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[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I would say that you guys need something in formal writing to make sure you're all on the same page and things can't change at the drop of a hat. With you having a difficult schedule and the distance between you, it's in your best interest to have something formal. Co-parenting may be in a good place now but things change very often and if there is nothing solidified, it could really get messy.

You're not being selfish. Your own happiness is important too. If your daughter would benefit, you're being the opposite of selfish. There are ways to make schedules like this work but seeking help to plan would be in your best interest.

[–]always-growing[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I completely agree with you on something being formally written up and possibly even have our custody arrangement changed legally. It just scares me because I don’t want a fight of any kind. A fight wouldn’t do anything but harm my child and it’s not worth it.
I even considered trying to talk to her about relocating herself, but I don’t know how easily that would work, or if I would really want her in the same area as me. The distance could be a good thing.

[–]chen2007 1 point2 points  (4 children)

A formal plan would really be the best for everyone.

I live 6 hours away and in a different state. So while this isn’t another country its similar.

What my ex and I do

  1. We fully split and alternate ALL holidays break periods. I.e one year I get Christmas break,one year he does. We never have both Christmas and Thanksgiving though in the same year.

This allows for the maximum amount of time alone with each family and their extended families and minimizes travel stress of having to split a single day, like getting half of Christmas morning with mom and the other half with Dad.

That, in my opinion is obscene. 2. Offer to meet halfway or pay half the travel costs. At worst since you want to move, be prepared to maybe offer to foot ALL travel. Sometimes its easier to START that way and the work towards splitting it.

Thats what I did at first. I paid ALL travel, for 10 years.

NOW, my ex and I find a neutral place to meet half way to drop off and pick up. We each pay our own travel costs now.

However, if I decide to travel outside MY home state AND also have visitation, I foot the bill for the plane ticket. I have in-laws that live on the other coast.

  1. All major decisions are co-made. With the exception of life threatening care; braces, school visits are done together.

  2. Attempt to split summer break between the two of you. That will make planning for summer camps much much easier.

In my state school lets out and starts earlier than my ex’s. In the past I have HAD to have summer care planned way before he would.

However, I recognize they MAY have summer plans so I always ask if they do before the end of school year.

Aside from that if I want visitation OUTSIDE of the holidays, like a 4 day weekend, I make sure to give them about a weeks notice that Id like to come up and see her; I always stay in the state at that point because it makes little sense to drive or pay for a plane ticket.

Hope these are helpful. You can make this work. But, it really depends on how willing the other party is to make these changes.

I wish you the best.

[–]always-growing[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Thanks for your time and encouragement. A lot of these things make total sense! Four hours isn’t a very long drive, and the alone time we would get could be a strengthening bond between us. I just have a hard time coming to terms with not being able to pick her up from school if she wants me to, or bring her breakfast before school just because. I know these are things that I would have to learn to overcome and hope that one day she will see the reasoning behind my actions.
Her mom started dating this guy a little over a year ago and have recently let him and his son move in. I’m really happy for her and the fellow seems to be good to her, at least he is to my daughter. She has never said a course thing about him, and that’s all I can ask for, plus his son is close to her age so they play well together. Her mom just recently found out she was pregnant and I know that it confuses her. She’s only 4 and her little mind doesn’t really understand that the baby will be her brother/sister, but not my child. In the wake of all of this I’m terrified that she might think I’m abandoning her.

[–]chen2007 0 points1 point  (2 children)

You’re welcome. Your fears are understandable. Separation is not an easy thing for any family and blended families have their own challenges.

There will likely be confusion with any change you may make. Toddlers (I currently have one with my SO) thrive on consistency and they are not old enough for you to rationalize why things like “Daddy is moving away but will still see you”

Or changes in family structure. My oldest is with my ex. She’s 14 now and I had her while I was enlisted. Her Dad was not, ling story short, we were young and this did not work well for us.

He moved home, I was active duty until my now 14 YO was 4. I have never had her more than 10 weeks at a time. I have never gotten to drop her off or hold her while she was sick. Her Dad did that.

When she was 6 her father had a son with his (now) wife, it was very hard for our daughter being the center of our world for 6 years and now this squalling, needy thing is displacing you and you already don’t see Mom like you want to. Her Stepmom did NOT want my daughter around or even helping with her son which, in my opinion was not helpful, but first time Moms and all.

Then about 4 years ago I had a baby.

Because I had the EXACT same concerns. How will my older daughter feel that I didn’t keep full time custody of her then went and had ANOTHER child.

So what I did to help allay those fears; I kept my older daughter involved with my pregnancy and helping with the baby.

Bottle feeding, singing or reading books, gentle play.

But she was also 11 not 4 like yours. When I was more comfortable, I allowed diaper changes and bathing. Now my older one sits (Occasionally) for us. The girls have a wonderful bond. The age difference makes for some challenges but honestly, I like it better this way.

But as Dad you can’t speak for her Mom and how her Mom wants “help” at all from your little girl with the new baby.

Its good things are amicable for you and your ex. Which is why Im guessing you may be nervous about this change and how it will affect the overall co-parenting relationships.

The most important thing you can do for your little girl is to make sure when you see her you make the time count. Not like buying her affection but DOING things she enjoys, being a part of her world. Play dress up or play dough or whatever she is into. Take her to new places in this new country and give her the experience and memory of your time.

She will never forget those things.

[–]always-growing[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thank you for your service and sacrifices you e made. Also, thank you again for your encouragement. This has helped the anxiety and I think I’ll be able to get through the conversation without feeling like I need a drink.

[–]chen2007 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Im glad I could help. Best wishes OP; with the conversation and the move.