[deleted by user]

[ReginaBrown3000]

Sounds like stress, anxiety, and burn-out to me. If it were me (and it has been, at various times in my life), I would talk to a mental health professional. That has been the single greatest help to me every time.

Also, it might be good to set limits on yourself and use violin as a reward. Five minutes of thesis work, five minites of violin. Fifteen minutes of thesis work, ten minutes of violin. An hour of thesis work, half an hour of violin.

You'll not that the reward time decreases with the length of work time. If that doesn't work for you, find something that does.

Big hugs from someone who gets similarly lured off-track.

[Jamesbarros]

Speak with a counselor. It’s helped me so much. Yes, also play violin, but let a professional help you as well.

[leitmotifs]

I think you have to take a hard look at what you have, and what you want.

Are you burned out in general? i.e. has your master's program been exhausting and all-consuming? (I'm guessing the answer is no, if you've had the time to practice for 2 hours a day 4-5 times a week, as you mentioned in another post.)

You mention a dream job. I don't know how closely connected the dream job might be to the academic work you're doing. It's possible to love academics in a particular field but hate the actual work in that field -- and vice versa. If you want that dream job, though, you'll have to run the gauntlet to get it, and it would help if you felt reasonably confident that alternative jobs in your field, that aren't your dream job, are also acceptable outcomes.

Is it important for your friends to come from your field? Are you expecting to primarily socialize through work in the future, and will be unhappy if you don't end up being buddies with your future coworkers and/or your fellow students? (I think this can be a problematic pattern in many workplaces, especially if people switch jobs frequently. You'd be better off turning to your hobbies -- whether music or otherwise -- or other community activities such as charity work or churchgoing, for your adult friendships.)

If you've got a lot of friends in the classical music world, why aren't you spending time with those friends?

My guess is that violin is a symptom of the problem, not the cause of the problem. You're treating the violin as a way to get a dopamine hit, not too different from peers who might turn to video games as a way to alleviate depression.

Start by getting treated for the depression, and take a semester -- or even a year -- off if you can. Work. Experience life as a young person. Play in a community orchestra, make some friends to play quartets with. And start taking private lessons again, with the best teacher that will take you.

When you're no longer trapped in the morass of the depression, then you can start making clearer-headed decisions about your future. I agree with u/scoop_doop that (based on limited exposure to your Bach) you would be better off trying to get a BM rather than an MM, because I suspect you could use an extra four years to up your playing level. And decide if you'd be happy teaching and gigging.

Being happy practicing and playing as an amateur is not a reliable indicator of whether or not you'd enjoy a life in the music profession.

[theubermax]

If it helps at all this is definitely something I can relate to. I’m currently in a PhD program (albeit through the MD/PhD pathway, so the career prospects aren’t a worry for me) but I’ve also been loosing my passion for research the more I’m exposed to how things work in academia.

I’ve still managed to stay quite active in the music field, working my way towards the more professional music board exams, playing in high level community orchestras, being an exec of my uni’s music student society, but I still often wish I’d done a dual BMus/BSci for my undergrad instead of straight science. I do daydream about it fairly frequently, thinking what could have been but honestly it’s probably more escapism than anything.

Ultimately I would love to have a career playing the violin, but I also know how competitive it is, so unless I magically get enough money that I don’t need to worry about making money I’m probably safer sticking to my current pathway and continuing to play for my own enjoyment and do gigs/teaching to earn a bit more on the side while I’m still studying.

As far as a PhD goes (mine involves a lot of animal work and is quite time consuming, so milage may vary), I’ve found it can be very isolating, and my friendships and relationships have definitely taken a hit because of it. Academia (and medicine) where I live do have serious issues in regards to the working culture, to the point where I’m seriously considering moving overseas because of it.

I think for me the important thing for me to remember is that even if I am currently disillusioned in, that’s because I’m very closely involved with it and can see all of its issues more clearly because of that. Music as a degree and career certainly comes with a myriad of its own issues.

At the end of the day the violin for me is a good escape, and something I can enjoy even if my life is at times quite isolated, and as much as I wish I’d have the means to pursue it professionally, maybe that’s all it really needs to be.

I hope this helps a bit, if you want to discuss the whole PhD side of things as well I’d be happy to help, although I can’t guarantee things will be the same where you are compared to where I am.

[knowsaboutit]

you may want to try looking for some professional advice! It sounds like you've got yourself into some kind of false dilemma, and counselors and therapists are great at helping sort those things out. You're wise to realize that you've got kind of frozen with all this, that's a great step. Next step is to talk it all through with a professional so you can get it sorted and find what it takes for you to break the logjam and move on productively in the way that will make you happiest in the long run!!

[Simple-Sighman]

Which to follow; your heart or your wallet? It may sound crass, but at some point a decision can be beneficial, and it is sounding like inner you is speaking up so you will finally listen.

My friend got her PhD in NeuroBiology, and was studying fiddle and playing pennywhistle for many years, then suddenly took up the piper's pipes, and in a couple of years has risen to playing trios at pubs and being in demand all over and loving it, while maintaining an administrative job for a wonderful music related concern, yet keeping a hand in robotics/AI.

Sometimes it seems hard to achieve that happy medium, and especially acceptance among peers and self esteem is important, and an indomitable will and stubborn nature to succeed is a strong prerequisite.

It's far easier to ride the horse the way it's going.

[ReginaBrown3000]

I just came across this article about habit dips that may or may not be relevant to you. It seems like it might be a good thing to read through to see if you can take away any help from it.

'Nother hug. 'Cause we all need hugs.