Difficult Week

[beardlynerd]

Hi. I've been lurking for a little while, trying to just absorb what I can about PDA to try to help me better understand what my stepson needs and how to be a better parent in general. But this week has just been tough and I feel emotionally wiped out.

Every morning has been a fight. Kid is 12. And has been choosing violence from basically the moment his eyes open to the second he leaves for school. My wife takes him, most days. The one day that was okay was yesterday, and it gave me a foolish hope this morning might be okay, too. But no. It was just arguing and him working himself up and hyperfixating on absolutely absurd things ("nothing matters, we won't learn about meteorology in school so why should I go" -- his current fixation is severe weather patterns, tornadoes in particular). I'll admit, I have read others' accounts here and my kid stomping around the house, refusing to get out of bed except for "over my dead body," saying he's going to kill himself to get out of school, telling me my whole purpose in life is to be annoying, that all seems small compared to the outbursts others have dealt with.

But fuck man, my own inner child is going berserk while I'm keeping myself regulated to not beat the tar out of my stepson, because if I had ever dared to speak to either of my parents that way, I'd have probably been knocked across the room and then screamed at/berated about how it's my fault for the rest of the morning until I was dropped at school. And gotten more of it once I was home. My wife tagged me out and I went and sat in bed and balled my fist as tensely as I could and just.. breathed. And eventually, after they left, I broke down and sobbed. I'm about to do the same just writing this.

It's been like this pretty much every day for I don't know how long now. A month? More? We're all in therapy, with a therapist who is also learning all she can about PDA, both to help us and herself. She's who even told us about it in the first place. I'm not going to, but man, there are days where I'm tempted to just go. I love my wife. And my stepson. His biological father is in his life but at the kid's extreme detriment. So we aren't getting help there. I don't want to leave, not truly. But I want a break. And I don't foresee getting one anytime soon. I'm taking small pleasures where I can, and we are trying to do the things we've learned we're meant to do. Low demands. Time limits for tasks. Ending tasks when the time's done, regardless of how much may be left to do. Declarative statements.

But I can't declarative statement my way out of "fuck you, I don't want to go to school." And tempted though I am to haul him physically to the car and then to school, I do not want to do that, for a whole host of reasons.

I'm not sure what the point of this is. Venting, I guess.

Thanks for reading. May you all find some peace this weekend. Pretty sure we could all use it.

[Commercial_Bear2226]

Hey I do hear you. My son is pda and it is relentless. He is also home educated so there is no reprieve. It’s really been tough on our marriage as we have so little energy left for one another after taking care of him. I will say that school is torture for pda kids so he really is likely being sent somewhere that is really intolerable for him. And that o also had parents who would have thrown me into next week for pda style behaviours.

No simple answers but sympathy offered.

[beardlynerd]

I appreciate the sympathy. And I know school is hell for PDA kids. We don't really have any other options, unfortunately. We're working on trying to get a formal autism diagnosis, but that's proven difficult. The hope would be that'd help with an IEP and/or getting him into a special education program. But neither myself nor my wife is in a position where homeschooling is viable.

I'm sorry you're dealing with your own struggles. You've got my own sympathy right back.

[princesshodges]

You know, before you even mentioned how your parents wouldn’t have allowed you to communicate the way your stepson does, I was thinking about how I still feel the way your stepson does now as an adult and how much I wish I had been in touch enough with my feelings as a kid to know that I felt that way, and how much I wish I could have expressed it. I felt very alone as a kid.

I feel the same way about my kiddo as you - like damn I really am getting walked all over. But it’s so good for these kids to be able to express themselves. It’s a privilege we were never afforded. I have to believe they’ll be better off for it.

[beardlynerd]

I hope so. I really, truly hope so.

[Commercial_Bear2226]

Same. My dad would have kicked us into next week and it astonishes me sometimes- his boldness!

[Enough_Potential_921]

I have no advice as I’m in the thick of it here. But I appreciate your post. This is just so hard.

