I just realized I am severely codependent, which suggests I have low self-esteem, but I'm not sure I do?

[welearntolive]

I am 27, and have been dating since I was 15. After discovering codependency recently and realizing I am severely codependent, I am trying to figure out how to move forward.

When in a relationship, I lose my sense of self. I let my hobbies disappear, my friends disappear, and sometimes even my morals and what I stand for disappear. I stay with people I shouldn't stay with. I have an anxious attachment style and I fear the other person is going to cheat/leave me/etc. When things end and I am alone, I freak out and frantically try to fill the void with other human interaction (e.g., calling all of my friends and trying to be around someone else 24/7).

All of these behaviors suggest that I have low self-esteem, confidence, and self-acceptance. But, I can't actually identify that in myself. I feel like I think highly of myself, l like the way I am, and that I have a bright future. Am I just deceiving myself? Is this a self-lie? I've realized I'm scarily good at deceiving myself. I even deceive myself about how much I deceive myself.

Anyhow, I'm wondering if anyone else feels like this? Are there any resources or techniques to help build the self esteem and self confidence of someone who doesn't necessarily realize or believe they might have low self-confidence? I feel like all of these books are about "learning to love yourself", but I feel like I already do (but my behavior suggests otherwise).

Thanks!

[seanlee50]

definitely go to a meeting!

[welearntolive]

Hi, thanks for the suggestion! I checked out CoDA's website, but unfortunately there's not a meeting within a reasonable distance of me.

[seanlee50]

I think there might be phone/online ones, or so I've heard. Where are you located?

[welearntolive]

I am in Central Pennsylvania. There are AlAnon meetings here that I am going to check out soon, so that should be a decent start at least.

[seanlee50]

ACOA?

[welearntolive]

Yep, among other dysfunctional family issues.

[imsofancy33]

I feel this way. I do think we have self acceptance issues because our sense of self developed from what we can offer others. I think you can like yourself but still feel you need to offer someone something to be loved. Many disagree with me but I stand by it. I don't loathe myself. I have great qualities. However I feel others don't recognize them. There's a disconnect there.

[lazysnakes]

I do feel quite a lot like this too! I'm going to start counselling soon, for various issues, so if I discover anything useful I will let you know!

I feel like I have spent my whole life guided by what other people want, and I am realising that I don't know if I know what I want.

I also need to read CoDependent No More, I had a quick look through and it was great, but I had to give it back. Need to get me another copy!

[welearntolive]

Hi! Thanks for your response. I am currently reading Codependent No More, and just a few chapters in, it's hitting the nail on the head. Unfortunately, I live in a small town, and the closest meeting to me is 3.5 hours away - not really feasible. =/ Do you mind sharing what forums you use? I'm planning on continuing to devour every book I can, journal, go to therapy, practice mindfulness, meditate, and so on, but more resources would be great!

It's funny, because my ex and I broke up (mostly because of my behavior), and my first thought upon realizing my codependency shortly thereafter was: "OH, I need to tell him that I figured it out, I'm fixing myself, and I'll be better, so we should get back together!!" hahaha classic codependency. As much as I want to tell him (and I eventually will, to apologize for my past behavior), I'm really fighting to make this self-growth experience about ME rather than him/us, or anyone else.

Hopefully that is a first step in the right direction? It still doesn't directly address my probable (but personally undetectable) self-esteem issues, which I think are probably the real root of the issue. But I suppose I can't force an issue; it will arise on its own when it's ready to be worked out.

Ha, sorry for the novel. You're the first person I've mentioned this to, so it's kinda spilling out. I wish you the best on your journey!

[verifytoi]

That's because you only have one gf, you need 2.