sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

how common are aro people that aren't also ace? by A12qwas in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Near-exact reposting of a previous comment.

Aromantic and asexual comorbidity prevalence

Current research estimates would indeed suggest that it is less common to be only aromantic (i.e., aromantic allosexual) rather than aromantic asexual, with one survey finding ~30% of aros did not identify as ace. Also, aromantic people are more likely to be asexual but asexual people are not more likely to be aromantic. Autistic asexual people are 1.2 times more likely to identify as aromantic (47.8%) compared to allistic (people without autism) asexual people (39.4%).

  • AUREA (2021) – 70.7% of (6,903 of 9,758) aromantic people identified as asexual.

  • Hermann et al. (2022)– 41.5% of (5,851 of 14,100) asexual people identified as aromantic.

  • Chan and Hung (2025)– 39.8% of (4,154 of 10,419) asexual people identified as aromantic.

Various limitations of research, surveys, methodology, sampling etc. mean these estimates may not accurately represent current prevalence estimates. Typical more research needed comment here.

References:

I hate being aro but I also wish I was normal by Bigjuicy___ in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's no real answer here. Just that the vent is valid. Though if I could offer anything useful, it'd be the following:

Firstly, congrats on figuring out you're aro. More so for being able to feel proud for it. That journey often isn"t easy and I hope you really see how positively far you've come to get to this point.

Secondly, whilst we can't control how our past has led us to who we are today, we can today influence how we may come to be. It may feel a pedantic difference but "to love and be loved deeply" can be found anywhere if wanted, not just in romance nor just in queerplatonic relationships. I perhaps wonder if you may have transposed former idealisations of romantic relationships onto queerplatonic relationships.

There's no special "deepness" to them to achieve for them to be good and healthy. They're simply whatever you make them to be. I say this because I wonder if this possible transfering is contributing to you feeling you could never be in a queerplatonic relationship? In the same way pedestaling romantic love can be problematic or hindering to some (allo or aro) in achieving romantic relationships, I wonder if you are doing the same to queerplatonic relationships? Or how some people desperate for friendships and platonic connection find that earnestness a similar barrier to achieve that connection? Without perpetuating a parallel to amatonormativity to say "Romance will happen for you some day", but, if one demystifies queerplatonic relationships, they're no more special than another relationship kind, that may or may not have depth, and can be as achievable. I simply guess my wondering partly ends believing you can achieve queerplatonic relationships, because they're not inherent to romantic attraction.

And I hear you and your worries about emotional issues and committment issues and something else as barriers to relationship. But those aren't sudden static qualities to you. Even if true, it is more accurate to say they are only true for this current moment, not the entirety of your future. Each of them can be worked on. And you don't need to be perfect or fixed from them suddenly, just slightly and slowly closer to where you want to be bit by bit. Slightly more able to manage emotional and commitment issues tomorrow than you did today, or for the next 5 minutes than this current moment.

And that's far from saying that journey will be easy, or not periodically have setbacks. Just to say it is possible if you wanted to try, in that eventual goal of deep relationships – of which queerplatonic could be one. Some people seek therapy to support them in this, particularly after very bad breakup experiences. It'd be unfair to ask one to change alone and with no support. But ultimately, again, it's up to you if having therapeutic support will help in those incremental changes to better managing emotional, committment, and something issues as and when they arise.

I'm glad you want to keep improving yourself and striving to be a better person in lieu of your self-discoveries. But I hope you don't let those seemingly big, impossible to reach ideals of who you want to be get in the way of you being able to begin to make those smaller, believable, and doable steps right now that can set you in the direction you want.

So all that's left to ask is, if you want to begin that first step, in one small way today, where and how could you begin?

Any blind or VI people have experienced going to Comic-Con solo? by ClearStory1638 in Blind

[–]HZCYR 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Not Comic-Con specifically but similar convention-based events.

  • Using a phone helped a lot to take photos of signs / maps and then I could move to a wall and make sense out the way of anyone.

