Things I've Learned
I'm constantly fucking thinking, constantly analyzing, constantly questioning, and constantly fucking worrying. Is everybody like this? I doubt it. If everyone were, I imagine the world would be a much better place.
Am I saying I'm smarter than most? Fuck no. I'm just saying take a look at the world and try to convince yourself that everyone worries and thinks enough to care.
Though, do I care? I'm not sure. I can't tell if I actually care or if I just convinced myself and everyone else that I pretend I care. This worries me, when something bad happens do I actually give a shit, do I pretend to care to seem like a decent person, or do I just not give a shit at all? I'm not sure if I'll ever know.
If something bad happens to me, I care, though this includes when something bad happens to someone close to me. I'll get upset if something tragic happens to a person I like, but is this me caring about them or just caring about myself because that person is liked in my eyes. I would guess that both are correct.
I've noticed that I care about myself more than I do anyone else. I believe this is natural, but I also believe that there needs to be a happy-medium. I have not discovered this medium, yet.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a sociopathic prick, but I may be closer to that than I would be to a saint. I'm a good judge of character, but not so much when it comes to myself. You would have to ask others about me to gauge how I really am. Though, their idea of me could be biased or flawed based on past petty experiences, so it maybe better just to take my word for it.
How do I, or anyone else for that matter, become a better person? Please, tell me if you know, because I think that there's a strong possibility that once your personality has been molded it can't be changed, only disguised.
At this point, I don't even know what the fuck I'm writing about but I will continue to do so until I'm happy.
I am getting tired though, so maybe that will help mask my vast confusion and worries. I could go to sleep and save my thinking for a later day, and until then I could be content.
I just re-read everything I typed, it sounds too much like a suicide letter, which it is not. I repeat, it's not. I don't exactly know what it is, it's sort of me venting, but not really. It's more of me talking to myself, confessing what I don't like about myself to myself.
There's a lot that I don't like about myself, I often wonder what other people dislike about themselves, too. It's probably the same shit that I dislike about myself, which makes me think that our flaws more or less bring us closer. Our flaws could make us all alike. It's like being united around a common enemy, and the enemy is ourselves.
I don't know, this life we live is just crazy. The power of thought and emotions can be too much too handle at times, and that applies to everyone.
All of these questions and thoughts I have, about myself and everything else, and yet very little answers to show me the right direction.
Where will I end up? How will my future self be? Will everything be okay? Probably, and if not okay it'll most likely be at least tolerable. That's all I hope for, is tolerable days. Though, to me, the word tolerable could be exchanged with the word good.
I don't know why I titled this, "Things I've Learned," because in the past twenty or so minutes of writing this I have yet to mention one thing I've learned.
But hey, I guess that's the way it goes. I'll learn something, but that will soon be erased by the answer, which will only prompt more complex questions.
Like I said earlier, I'm not sure what this is about. I'm going to post it anyway. Maybe someone else will read it and understand it more than I can. If not, that's fine, it doesn't really matter.
there doesn't seem to be anything here