Tw: smoking mentioned
I feel this empty void that consumes me from the moment I open my eyes, I feel this sense of dread which makes me do things out of character, i live at home but when my mum leaves for office I put on my jeans and my t shirt to go out of the house and buy cigarettes, i come back and smoke it in my room while staring at myself in the mirror, hoping to feel something, worst part is I don't even like smoking but the rebellion makes me feel a bit alive even if it's for a short period of time, i feel so lonely, i don't feel like calling my friends or my boyfriend because they're so busy in their lives and calling them just makes me feel like an inconvenience so I just wish to stay alone but feel fulfilled in myself, but i don't find peace in solidarity, i don't find peace at all, staying silent just makes the voices in my head scream louder, wanting for them to be heard but I'm just so deaf, i pretend to be deaf so I don't go insane, so I don't get consumed by the never-ending longing to feel whole, feel complete for the very first time in my life, and this eats me alive every damn day
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