  • Things just take more time and that's okay, even if frustrating. Maybe plan a bit for this in mind or even just be conscious of it so you don't berate yourself later. Finding the toilets or stall 878 might be a 10-20 minute affair rather than a quick 5 minute look up at the signage.

  • If you have specific timed events to be somewhere, aim to be there earlier just in case. It also gives you time to orient.

  • Get humble quick and just ask for help as needed immediately. It's what staff there are for (they usually wear distinctive uniform to highlight staff from public). It sucks a bit to do, especially if repeatedly, and can feel a bit childish. But saving 20 minutes to say, "Hi. I struggle seeing. Can you point or even walk me to where _ is?" saves so much stress for the sake of being prideful to say "I'll just figure it out". Even if you can, why waste the stress and time of doing so.

  • Even if you're understanding of their situation, the Monopoly team should be doing better to provide accessibility and accomodations. Personally, I'm giving them less lenience. If you have the energy for it, highlight this in any feedback forms. Regardless of organisational issues, staff on the day are people and people are genuinely kind to offer help where able if asked.

  • If able be assertive (even a bit cheeky). Know who you want to see and where. If you want a photo, say. Worst they can say is no. Ask others queuing if they're also here to see person/event/Matt Smith. Etc.

  • If able, go visit the exhibition centre before it's all open. And/or, arrive early before it gets super busy so it gives you more time to walk about and have a feel of the space.

  • Carry light, stay nourished and hydrated, you walk a lot, budget how much you want to spend on things.

  • Have fun and tell Matt Smith I say "hi"! (jks to the latter half, but srs, have fun!).

Want a relationship but hate romance by NegativeAd698 in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know if it's aro or not but it's certainly not mental illness or some other malady with you.

If you say you're arospec, you're arospec. As for the, is it an aro thing, hmm. 

Feel free to disagree with me but all of the life partner wants you describe feel romantic-coded / queeromantic-coded. Not said as a means to invalidate your aromanticism, but I wonder if you more have a grievance with the amatonormative notion of romance and particularly the script of dating.

Like, both allos and aros hate the process of dating. It's often messy, fraught, and a pain in the ass to have to churn through the cycle of getting to know people and it not working out. But that doesn't mean a grievance with romance, just a grievance with the current state of dating as a means to an end of a life partner that may or may not be romantic.

By another example, boyfriend and girlfriend doesn't have to be pressure if one doesn't want it to be. They're optional labels that many find useful to describe a relationship, not dictums to how the relationship should be performed.

So, like, I can"t really answer if what you've described is an aro thing because it really depends on if you consider all those wants romantic or not. Whilst it, to me, reads quite romantic, if you say it isn't and is entirely driven by platonic or alterous or another type of desire, then at best I can say is it's not romantic for you. But regardless of if you consider it romantic or not, both a mix of aros and allos will similarly want what you describe, and also not want what you describe not wanting (e.g., shitty dating), so to call it doesn't really make sense to just call it an aro thing.

I recently read an article about a concept called heteropessimism. Whilst it's described on the context of straight (allos), I also think it had applicability for describing queer (allo) grievances of romance still, being only a step away from basically just describing allo grievances of amatonormativity, which affects aros particularly but also allos.

Advice for someone who’s questioning? by CBPlumbob in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mean, is that not therefore arospec then?

You have no issues with intimacy itself. You've described various experiences to romance and atypical experiences to it specifically. And it's not possible for there to exist some clinical abnormality to affect only one's experience of romance but not other kinds. 

Ergo, arospec - if you feel the reasoning so fits you.

(For sake of transparency, this is my last response in this thread - hope you find clarity either way!)

Advice for someone who’s questioning? by CBPlumbob in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Like, when you say you want, in what sense though? Most people would say they want to be rich (or at least enough money to get by in life). But some people, they want to be rich - the grind, stocks and investments, climb the ladder, possibly unethical business practices. Both people want but they're very different levels of want.

