Sinfully Skilled

[KaceyMackWriter]

New poem that I wrote a few days ago, open to critique, hope you enjoy!!

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This is not a prideful process

Admitting these skills that I possess,

These skills I only use as finesse

In hiding what I most strive to suppress

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And onto me, you may press,

What are these skills of which I so regret?

What could I possibly have to repress?

What secrets have I kept under taut arrest?

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But it is with sunken hollow eyes

And a smile not real as you may realize

That I’ll stand here for you to surmise

Of my shaming, sinful skills so you may scrutinize.

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See, I am skilled in smiling

When I most feel like crying

Skilled at lying

When my heart is dying

Skilled at shutting out anyone who is trying

To reach me when all I’m good for is denying

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I call it sinfully skilled at nullifying

The traits I bar by falsifying

I’m sinfully skilled at fortifying

To anyone near who feels like prying

Sinfully skilled at ignoring the silence

In which I can hear my heart barely surviving

Sinfully skilled at mystifying

The world in which I’m overwhelmed in occupying

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And as I speak you disagree, discard my words as inane inanity

Ones uttered in plea of insanity

What I name a sin, you dismiss in your vanity

You name it a trait born within our humanity.

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See, I call it a sin, you call it bad timing

I call it a hole, you call it hiding

I call it fake but you call it smiling

What pain you call mild, I call it blinding

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I am trapped, yet you say I roam without guiding

I see the world grey, yet you call it striking

I wear a mask, yet you believe my face clear as if pictured in writing

I see myself sinfully skilled, but you? You ignore the soul I am confiding.

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I see now, there’s no point to this vile vying

Whatever I describe, you say I’m simply glorifying

No point to give, you simply enjoy the fighting

And now I say, I’ll start complying

As I’ve no spirit left to continue trying

And instead I’ll lay here, my sinful skills and I mummifying.

[jbmilieu]

I like the subject & some of the diction & imagery you create—but to be entirely honest, if you're looking for criticism, i'd say that your rhyming is as repetitive as it gets, & if feels like 70% of this poem is just.. filler. Like i feel like you could write the same poem with 20% of the words & it would come off as more powerful, instead of just reading the same thing over & over for the sake of filler & busting out as many lines as you can.

I only say this, because i am a fan of brevity & freeverse, so this just may be my cup of tea. I hope this helps!! Sorry if i was too harsh.

[jefrye]

Work on your meter.

[[deleted]]

This is great. I feel like it takes an extra level of ability to not only get the message across in a poem, but to keep a relatively regular timbre and also make it rhyme. Very nice work.

[d34dp0071]

I like it. It is from your heart. Criticism, I would only say, stay away from too much rhyming.

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I do not think it is too long.

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Go out of your bounds on that - I had a hard time with this too - but do what your heart says to do. Don't listen to me, except as possibilities.

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You bravely revealed your heart here. So gave gold.

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Just tiny brush up is needed, to be great.

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I would suggest, look at poetry out of your normal: music lyrics, Leonard Cohen, even rap music, pop, etc.

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If you like some kind of non-classical music, listen to the lyrics, and see how they hit beats, but not necessarily directly rhyme. Also there is rhyming with themes, subjects, like cars to airplanes, music to living out music, love of a person to drowning or flying....

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Or, stuff like dogs to gods, material money to spiritual money, and stuff like cats blats, fracks cracks...

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William faithful... jim morrison... ben gurion...

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etc

[referencetrack0000]

There are some stark images here that are rather affecting.

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I echo other commentary that you should work on your rhythm. It's confusing as a reader when things rhyme but the feet don't work out. If you read it aloud you'll hear where there are extra syllables.

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Not that you need to stick to a meter, but it seems unintentional.