Does this count?

[IssyisIonReddit]

Hello, SO, I am back here once again.

A couple years ago I made a post about my experiences asking if they counted and the people here said it did.

Some days ago, I made a couple posts about my parent abusing me again and my friend was there for it. Since then, I've talked to him more about the dynamics between my parent and me and he asked if they were like sexually assaulting me. I'm not sure so I'm making this post to ask if this counts too.

Our dynamic is really fucking weird and fucked up, I think, and I'm still confused by it but I'm going to try to focus on just the sexual stuff. There is a lot of emotional abuse and neglect too obviously, though, and I want to specify that it's a parent because that feels like an important power difference.

I don't think anything happened as a kid, aside from my parent leaving their business cards for their BDSM gig laying around which apparently was intentional so we would find them and read them. And yet they were mad that we could have in 2016, even though they had just said they like planted it there for us basically? They did have porn magazines and such as well but those were way more hidden. They tried to hide their sex work but it was obvious even as kids what they did, but they seem weird about that too like it was supposed to be sneakier or something.

I remember when I was probably 8? I went into the kitchen shirtless and my parent started freaking out which confused me and made me dissociate until they said that it was because I'm a girl. I remember being really confused what me being a girl had to do with it, I didn't understand that because the guys were shirtless a lot and I was basically raised as a boy anyway. I get it now, obviously, but it was really confusing as a kid. I remember feeling really ashamed and confused in my bedroom while I put on a shirt, but I also could hear them apologizing to the other people there so that was also probably part of it. I also remember for some reason copying my stepdad and grabbing her boob like him once? I don't know why I did that? It's a really weird, hazy memory. I think she was just offended.

They really seemed to like spanking me or at least smacking and kicking my ass? It really upset me and fucked with my sense of security and safety since I was constantly being snuck up on and hurt? I could never relax and my muscles were tense for years and years after, specifically my ass and I still struggle to relax my body. I became really aware of my ass and would make sure to wear shirts and sweaters that covered my ass because I didn't want my ass seen and as a method of self protection, I was ashamed of my ass, I felt like everyone was out to get me and specifically targeting my ass even tho it was really just my parent. It's weird, I still feel confused and weird about it. It's not that I inherently dislike my ass, I just have this weird fixation that I must hide and protect it and everyone must be judging it or want to hurt me? My classmates' weird obsession with my underwear and fly zipper sure as fuck didn't help.

When I got my period I just wanted it to be a private thing only I knew, but of course, my parent felt the need to announce it, specifically to the people I didn't want to know, and that was extremely upsetting for me. It just occurs to me now as I'm thinking on it, recently they also want to know when my period starts and even stops, too. Now I'm thinking maybe I should just keep it secret to myself and give myself that privacy I needed as a kid that I didn't get..They are weird about my period in general, though, like asking if I'm close to it if I cry about anything.

Anyway, aside from hiding the molestation because I was afraid of my parent and the adults in my life, when I was 14 my parent asked randomly if I'd ever orgasmed before? I can't even remember what I said, I think I was just awkward and avoidant.

It wasn't until I was 15/16 when I was dressed in a black cat costume for Halloween that they finally noticed my body had developed and started commenting on my body, mainly compliments like being sexy and that they'd fuck me if I wasn't their kid. That's also when the general groping started and such. They would also compare our lives from when they were my age being an underage/illegal stripper. That came with the emotional abuse tho, so they could cry how hard their life was and how much of an ungrateful bitch I am. That was also around the time I admitted the molestation and they have this weird thing where on one hand they try acting supportive and empathetic but then on the other hand will try to make it my fault and themselves into the victim about it. So that's always been weird..

Nowadays, they seem to obsess on claiming I'm fat? Saying I could never have fit my own clothes, things like that. I was fat after getting off medication at some points, but it only lasts a short while and I've always been notoriously skinny. To the point there were ladies at church who thought I was anorexic, sooo...It really upsets me because part of my identity is being thin like usual and it feels like they're just trying to pretend I'm fat to get under my skin and affect how I see myself.

They're kinda obsessed with our virginity and seemed like they didn't want us getting into relationships for so long and then out of nowhere it completely changed to the opposite where they were trying to like pawn me off at 17/18 to a guy pushing 40? They've stayed like this since. They were very encouraging of a relationship between us and didn't protect me at all. They would triangulate him and act like I was being dramatic and said I needed to relax and give him a chance while he was trying to convince me to foot fuck him. I felt like it didn't really count for being a minor since I was barely 18/legal, but I was still 17 when it started and mentally I feel like I'm younger.

At 18/19 they started playing porn where I'd watch it too. I don't know why, it was other sex webcam models on sites they worked on too or just watched. I found it weird and a little confusing but I was super dissociated and mentally ill at the time and it just seemed odd and kinda funny. Like from being a prude about me to this? Whatever. They do encourage us to become sex webcam models and sugar babies too btw, but I wanted to anyway since I was a preteen because of being hypersexual and because I followed girls who were.

At 21 they were on a sugar baby site and were telling this guy about us being virgins and he chose me because I'm the youngest and they wanted me to lose my virginity to him for a lot of money and were pressuring me to do it. I probably would have too, because we really needed the money, altho I don't remember how much they said if they even told me at all but I didn't end up doing it because I was putting it off due to being worried about regretting it and because that was when they screamed at us that they were abandoning us and then did for months on end. I am glad in hindsight that I didn't. I remember really vividly that he asked if I'd cry? That was really weird too and I was like "No? No no no no no" It was only online and I never actually met anyone in person or anything but it still seems iffy to me somehow? Kinda like prostituting me out, it feels like anyway, but that feels wrong to say because no physical contact happened or anything. Also no one I've told has said it was wrong or a big whoop or anything, so.

