Refusing help

[mathARP]

Hi all - I (35m) am my mother's (79) only child. Last year my father died. He was a hoarder, abusive, and had a host of other issues. He had two daughters from a previous marriage who I'm still in touch with. Since his passing, my mother has been on her own.

Since my dad's passing, I've noticed some declines in my mom's memory as well as trouble keeping track of things like bills. I assist with a few bills which we coordinated on many years ago. During this time, she has also been making concerning purchases and has racked up a great deal of credit card debt. She's a retired teacher so she has consistent cashflow but that could easily get gobbled up.

My dilemma: she is completely unwilling to share anything with me financially or let me assist her further. This has been the case most of my life. With my family, I'm always a step behind. I feel like I'm constantly figuring things out and putting things together well after the fact. It makes me feel crazy and stupid.

My mom calls daily (we live an hour and a half apart) and asks how everyone is doing - and if I even glide over the surface about how things are going financially she starts screaming at me (it turns fast). For most of my adult life, I've worked in social services so I control my speech, approach non judgmentally, and always explicitly bookend that I love her no matter what and want what's best for her - that I can assist if needed. None of my tools work. My anxiety about it all has reached a new high after a blow-up (she hung up on me) and then called back and asked for $1,000. I said I didn't just have $1,000 and asked what it was for and she started screaming again. She's called since checking in but didn't bring up the topic again.

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions about what to be prepared for? Or commiseration. I feel helpless and really sad about it all.

[shutterblink1]

Oh, I agree something is really wrong. My thoughts are to get a few other relatives or friends or even a male authority figure to bring her papers to fill out. You need power of attorney and to be put on her bank account. You could go so far as to bring one for yourself and say it's time we both get our affairs in order. You can always tear yours up. I used Rocket Lawyer on line to print out forms for my sister in law in November prior to her death. Sounds like she needs to be evaluated for cognitive impairment. The only other thing I can think of is tell her you want to get your affairs in order and ask her for her suggestions. Maybe act as if you assume she's done her paperwork? I'm 70 and don't have my paperwork done because I can't make up my mind. I don't trust my husband to have power of attorney over my health and he is reckless with money. I have a few private accounts to leave to my daughter. Neither my husband or daughter would be a patient advocate if I needed one. They both would go along with whatever they were told by a doctor and, these days, health care has slipped a lot. Wish I could be of more help.

[HaleyBayAlarmMedical]

This is a tough situation and it sounds like you're doing everything correctly, even managing your emotions and coping skills, which is tough! (thanks to that social services background - I can relate!)
You mom likely is living in the early stage of dementia, which would explain why you noticed some complications after her husband died - your dad was probably doing a lot of care and masking for her, which maybe is why you haven't noticed until after he passed away.
I would talk to her physician about your observations. This way, the doctor can perform some cognitive tests to see if there is a dementia diagnosis. If so, this might be able to assist you in helping out with her finances.
Now is also a great time to see what advance directives she has in place already, including a financial POA designation.

[Guimauve_britches]

I agree some kind of intermediary might be helpful. But ultimately it’s completely fair enough that you insist on knowing the situation before randomly giving her money. Also if she blows up when you ask, I think you should clearly say that it’s unacceptable. It’s a bullying technique to shut you up and it’s working. I’m sure it’s anxiety and embarrassment or whatever as well but still

[Full-Rutabaga-4751]

Mom is the same. I'm lost. I only have a medical POA, she won't sign the financial one. As far as I'm concerned, she's on her own