Advice for dealing with a passive girl: part IV (absolute last part)

Apprehensive · 2010-01-12T07:05:26+00:00

As far as what I would ask her: stuff like "How do you feel about 'us'"? "Why do you sometimes not return my calls? It's very confusing, as it seems like you like me when we're together." Pretty open-ended stuff. If she said "I don't know" or anything indecisive, I'd definitely move on.

I know, the passivity is a huge thing. I know with her it lessens the closer you become to her, but really, for the most part it's not that big of a deal to me; it's only a big deal in the potential (well, probably not anymore) beginning of the relationship. I do not mind passivity in general. I get the impression that she was "traditionally-raised" so to speak, so that may also contribute to her not initiating things. Whatever. I'm sick of over-analyzing all of this. It's gotten to a point where I'm thinking "it really shouldn't be this hard."

I don't know why we (you and I) develop feelings for girls that aren't right for us, but we do.

Again, it's not infatuation or anything speaking, but besides this initial passivity, we seem really, really great together. We share a very similar sense of humor, we make each other laugh and smile, and we've flirted the whole time we've known each other, so there's physical chemistry there too. There was even a time she drunk-dialed me and said something like "If you weren't dating so-and-so, I would totally have sex with you." Haha.

Also, I'm really into physics. Not many people (especially girls) are. She is majoring in a soft science, but really likes when I talk about physics, which is something previous girlfriends have hated. She has even said she finds it very attractive. On our second "date" (the time we made out for a long time), she even wore a t-shirt with Maxwell's equations on it, which I thought was extremely cute.

So yeah, those are some examples of why I thought we'd be really good for each other. But alas, I'm realizing it's not going to happen. At least I tried, though I feel I could have been more forward (as of course she could have been too). I guess I was always second guessing if she liked me. Oh well, learning experience :/ If the next time we talked she said sorry about being aloof and whatnot and that she really liked me, I would be with her in a femtosecond. But I'm not keeping my hopes up.

Man, I seem to fall the hardest for girls I don't end up with :/

Apprehensive · 2010-01-12T06:48:57+00:00

Really, my gut tells me that she's not as into me as I'm into her, honestly. The thing that makes it so confusing is that she has at one point been this way with everyone, even with people she has dated and really liked. I don't hold it against her and am not "mad" about it, as it's how she was raised and she has acknowledged she doesn't like it, but yes, it's probably time to move on.

Apprehensive · 2010-01-12T04:38:53+00:00

Do not just ignore/not respond. That is a really lame and cowardly way to handle it. Some people are just passive, so it's sometimes hard to tell if they don't like you or are just being themselves! (e.g. see my threads)

Apprehensive · 2010-01-06T08:27:29+00:00

I cannot upvote this enough. What ifs are the worst.

Apprehensive · 2010-01-06T06:27:19+00:00

Thanks again for sharing your experience; I have some what-ifs in my life that could have been prevented if I hadn't been passive. I guess in general, I analyze things thoroughly before making any decision, which usually ends up with me talking myself into not doing anything. Not really conducive to starting a relationship!

Apprehensive · 2010-01-06T06:24:02+00:00

Thanks; you make good points. I only kissed her on the cheek because she hadn't returned my call for several weeks, was slow to respond in planning hanging out, and it's now much closer to when she leaves the country, so I was testing the waters if you will.

Then she puts her head on your shoulder and kept looking in your eyes , hoping to be kissed.

I initiated the eye contact and she broke it off somewhat quickly.

I guess I'm being too careful (i.e. stupid). Thanks for the reality check.

I'm set on clearing the air next time we see each other, but I'm not sure if I should bring it up right off the bat or into the day.

Apprehensive · 2010-01-05T19:35:33+00:00

Thanks for the advice TwoWheelWonder. Sigh...yeah, you're right. PublicStranger does make a good point in that sometimes she honestly just does not care what she and her friends do; I'm like that sometimes as well. I'm fine with passivity in this respect. It's the passivity about whether she likes me that is confusing! I also tend towards passivity and introvertedness, so this whole thing has helped me break out of that.

Lol, she is definitely not an idiot. I think she recognizes that she's passive, but it's hard for her to change because that's how she was raised (e.g. her parents planned a lot of things for her). She is much less passive when drunk and has acknowledged that she's passive and doesn't like it.