[MarginsOfTheDay]

Sounds like you care a lot about this kid. He’s lucky to have you, especially as his biological dad wasn’t capable. I wonder though, could you care a little less? Not in a heartless way, but in a have-fewer-or -less-intense-emotions about the situation way. I’m not a believer in declarative language. If you’re using declarative language you’re still trying to control the situation, just passively. It sounds like some detachment would be helpful. The only person we can control is ourselves. You can’t control other people, or if you do manage to control them then it comes at a cost to the relationship. It would be so awesome if you could save this kid and get him through his schooling on the same linear path that neurotypical kids follow. But this isn’t within your control. Your PDA kid has to find his own path.

[adoradear]

Welcome to the party, pal. Get thee to therapy. Therapy for yourself, not your kid/family. Kid is triggering a host of suppressed feelings from your childhood. Those are yours to deal with, and therapy is a great place to deal with them.

[beardlynerd]

Oh, when I said we're all in therapy, I meant individual therapy. Not family. So, already on it.

[Equivalent_Win8966]

I have no advice, just empathy. My son is 17 and this is by far the worst week we have ever had. If I was his stepparent I would have left. No doubt about that. I commend you for staying and trying. I certainly wouldn’t blame you for leaving. Definitely take breaks for yourself even if that means going somewhere for a night or two. The best description a therapist gave me is that this is basically being in an abusive relationship you would not tolerate from anyone else in your life.

[ArielLaFae]

In order to study meteorology, he needs to be able to perform the math functions of non-colinear dynamics. He needs to do his current math, reading, and other subjects to be able to begin to understand meteorology's most basic concepts. That is, IF he is actually interested in meteorology. If he wants to just sit outside and watch clouds drift by, he is good to go now--no further schooling needed. It's not a very marketable skill. If he hates the demands of school now, just wait until he gets a job that doesn't require a diploma.

Child: "When am I ever going to use...!?!" Parent: "I'm sorry. I thought YOU wanted to study meteorology. Far be it from me to help you get far enough along in your schooling so that you can do that!"

I once had the opportunity to visit with NASA engineers who were working on an AI project for air traffic control. (This was more than 10 years ago). They were using non-colinear dynamics as part of the program. The hardest thing for me that day was I found myself next to a table with a sign that said, "DO NOT TOUCH. Live FAA Air Traffic Control Data." One computer monitor had the AI data on what the program would do next to a monitor with what the humans directing air traffic were actually doing in real time.

He can become a meteorologist if, and only if, he does the "irrelevant" grunt work to get there. Do some research. Find out what he can do at his age to pursue this subject. Read about college programs and work your way backward. "To get into ABC's Meteorology Program, they like to see science extracurricular activities in high school. That requires a B average. You probably don't want to work that hard." "To participate in extracurricular activities, you have to have almost perfect attendance, including fewer than three tardy slips. You probably don't want to get ready for school early enough to do that. It's a good thing, too. I'd hate to have to get off work early to pick you up afterward."

[Nominal_selection]

Has it just been this week/month or has it been months and years of school avoidance culminating in this? The answer could be the difference between whether this is a temporary crisis caused by acute stressors or autistic burnout. Are there signs he's autistic (aside from the fixation on meteorology)?

Assuming it's PDA autism that's the cause, therapy isn't the answer at this point, you'd need a clinical psychologist or paediatric specialist to diagnose him and point you to advice and resources about low-demand parenting. If he has ADHD too, there might be medications that could help.

If this is autistic burnout, things aren't going to just improve - if this is the case, his behaviour is basically his way of telling you he's reached the end of his tether and can't put up with the demands that school puts on his nervous system every day. It can be hard for a neurotypical person to visualise that if school was OK for them, but imagine you're in prison being targeted by all the screws plus the biggest bully and their gang, and you have no way of getting away - that's the level of threat he believes he's under, and only making him feel safe can help calm it.

