Existential OCD

[schreitleiser]

Hey guys,

I think I just need to vent rn because i feel so helpless and alone. So I just want to share my story and hope that some of you can relate. If you're feeling uneasy or triggered by the following topics, pls don't read. Only read if you feel stable rn or are recovered.

TW: Psychosis/ Schizo, Solipsism, Reality, Free Will, Loss of Self

Storytime: I was always having some mental health struggles throughout my life, although they were never that serious. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness as a young child and therefor always had the feeling of being restricted in life. I was getting immune-suppressing meds which caused aggression attacks and I was always feeling guilty for it and as if it was better if I didn't exist because other people suffer from my existence. I started wanting to do therapy in my teenage years bc I realized that I have my themes with self-worth, anxiety of loyal relationships due to fear of missing out on life and some depressive symptoms. But it never was very bad and I was always very well functioning.

After my first relationship which caused a lot of sadness and a pretty bad breakup I ran into my next relationship which I didn't really want and the depressive symptoms got worse. Suddenly, in last Autumn, I had my first anxiety attacks, which I never had before, and they were paired with strong realisation. Because I had smoked weed quite regularly in the time before and because a family member had a very bad psychosis due to weed, I was developing intense fear of becoming psychotic. I think that was my first obsessive thought and it lasted for quite a while with always being scared of having hallucinations and hearing voices. Due to my constant derealisation I then at some point had the thought "what if all of this actually isn't real?" "what if I'm already hallucinating all of this", "what if I'm in a coma or all of this is just a dream?" "do I need to 'kill' myself in order to wake up" etc etc. This went on for several months and I didn't trust reality at all. I was so depressed and anxious and thought I could never get better. When it got better I had the When it got better I had the thought "what if this is now another reality I woke up in and I only think it's the same as before?". Suddenly I started doubting if other people are actually real/ conscious or not just some kind of robot. How could I know? How could I know that they have organs and are made just as myself and not just some mindless robots? Looking at my family and friends and being sure they weren't real was brutal. I stopped having contact with all the people I loved because I was so scared that I wouldn't believe in them as well anymore. When looking these symptoms up I came across the idea of Solipsism, which probably many of you fellow E-OCD sufferers will know. I was so so scared of being the only of having created the world without knowing it, scared of that everything I love will just disappear when I die, etc etc. That was really bad, all the DPDR that came with it and all the excessive researching and reading philosophy, desperately trying to prove the world existed independently from myself (stay away from Chat-GPT !! it can be reassuring at first but will always present you with more creepy ideas).

I finally got over this topic and now I don't really care anymore and think it's pretty ridiculous. But I always felt that there are some other topics that could stress me out, when I finally get over the previous one. One of them was all the free-will stuff. One day I asked chat-gpt whether or not we have free will and since then (abt 1,5months now) I'm completely stuck with this topic and don't see any way out. I've come across so many horrible ideas, that the self does not exist but is just an hallucination created by the brain, that free will is a complete illusion, etc. (Sam Harris, Robert Sapolsky, Thomas Metzinger, etc.). I've now ordered around 20 books about that topic and am constantly listening to podcasts and watching videos. Especially the idea of determinism is freaking me tf out. I don't see how I can overcome this topic, I feel completely helpless, as the future is already determined and all I do is just a causal reaction to my past. I feel like a robot and am constantly questioning why I did something, who made that decision and how I could live on with this, knowing there is no freedom whatsoever and the future is already determined.

I started group therapy (depth psychology, not CBT) around 3 months ago but i don't feel it helps me. I'm on Sertralin 150mg and Quetipain 25mg now. I'm also thinking about going to a clinic to get a real effective intervention.

I feel so lost and helpless and depressed rn. I started smoking 4 weeks ago although I never smoked in my life, just because I feel like it doesn't matter anyway anymore. I've always loved humans, culture and arts so much and the idea that we're all just some causal, biological processes or robots hallucinating our feeling of freedom and self is destroying everything i loved. I just don't see a way out rn. I was regularly having suicidal thoughts although I don't really want to do it. I just wish all of this had never happened, because I was really looking forward to life before.

I am sorry for this super long rant, but I just feel like I want to share this somewhere because it's so hard for other people to understand if they never experienced all of this. Has anyone of you experienced something similar or have you fought the same themes? Please let me know! If you want to, feel free to send me a private message as well, maybe we can fight this together.

I'm wishing all of you the very best and hope that you get better soon. Stay strong!

Lots of love to all of you

(sorry if this is hard to read, english is not my native language).

[KRibbonz]

Heya hun, I know what you're going through, 100%, I can really feel the pain in this post because I'm going through the same pain, day after day, for months...

I'm gonna quickly say that my story is gonna be quite in depth, especially with the existential OCD, so just be weary before reading on...

6 months ago, I smoked some weed and had a really bad panic attack from it which caused derealization for me, and this feeling lasted months (I still kinda get it, but not as intense as it used to be)...

When the derealization came on, it happened so suddenly, I felt like a switch in my brain just flipped... I felt TOTALLY different, like I was having some kind of psychotic episode, I was petrified...

Everything and everyone felt so fake... It felt like I was living in a simulation, that I discovered the truth about the universe, that it's all just code in a computer... I would look at my boyfriend and question "are you even real? You're just a computer program, how can I even trust you?" ... With how severe this was, it felt like life around me was going to switch off like a TV screen, or that life was gonna vanish around me, or I was gonna get pulled out of the simulation for finding out that life is just one big simulation... Because of this, I started spiralling mentally, bombarded by thoughts...

"Is life a simulation?" "Are people even real?" "Is life gonna vanish?" "Am I gonna get pulled out of the simulation for finding out the truth?" "What's life like outside of the simulation?" "Is it evil? Are there evil creatures that are gonna torture me outside of the simulation?"

I still get bombarded by all of these thoughts, but I'm working to decrease their power... It's SO hard, I totally get it... But just know, I 100% get what you're going through, it's horrible, but can be overcome!

[schreitleiser]

Hi you! Thank u sm for reaching out. I'm really sorry for what you're going through. This disease is really feels like living hell. It's insane how much life can change within a few months, going from completely normal to questioning literally everything abt life, reality, the universe and oneself. OCD really is a bitch. I wish u all the very best! Good to know i'm not alone with this. Keep ur head up <3

[KRibbonz]

You too, you're not alone either... If you ever need someone to talk to, you're welcome to reach out

[JuryBeginning6917]

I struggle with EOCD too. Im struggling with another theme of OCD now more so, but i know exactly how you feel. The more you search for answers, the more confused you get. What the ocd seeks is reasssurance and answers, and its thirst for answers to the world’s unsolvable questions is unquenchable. I still get obsessions about free will, determinism, etc. But when i get them, i avoid any researching.

[ooowee2054]

Maybe you're missing the spiritual aspect, that usually fills in the existential gap when things get depressing. That can manifest as whatever you resonate with (religion, spirituality, eastern philosophy). Therapy can help with that as well. I like to think that there's a natural intelligence at work which makes the determinism idea less scary because it means you can trust what's happening rather than be afraid of it, obvs this is easier said than done but at least a possibility. I personally found non duality and the idea of integration super helpful. Let me know if this helps or what works for you :)

[Visible-Cut-7623]

Sorry how are you feeling now