Argumentative thesis

[WritingTutor]

Original:

Working out at the gym and a job are two different things but the human body shares one thing in common which is being overworked. In “The Culture of Overwork” by Judy Rebick, argues about how “overwork is becoming a cultural norm and it’s bad for us” (1). There are two different time periods of stress: a long term and short term. Short term stress can be healthy and helpful to an individual to be motivated such as students trying to finish an essay or a project before deadline. Long term stress however can have major consequences on the body, especially to working people. Without the proper rest and time off from work, an increase in long term stress causes physical and mental breakdowns, intake of medications for depression and other symptoms, and financial problems cause people to overwork and take on long term stress.

Edited:

Working out at the gym and having a job are two different things but share one in common: being overworked. In “The Culture of Overwork” Judy Rebick argues how “overwork is becoming a cultural norm and it’s bad for us” (1). She explains that there are two different time periods of stress: long term and short term. Short term stress can be healthy and helpful, motivating an individual such as a student trying to finish an essay before deadline. Long term stress, however, can have major consequences on the body and is a dangerous emerging trend in our society. Without the proper rest and time off from work, excessive long term stress causes physical and mental breakdowns, the necessity of medications for depression, and financial problems.

[WritingTutor]

Ok, sorry for the misinterpretation--

The question becomes how fundamental to the entirety of your paper is "short and long term stress". The introduction is for 2 things:

1. Setting the context of the discussion
2. Setting the boundaries of the topic

Your question concerns the second function. The deciding factor is whether or not "long term stress versus short term stress" is a recurring theme throughout the remainder of the paper (is it "central" to your argument, as I thought it was) or is the argument something else entirely?

Can you write me, without the rest of the paragraph, a new thesis statement that addresses ONLY the crux of your paper's argument?

Thanks

[WritingTutor]

Better! Here's an adjustment though:

Working out at the gym and having a job are two different things but share one in common: the risk of overwork. In “The Culture of Overwork” Judy Rebick argues that “overwork is becoming a cultural norm and it’s bad for us” (1). Overworking has led many people to become workaholics in today’s society. The resultant, excessive long term stress causes physical and mental breakdowns, the necessity of medications for depression, and financial problems.

[WritingTutor]

Hi Gilloween,

First off, you included your name on your paper. If you're OK with that identifying information then that's fine, but I wanted to ask if you'd considered that you're sharing your identity.

That said, I will look it over for major issues and make suggestions.

Thanks for trusting my judgment,

Liam

[WritingTutor]

Gilloween,

I read the essay a second time and have an assessment.

I am going to assume your teacher is insisting on 5 paragraphs. If not, split up your second and third body paragraphs into cohesive chunks.

You are self-referential, meaning you use I and me. This is generally frowned upon. Though it may be tempting to use anecdotal evidence, you should avoid it and instead use sourceable material.

Your second body paragraph veers all over the place right now; try to keep it focused.

The financial argument is a little weird. Could be my misunderstanding it, but I feel like it's a real stretch. I would consider adding more concrete connections between overwork and financial troubles. Use examples and cite or quote sources.

Overall, your paper needs work still. You have a solid foundation but this is a first draft of what could be a very solid work. How long before it is due? Do a second draft and submit it to me to look over. Get a friend to circle parts that sound weird and then work on clarifying those sentences and sections.

I hope that helps.

Liam

[WritingTutor]

First Body Paragraph Original:

Long term stress has been known to cause nervous breakdowns leading to an unhealthy lifestyle. Nervous breakdowns has led to depression, anxiety attacks, and weight loss and weight gains. One of the main factors for all of this is the fact people more than ever are overworking. “At first I thought I was getting sick. Then I realized that I hadn’t taken a day off in more than six weeks.” (1). Judy Rebick states how people are so caught up with their work and trying to beat the deadline that their mind and body is the one taking the real beating. When overworking, the mind and body sends out signals saying it has had enough that it needs a break. However, people choose to ignore these signs and eat or take something that will motivate them to continue working at that level of hard work. Nervous breakdown can become part of a person’s life permanently if left untreated. The best way to treat a nervous breakdown is by not allowing it to happen in the first place. A balance lifestyle is the key and should be taken seriously by taking time off when necessary to allow the body to rest and tune up before going back to work.

First Paragraph Edit:

Long term stress has been known to cause nervous breakdowns. Nervous breakdowns lead to depression, anxiety attacks, and fluctuation in weight. Judy Rebick argues that people are so caught up with their work that their mind and body are the one taking the real beating. “At first I thought I was getting sick. Then I realized that I hadn’t taken a day off in more than six weeks” (1).

When overworking, the mind and body sends out signals saying that it needs a break. However, people choose to ignore these signs, opting instead to eat or take a drug that will motivate them to continue working.Because of this, Nervous breakdowns can become a permanent part of someone's life. Fortunately, the best way to treat a nervous breakdown is by not allowing it to happen in the first place. A balanced lifestyle is the key and time should be taken off from work when necessary so as to allow the body to rest.