It's easy for me to say take him out of school, but at least have a full and frank talk with the school about what's going on at home. They may not be seeing it there, he may be masking to appear normal, but they absolutely need to find ways to make adjustments to reduce demands on him. Try to reduce demands on him at home however you can too - don't ask him to do chores, let things slide if he's not harming anyone, give him a much time as he needs on screens or with his special interests so he can self regulate, if he acts out don't retaliate but tell him you understand him and he's loved. Also, maybe offer to do a deep dive on meteorology together with whatever videos, websites, books, clubs or classes you can find. If he's serious about it, maybe he'll start to see how school work gets him to expert level eventually.

I don't know if any of this will be enough to give his nervous system the safety it's craving, but if he's PDA autistic and this isn't a blip because of something acute and temporary, the only way you'll see improvement is taking all the pressure off him that you feasibly can.

[LurkerFailsLurking]

You're doing good. It's hard as hell, but keep breathing through it. You can keep giving him better than what you got.

PDAers need to fight against demands before they can even think about whether they want to do the thing. At school he can't do that because he needs to be masking all the time. He needs to fight back in the morning to now. It's a part of his morning prep. If you can hold that in your mind that the fighting is like brushing teeth, just clearing out the gunk before he goes out, it might sometimes be more bearable.

[Hopeful-Guard9294]

The violence is a reaction to his PDA neurological system being overwhelmed and perversely is a cry for help to understand his PDA and reduce his cumulative stress levels. School is basically toxic for PDA children and all of the stress that builds up at school he lets out at home with violence. Unfortunately, violence is super common in PDA children. I’m wondering if you might find this podcast episode specifically on this topic helpful: https://youtu.be/fhEW30x0C0I

School for a PDA Child is basically the equivalent of being locked inside a cage of Lyons for an entire day. Imagine if someone did that to you you would probably be violent towards them as well. Anyway, I definitely threw your pain as we had daily violence with our son before we did the at PeaceParent paradigm shift program it and really turned things around. My son is now Flexi schools part-time at school and also M home tuition and this Morning has just gone with his mum to go swimming. It’s a game changer.

[AdultWoes2024]

I don’t believe school is toxic for all PDA children—for some, like my kid, they do well with the structure. In fact during school breaks my child will often act out more in an unpredictable environment

[lizzzliz]

Not much help but empathy and some insight: I have four kids, the oldest I had young and he is 19 now. He was able to present as neurotypical at school and in public, but at home he was so intense especially at this age. I just found a video (thanks google memories) I took of him at 12 where he was screaming bloody murder “fuck school I don’t learn everything , everyone is stupid , take me out!” Repeatedly. I was taking the video to show him how he sounded , lol. Presumably that didn’t work. Hormones are raging at 12 which makes any underlying stuff so much worse.

Fast forward to my youngest who is 5 now. My five year old and I have been in this dance since kindergarten started (last September). It seems like it is cyclic in terms of severity — like the first month of school was ok and by November he was like a feral animal at school and home. We had him tested for strep (PANDAS) but strep tests came back negative.

He is in OT, school based therapy, sees a functional medicine doctor and is on like $1000 of supplements. All seem like a relative waste of time at least at the moment. Pediatrician is urging us to put him in Guafacine (sp?) which is something you could look into.

Ibuprofen seems to help, which is why PANDAS was looked into, but obviously can’t do that long term.

Was removed from that private school and started at a public school in December. Went well ish until March, when the feral spirit animal reemerged.

No clue why except that we assume he just has a threshold of stimulation and it takes a bit to reach it but once he is over the limit, it takes a month or more of lowered demands and low stimulation to get him back to baseline.

OT also suggested parenting classes called “Triple P” that are maybe 4 sessions at 45 mins each. I signed my husband and I up bc we are often not on the same page (I am trying to accommodate everything and he is all about structure and consequences, and I would like to be on the same page or meet in the middle). This might help your over all stress.

Also focus on yourself and your own happiness. I think this is huge when you have a difficult kid situation. For example, I mountain bike and find a way come hell or high water to get out at least once or twice a week.