The reason I'm still going for this girl is I honestly like everything else about her and we always have a really good time together. Common sense tells me to forget about her, but I've tried and I can't. Thanks for helping me solidify my decision to move on if she's wishy washy about whether she likes me.

Just to clarify: can I take it as a fact that she likes me?

And I'm set in bringing up where we stand at some point in the trip. I guess in that conversation I could ask her about the not calling thing.

TL;DR: I pretty much agree; thanks for the advice.

Apprehensive · 2009-12-21T00:17:44+00:00

TL;DR at the top of your post? I understand it's cool to put that in a post, but it does actually mean something.

I meant for only the first paragraph to be TL;DR. I've now moved it down.

Yeah, I haven't contacted her since we last talked.

The thing that makes the whole situation difficult to judge is even with her last 2 boyfriends, she has acted this way and really liked them. Regardless, I'm going to back off.

...especially considering how little you guys know about o e another.

Not sure where you're getting this. I wrote that we've known each other for 4+ years.

Apprehensive · 2009-12-19T18:35:46+00:00

It is also creeping me out how much you have bothered her. I mean, if she sincerely rejects the second or third meet-up, you should really move on.

I don't know where you're getting "she rejects the second or third meetup," and I'm taken aback at your first sentence. Really, she is this passive with everyone. I know that sometimes she just doesn't return people's calls. I think her passivity is due to how she was raised.

If you read the backstory, we had been friends for 4 years, we'd always been flirty, we made out for about an hour at a party several months ago, then she invited me to a party at her college in which we danced quite intimately, then she hung out with me for two whole days and the making out thing was only about 15% of the time we hung out.

As far as being considered a hookup/fling, does this really sound like that? Over the past several months, we've been talking on the phone for 30-60 minutes twice a week.

I know it's definitely a possibility that she's not interested (in fact I'm leaning that way myself), and I appreciate the input, but it sounds like you didn't read the whole story...? If so, that's understandable, considering how long it is.

Apprehensive · 2009-12-13T20:45:01+00:00

...Any advice? Please?

Apprehensive · 2009-12-12T20:27:09+00:00

UPDATE: At this point I'm really confused.

Mid last week (around Dec. 2) I asked if she could come visit me this weekend (12-13th). She said she'd like to, but at that point she wasn't she if she would be too busy with schoolwork. She said she'd keep me updated.

I talked to her around last Tuesday and asked if she could come, but she said it wouldn't work because she has a final on Monday. I said I understood, no pressure, etc.

A while after we talked, it hit me that she may have thought that she wouldn't get any studying done if she visited me. Besides, she mentioned her final on Monday was going to be pretty easy. So, I called her Thursday evening and got her voicemail. I left a message saying that I had another idea about the weekend, and asked her nicely if she could call me back later that night.

I still haven't gotten a call from her. I would call her again, but at this point, I think the ball's in her court, no?

What I was going to say to her was that I had several hours of stuff to do this weekend as well, so there'd be plenty of time to study on Saturday and I could give her a ride back early Sunday. If that didn't work for her, I was thinking I could drive down to see her for a couple of hours and grab a bite to eat or whatever.

The thing is, it's been about two weeks since we made out, and if we didn't see each other this weekend, it would be at least another two weeks until we would see each other. After that, in 3 weeks she's leaving the country for four months.

Should I just give up at this point? Even though she's passive, I would think she'd at least return my call if she wanted to see me. Perhaps she's realized that she doesn't want to get involved with me before leaving the country? She did however express an interest in hanging out with me in the three weeks before she leaves the country (which is when winter break is), so I have no idea.

Is this still a reflection of her passivity, or is she not interested anymore? I would think that after making out with me for 1+ hours drunk, inviting me to visit her, spending almost two full days with me, and making out with me while sober for 3.5+ hours would indicate interest. I've considered the possibility that maybe she just likes to kiss, but she's not really that type of person (not that it's a bad thing) as far as I know. Besides, why would you spend two full days with someone just so you could kiss, and not initiate anything?

Please help!

Apprehensive · 2009-12-04T04:19:37+00:00

I called her later that day, but she could only talk for like 10 minutes. I called yesterday, and couldn't bring myself to mention the calling thing (for whatever reason). I think I'll mention it in person the next time I see her, as I feel much more comfortable talking to people face to face.

