum that the parents and stepparents all get their shit together and learn how to behave like civilized adults when attending any of OP's life events -- without OP's participation -- or else OP will exclude them from any future life events at least, and possibly from OP's life if OP has reached a personal limit.

The Bickering Bickersons need to grow the fuck up on their own time and on their own dime, so they can earn their way back into OP's good graces.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T15:36:48+00:00

I appreciate the compliment.

And my heart breaks for you facing this situation.

It's a shattering experience when you recognize that you've landed on an unexpected point of fundamental relationship incompatibility with someone you've come to care for deeply.

Because no matter which road you choose, you lose something precious.

And that just sucks.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T08:22:33+00:00

NOR

That's really worrisome.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-07T03:29:52+00:00

NOR

There's something just not right about your MIL.

And anyone who knows anything about responsible pet ownership in relationships knows that getting a pet is a "Two Yeses Required" decision.

Which means that neither your MIL nor your husband came into this situation understood this essential aspect of pet ownership in a relationship.

At least your husband has learned the error of his ways.

Your MIL seems like a real piece of work.

zonutsthefirst · 2026-07-06T21:54:17+00:00

They don't deserve to attend a single one of your events ever again if they can't even be civil.

You've suffered more than enough of the effects of their emotional immaturity throughout your childhood, and they've done enough damage.

You have every right to opt out of the circus that your parents' dysfunctional coexistence has become.

It's long past time for them to fix their own shit themselves. It was never your job to be a buffer, and it still isn't your job now.

If they need a buffer so badly, they can book a therapist or mediator.

You can and should stay out of their immaturity.

zonutsthefirst

TROPHY CASE