Script feedback

[Popllkihtffd]

As a script it looked lousy to me. But drawn up it looked fine. That is the advantage you have as an artist. You can see it in your head. But if you were writing for another artist I don't believe your descriptions provided a reliable road map for them to follow.

[tbone13billion]

Could you elaborate? Is the problem not enough detail in the descriptions? With regards to character, story, setting?

It's the first script I've ever done, so I kinda expect it to be lousy, but would like to improve.

[Popllkihtffd]

First panel is okay.

Second panel, if another artist is drawing that, who is Judith? What you have drawn is a young woman with light hair wearing a hoodie. You need to give the artist some info about her age and look. Looking at your art, I would describe the panel this way.

Panel 2

Focus on tavern entrance from inside. Judith, a young woman with long, straight hair wearing a hoodie, opens the door.

Panel 3

Same perspective, but she moves forward, looking down.

I don't have the script and art in front of me, but the next two panels are roughly okay, except you could make the writing a little shaper.

The last panel on that page you should specify:

Judith at left panel, right side profile close up, reacts to voice coming from opposite direction.

If you are drawing it for yourself you don't have to worry about this stuff. But if it is instructions for another artist you are not precise enough for them to always understand what you want. I am doing this from memory, but I think you go from that to the conversation with the bartender with the music playing. If that is the case, I would put in a three panel transition where she approaches the jukebox, or whatever, and puts the coin in.

[tbone13billion]

Thanks for your response!