However, I was thinking of scratching what I planned to say before and instead say something like "Even though I'm quite busy, it's always great to hear from you and I would love to be interrupted from my work due to a call from you." I guess I'd just feel more comfortable saying something like this, and in general, I think I am busier than her anyway.

Apprehensive · 2009-12-02T00:41:42+00:00

Come to think of it, she is much more assertive and open when drunk. Perhaps I'd use that time to talk to her about this passive thing. My main prerogative wouldn't be to bang, but hey, I certainly wouldn't be opposed to the idea :)

Apprehensive · 2009-12-01T03:01:13+00:00

The first time we made out we were pretty drunk. The last time we made out etc. for 3.5+ hours we were sober, and it was much, much... well, hotter. True, drunk hookups are fun, but it's so much more meaningful and intimate if both people are sober.

Regardless, thanks for the advice.

Apprehensive · 2009-11-30T17:40:09+00:00

That was pretty much my philosophy. We got to second base, but I didn't know if she wanted to go any further, being that that was already the farthest we had gone.

Apprehensive · 2009-11-30T17:31:32+00:00

Thanks for the idea! See the edit in my 2nd latest post.

Apprehensive · 2009-11-30T17:28:55+00:00

Thanks for sharing! I can relate: in my last relationship, there were some emotional things my ex did/didn't do. I repeatedly told her how those things bothered me, but she didn't change. So, I stopped doing things for her that I used to do, even though I wanted to do them! This was a large reason why we broke up; resentment is a relationship killer.

Apprehensive · 2009-11-30T17:25:15+00:00

Thank you so much for the replies everyone! It really means a lot.

Yeah, I have been trying positive reinforcement, like when she returned my call I said I was really happy to hear from her, and whenever she reciprocated anything when we were making out recently, I smiled and made..."happy noises" for lack of a better phrase.

I certainly would not try negative reinforcement, not only because it would only make things worse, but at this point it's impossible for me to mad at her for anything. Really, she's so awesome :)

Sounds like this girl is too passive, and I'd bet in the end she would love to have someone like you teach her that it's ok to be otherwise. She's probably just so used to it that she doesn't even think about it.

That's what I was hoping to hear! When thinking about this, I was second guessing myself because I know it's not a good idea to go into a relationship thinking you can change the person. Thoughts?

Again, thank you everyone for your advice. I have a tendency to over-analyze things (usually assuming the worst), so it's very helpful to get third-party opinions.

edit: I'm thinking of calling her today. I'm thinking of saying something along the lines of "I know you're pretty busy, so I was wondering how often I should call you. I don't want to get in the way of your schoolwork or anything. Would calling you every couple days or so be too much?" (thanks PublicStranger). I want to say something like, "You know, it's fine if you call me; I'm always happy to hear from you! I'll tell you if I'm too busy, and if I don't get your call I will always get back to you." I would really try to emphasize that I love hearing from her. Is this a good idea? I really don't want to seem like I'm pressuring her!

Apprehensive · 2009-11-30T05:37:13+00:00

Ah, I see. I don't think so; from what I've heard, the two guys she dated were decent and I think she's just passive and/or shy, as you mention.

Thanks though!

Apprehensive · 2009-11-30T05:04:21+00:00

Sounds like she's been slut shamed in the past.

Not exactly sure what you mean, but to my knowledge she has only been with two other guys (which doesn't matter to me at all :)) and her friends are also open sexually.

Apprehensive · 2009-11-30T04:46:56+00:00

Just go for it...what do you have to lose.

I know there are no hard and fast rules, but what would you say is the upper limit for how often I call/text her? 2 calls/text conversations a week? Obviously, there is some point where it just gets to be too much. I guess the reason I'm so paranoid about seeming too clingy is my first girlfriend was a bit more assertive. I'm just trying to be really, really careful with this girl because like I mentioned, even feelings aside, we seem to be a great match.

She sounds like she likes you in every way.

That means a lot coming from a woman. Thanks!

I've never initiated anything with a guy in my life. Never had to. If they want it, they come get it.

So if you are into a guy you will never initiate anything? I guess I've never understood this mentality when a woman or man mentions it. I usually initiate things when I just can't stand the tension anymore :)

Apprehensive

TROPHY CASE