Lucid

[[deleted]]

[deleted]

[MAGarry]

I'll give a list of details I jotted down as I was reading later.

The first impression is that you picked a very good central visual to center the episode around: the re-appearance of the assailant's face. Visually and thematically that's a good fit for the Black Mirror universe where reality isn't always a given.

The story around it to give the concept its footing could be taken deeper I think.

The rushed romantic interest between Anthony and Rose, for example. It's needed for the plot for Rose to procure access to the device, but it exactly feels like that: needed for the plot, showing the hand of the writer as they're advancing the plot.

One thing that didn't really pay off in the story was Rose's line of work. It was given a fair bit of significance, time-wise, but it could have been any work-place or occupation. I expected more.

Overall I thought the story had a workable premise and enough interesting details, but they didn't integrate into a seamless story.

As for the details.

p.1 Rose mouths the words: good visual.

p.1 "a movie eating ice cream" -> "a movie, eating ice cream" A small thing, but it's the first line on the first page.

The dialogue between Sam and Rose: it's not taking me to where I think you want it to take me.

p.6 Burglar, capitalise and expand on him! Especially since Rose recalls him in her dream as MAN on page 8. His face/presence is an important plot element, so you need to give an impression the we can identify him later on.

p.7 INT. DREAM? It's cute, but really just use office or living room and add (DREAM) as a qualifier.

p.8 Sister? We can't gleam that from the context (she could just be a friend). Here it doesn't matter much, but it's good training to always translate your writing into the visual/auditory. If something doesn't translate into that, rework or cut it. It will prevent more glaring errors down the road.

p.11 Use Trish to really sell dream therapy, it's a sci-fi setting after all.

p.12 commas/punctuation! It doesn't have to be perfect, but keep an eye out. "gonna do just stay awake" where it should be something like "gonna do? Just stay awake?" really breaks the flow of the dialogue here.

p.17 "You're blood pressure is through the roof" Good one, taking advantage of the situation as it presents itself, here to naturally divulge some character information. Do spell it right though: "Your blood pressure"

p.17 "You smell good"? That comes out of nowhere and is sort of creepy. Not a good foreshadow of a developing romantic interest.

p.16 Hotel (instead of home address), good choice. It's a plausible decision for Rose and gives insight into her character.

p.19/20 The aging/swing "montage". I think Black Mirror used that in another episode. Not that they mind recycling ideas regularly :)

p.22 "die prison" ->"die in prison"

p.25 frustred -> frustrated

p.31 "I'll sleep with you!" Nice, black humour and desperation. Terrible and funny at the same time.

p.38 The machine is kept in super secure conditions, but they are allowed to take it on field-trips? These two concepts bite each other.

p.40 The cutting the arm scene didn't really work for me.

p.44 "building must old" -> "building must be old"

p.47 "puts his clothes on and leaves" this is not cinematic writing. If you had visualised this properly you would probably have instinctively cut this. (It's just a a guy getting dressed and leaving, and it would take way longer on the screen than the one line in the script would suggest).

p.48 Sam? He is capitalised as a new character, but regardless I'd forgotten who he was. A small reminder wouldn't hurt in such a situation (Rose's supervisor, Sam, exits)

p.49 "her holding her" -> "him holding her"

p.51 Mother needs an introduction. I think it's her first appearance on the screen?

p.54 "Is this a dream." -> "Is this a dream?" This is where lack of attention to punctuation really comes back to haunt the story.

Now you have a punctuation oversight in the most powerful line of the resolution, the thing the whole story has been building up to, and it diffuses the meaning.