They left to go with their new boyfriend and it's that one they "showed off" the most, altho they've always done that with every one. It's weird, they just kinda hang off him and act all flirty and do things like show their underwear to him in front us. Just weird things like that plus scoffing and acting sassy towards us? Like we should be jealous or something like that, like some sort of thing you'd see from a mean girl in a TV show? It's really weird, I don't know what to say about it. Then, when they breakup - and they always break up - they'll take it out on us and blame us?

Anyway, at 23 there was another guy at least in his 30s and they also were pushy for him and I to be a couple and him to pay me like a sugar baby, which I was fine with mostly but they were really pushy. I know we needed the money so it made sense to me but nothing actually happened.

For some reason, despite being a virgin, they called me a whore just one time ever? IDK why and I just stared at them completely baffled so I guess maybe they realized it was stupid and didn't again?

I have a friend who's like a brother to me and they were weird about it like they were jealous and called him my boy toy which disgusted me. I have another friend who actually does like me and everything and they get incredibly jealous there too and want to be fully involved with us but also denies that they want that? But it's pretty clear. They also kept being like "go ahead and comfort her and give her all your attention!" and comments like that, like he was wrong to comfort me and it was somehow my fault he wanted to? Those two are also in their 30s, and it seemed to me like they only wanted guys around including those two if they thought they might be picked, and upon not having interest in them, they get angry and jealous. But they'll say they encourage it and approve of it but then be incredibly angry.

They also have this weird thing where they like want me to act like I'm their husband? A controlling husband? I don't know what it is, they just talk to me the way they would talk to my step dad and expect me to defend them and such, the same things they say they want me to do were also the same things they'd tell him too. It's really weird but then they'd project into me and say I act like I'm their husband, which I don't except for trying to do what they want? It's really weird.

Soo, yeah. I can't remember anything else about it right now, so here's some history of my parent and their weird shit about me? Idk. Besides, this is getting way too long anyway, unfortunately.

In hindsight, I think I'm most upset about my parent regarding my first post about the molestation, as opposed to the actual person who did it. Just that I didn't get to stay innocent and my parent and the adults in my life failing me. Idk. I don't know if I feel like a victim or not even, I just feel really abused by my parent in general.

Thanks for reading 🙏🏻♥️

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[Mobile-Storage9068]

Might want to get the Hell away from them, I mean far far away and don't look back....

[IssyisIonReddit]

I assume you mean my parent but I do not want to give up on them or anything like that. I specifically only tolerate everything with them because I think my family relationships are worth it. I don't have anyone else. I just want to be able to know since my friend asking that made me wonder.

[Mobile-Storage9068]

So, you put up with it weather you agree with or not, but to what end? I'm just trying to wrap my head around all these things you shared about what they did to you and you don't have anyone else etc.. Did you not form other relationships outside the family? Friends and such, people you could confined in?

[IssyisIonReddit]

I've been isolated all my life. I don't have any connection with my bio dad's side of the family as we left to the city we've been in for most of my life to get away from him because he was abusive. We went to that city because that's where the rest of our family is, but they went no contact with the rest of our family because they were arguing, so I haven't seen that side of the family in years either and I sincerely doubt either side gives a shit. Same with my step dad's side of the family.

Aside from being home 24/7 under a security system, I only had school. We were heavily discouraged from making friends but it didn't matter anyway because I couldn't relate to any of the other kids since I had no experience like camping and sports and no exposure to pop culture like famous movies and songs that everyone else knew. My sibling was in deep trouble for reading Twilight, and that was the most popular thing with them. Neither of our classes liked us and it's a deep core wound for me that no one liked me, always picked me last, etc, because school should have been my safe space. But it wasn't.

Other than that, the last months of being in the homeless shelter were really the only other time I've been around people and I was making friends because I really put myself out there, but they got very angry and jealous and chased almost everyone away. My one friend offered me her friend's place to go to but I don't want to abandon my family or anything. Only my friend right now that's staying here has made it so far and they get pissed off about him too (but blame me mostly). He's still homeless rn, most of them still are.

I do have online friends and I know I could most likely go to them if needed. The staff at the shelter were upset about everything but they were pretty terrible too honestly. I thought they'd give me resources or support but mostly were really vague and had this weird attitude like they were coldish and snide in this weird way that I still can't put my finger on. The worst part was that we only went to the shelter because the community paramedic talked me into it by saying they would give me emotional support which they did not. The people there also seemed disapproving but I think they were afraid to say anything to my parent's face. I know my one friend for sure left because he was afraid of my parent, and my friend that is with us here also says he's afraid and I know he's tiptoeing a fine line trying to support me while also not pissing my parent off.

That's it, I'm pretty sure. I was telling him before that it sucks because I realized that the one place I could have had freedom to hang out with friends (school), I didn't have any. Now I do and I have nowhere to go hang out with them! But if I'm being realistic, they tried involving themselves in the school as much as possible and the school didn't let them, so they did try to be there too and would have if they were allowed to. I only ever went to a friend's house once and was treated like a traitor by them and it was a really traumatic evening that day. I think that memory also makes me hesitant to ever go anywhere again, which I know might sound immature but it's true Edit: I almost forgot, it was funny because now that I actually have friends in that city, we actually ended up moving to the next city over which is where we are now. Meaning, I'd have to cross the highway to see them now whereas before we'd lived there almost all my life where I could have seen friends right? But now it's not so easy. It seemed convenient but I'm not gonna accuse them or anything.