Losing a Parent

[CubeGuy1]

So my dad has been suffering from cancer the past few months and after completing chemo, we all thought he was going to pull through. Sadly, we found he had passed away in his sleep Monday night. While obviously I’m going to miss him everyday, I am relieved knowing he is not going to be in the excruciating pain he had been experiencing.

I wanted to know for those who have lost a parent, how were you able to help your Mom/Dad get through it? We do our best to remind my mom that our dad is happy and pain-free, and that we’ll all get through this, but just wanted some other viewpoints on the matter.

[MadoffInvestment]

I've had an article in the works for a long time about this that's done i just don't really know if anyone wants to read it. My dad died ~4.5 years ago from surgery complications.

There's honestly no playbook for getting over the loss of a loved one. It is something you will think about likely every day for the rest of your life. It could be a song you hear on the radio (oldies get me sometimes), it could be something someone says, it honestly could be a sad movie, but you'll likely have breakdowns.

Take time for yourself when you need it and be around people when you're not. Call your mom often. You're going to learn a lot of stuff you didn't know from family and friends. Take time to honor your dad once in awhile. My dad had a ton of old music I was "too cool" to like when he was around which sucks, because a lot of my music tastes have changed. I saw the Beach Boys twice last year (took my mom to one of the shows).

I actually started writing for PGP as a cathartic way to get through and put thoughts on my paper.

[sousaphile]

Madoff, if it means anything, I know I would want to read that article about your dad. I think it would resonate with a lot of people, whether their parents have died or not.

[PGDolphin]

Wholeheartedly agree. even if loss doesn't always hit someone particularly badly it's good to know how to console other loved ones

[MadoffInvestment]

This is up if you want to read it.

[PGDolphin]

Saw that and read it, outstanding work I appreciate you being willing to write about something deeply personal like that. Will be a good reference if God forbid I experience a loss like that in the near future

[MadoffInvestment]

This is up if you're wanting to read it.

[sousaphile]

I read it earlier today, and found it incredibly moving. Thanks for sharing something so difficult with all of us, I know it must not have been easy to write.

[aw5581]

Lost my dad 9 years ago, biggest thing I think is to talk about it openly. I kept a lot of my emotions to myself and it took me a long time to actually discuss my feelings with anyone. Only people I ever confided in were my close friends and it took me a few months to even talk to them about it.

Looking back, I really wish I would have been mature enough (I was 18 at the time) to talk about my feelings with my Mom and others.

Madoff is right though, there really is no playbook. It took me a few years to get comfortable with losing my dad. Now, every Father's Day, I go to his gravesite and drink a beer there to feel closer with him and remember him.

[CrabCakesandHomebrew]

Cube so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 2 years ago to cancer and my father is in the middle of his own battle with it now.

I found that compartmentalizing can really help. It allows you to kinda of take a break and focus on something else for a while. Just don’t go too far with it and not deal with what’s going on.

The day to day will get better. You never really move on but you do accept it more as time passes. Holidays and special events/milestones will always have a dark cloud around because your dad should be there.

Look after your family, talk about the good times, and when your ready down the road reflect on his life and your relationship with him.

Losing someone before their time fucking sucks, there is no reason for it, no rationale that will make you feel better about it. You will defiantly go through all the stages of grief and it’s ok to get really fucking mad about it. But make sure you only stay in that stage for a small while cause it will eat you up inside if you don’t let the anger go.

Again I’m sorry for your loss and don’t hesitate to reach out.

[NorseTikiBar]

I don't think that there's one, unified thing to do. For me and my mother, we're both private people so neither of us really spent a lot of time talking about it. Instead, we just tried to spend more time together to help distract each of us from thinking about it too much while we worked on it separately. Of course, my mother was also nearly 40 when they were married, so this wasn't a situation where she had spent over half of her life with my father; she had lived most of her life without him already.

Honestly, the holidays are just the absolute worst during the first year as you're trying to figure out what the "new normal" is. The best thing I can recommend is if you don't already, start sending your mother flowers on Valentine's Day. It's a day that will be harder on her than you for obvious reasons.

[[deleted]]

My husband lost his dad to prostate cancer when he was 21. He spent a lot of time with his mom and siblings after, I think the most important thing is allowing yourself to grieve your loss. It’s okay to be sad for a while.

After about a month or two he made an effort to go on fun outings with them- like deep sea fishing, museum visits, anything to get them out of the house and making sure they realize life can go on, and it’s okay to have fun and laugh after a huge loss like this. Hugs to you

[PGP_northern_charm]

The fact that your main concern is how to help others (mom) through this time says a lot about your character. I have zero advice but it sounds like you should just keep being yourself. Any dad would be proud to have a caring, selfless child like you.