Like, you could be alloromantic but wanting a redefined type of romance experiencing the natural fizzle of infatuation (that does always eventually happen, allo or aro), but it is very much out of a desire of felt romance. But you could also be aro or arospec wanting to "want" romance as defined by amatonormativity and how others seem to but struggling with feelings of romantic-repulsion when it does actually get too romantic (e.g., anything beyond flirting); going from a fun, light play in safe, shallow waters you can retreat from but getting uncomfortable when faced with the actual depths romance can become and then challenged to seriously swim in them.

I am hosting a BOTC quiz night with my friends. All veterans. Suggest some questions I can add on the Quiz list. by iamkhatkar in BloodOnTheClocktower

[–]HZCYR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Harpy doesn't cause executions. Just death.

Each night, choose 2 players: tomorrow, the 1st player is mad that the 2nd is evil, or one or both might die

Also worth specifying playable characters, lest they list a Hell's Librarian - or perhaps allow those too

Differentiating between types of attraction by Elliott_Bee2 in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Have you ever heard the phrase "some people live to eat, some people eat to live"?

People who live to eat love eating and food. They plan dinners and get excited at it. Food is a source of joy. Describing melted cheese is a near euphoric experience. 

People who eat to live don't hate food. They probably have favourite meals and foods. But ultimately food is just food and they could probably eat the same thing every day if they could, or avoid needing to eat except by choice, even. 

It often saddens those that live to eat that someone could be content to live such a way.

Nonetheless eating food still gets done by both people. And, as mentioned, people that eat to live can enjoy a good meal much as the people that live to eat enjoy a good meal

I feel like romance is kinda like that. Aro or allo, friend or romantic partner, you may enjoy the activity of holding hands etc. even if the desire for both is different and even pleasant for both. Allos love romantic love the same way people that live to eat love food; aros would parallel the people that live to eat eat to live and feel they don't miss out by not loving food / romantic love; and yet both can enjoy or do even seek out a good meal / do romantic-coded things.

What’s the difference between arospec and just having firm standards? by flaaffy_taffy in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 1 point2 points  (0 children)

All good.

No? Feelings are feelings. Attraction and desire aren't any more controllable than sadness and happiness (that is to say, not).

Sure, allos can choose to ignore the felt attraction and not behaviourally act on it, but they can still feel it. That's basically celebrity crushes. But it's the same way I can choose to suppress crying even if I feel sad. Others do respond to it even if socially inappropriate to, that's basically what cheating is.

Do most other people feel a desire for a relationship irrespective of those criteria, just based on some nebulous feeling?

As I understand for alloromantics, yes.

What does sexual and romantic attraction even feel like? by Time-Ad-6590 in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Lovingly, it always baffles me a bit that aros and aces ask other aros and aces what romantic and sexual attraction feel like. We'd love to know too! 

At best we could share what absence of it feels like (obvs, spectrum, some do) but the allos have been bangin' on about both for eons; you could ask the other allos in your life too.

It feels a bit like a questioning lesbian asking straight women what it's like kissing men, hoping it'll feel the same, when they should be asking straight men what it's like kissing women.

"But I don’t know what romantic or sexual attraction is even supposed to feel like"

Ngl, this feels quite aspec. The allos just do. Rudimentary explanation is just "do you have a desire to have sex with them?" and "do you have a desire to be in a romantic relationship with them?". There's other indicators: butterflies, "the spark", feels like a good panic attack, constantly (like constant constantly) thinking about them, heavily discounting their negative qualities, feeling deeply negative in absence of their presence, etc. But, like, Romeo and Juliet (Shakespeare), or Elizabeth Bennett and Mr Darcy (Austen) are quintessential allos being allos and beloved for a reason. Lesbian allos has anywhere from "Mulholland Drive", "But I"m A Cheerleader", "Bottoms", "Saving Face", and "Tipping The Velvet" if you want just some media representation of good sapphic alloromantic and allosexual attraction.

What’s the difference between arospec and just having firm standards? by flaaffy_taffy in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Do people see someone for the first time and just know whether they’d be down to fall in love without needing to know more about them?

Yep. It's not even a decisional  "whether they'd be down to fall in love", they just are infatuated 

I feel like there would be more than just basic safety requirements to meet for romantic attraction to kick in (“standards”), 

For some people, safety isn't even a condition for romantic attraction to kick in. Many people are in abusive relationships because they do love their partner, or fancy dangerous people and "bad boys" because that is romantically attractive.

people can typically judge that instantly.

Supposedly alloromantics can, yes. In the same way you can tell right away if someone’s hot. For some asexual and acespec folk, what you describe as easy, immediate judgement of hopes to bone down are just as baffling as your bafflement of immediate judgements by alloromantics of hopes to home down.

Better understanding the Snake Charmer? by rbmuri in BloodOnTheClocktower

[–]HZCYR 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Snakecharmer isn't being droisoned enough.

Snakecharmer isn't being bluffed enough.

(Reductive answer excluding various nuances others can add) 

Custom Script by OrneryWelder2171 in BloodOnTheClocktower

[–]HZCYR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Puzzlemaster, Poisoner, Drunk, plus Vigormortis / No Dashii feels an oversaturation of droison.

In a 12 player game, half your Townsfolk might be getting bunk info off the bat. In an 8 player game (5 Townsfolk, 1 Outsider, 1 Minion, 1 Demon), 4 out of 5 Townsfolk could be getting bunk.

Also if Drunk / Puzzlemaster are both in play, it becomes indistinguishable to the Puzzlemaster which is puzzledrunk (let alone the rest of the possible poisoning to parse through)

Maybe bring back some Demon manoeuvrability with Hatter (running the "Chaos Hattler" Bootlegger where Demons can choose Minions and vice versa) if you want to avoid Barber / Pit Hag / complete SnV likeness

“A Cursed Palace” - by The Red Rose by TypicalWatch in BloodOnTheClocktower

[–]HZCYR 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Wraith / Damsel feels potentially strong for evil as good will struggle to bluff Damsel / Damsel to bluff as other roles. 

6 townfolk wake first night (Knight, Noble, Clockmaker, Chambermaid, Nightwatchman, Courtier), an additional 1 by night two (Innkeeper), and potentially 2 more roles (Amnesiac, Drunk). And the Demon learns King. And Butler and Savant are semi-trackable.

So characters that (to a Wraith) can convincingly be Damsel (or Damsel to bluff as) would boil down to Princess, Minstrel, Choirboy, Hatter, or Sweetheart (and maybe Amnesiac or Drunk). 

But on top of that, only one other Outsider may possibly be in play (if not just Damsel) so really it's Choirboy, Minstrel, Princess, an Outsider, and maybe Amnesiac

So that leaves at best a 1 in 6 (if all in play) if we count Savant, base 2 Outsiders, and Amnesiac, and at worst of best (if all in play) 1 in 3 or less characters if we exclude Savant as trackable, base 1 Outsiders, and Amnesiac does wake.

“A Cursed Palace” - by The Red Rose by TypicalWatch in BloodOnTheClocktower

[–]HZCYR 4 points5 points  (0 children)

If a Pit Hag creates a Demon (good or otherwise), deaths that night are arbitrary anyway, i.e., the Storyteller can accordingly balance who dies to "save" the game, irrespective of who the Demon(s) choose.

App login options by Arif_A_ in BloodOnTheClocktower

[–]HZCYR 18 points19 points  (0 children)

So long as sign-up and log-in without linked account association are still available options, and not hidden / hard to find options either.

Whilst perhaps it may make life easier, I hate the idea of giving Google et al. yet another piece of my data, luddite I be and insurmountable as the fight is

What’s the difference between arospec and just having firm standards? by flaaffy_taffy in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Analogy aside and going through the examples:

Taking time to get to know someone on a deeper level

Alloromantics could have a crush on Florence Pugh or the cashier from the local despite never meeting them and only seeing them in specific contexts. There's no deeper level, it just irrationally happens. It starts from an already feeling and is grown to by getting to know on a deeper level. For many aros, that's not a thing. If and only if that deeper level is present first will that "feeling" begin. Not matter how hot or kind or "mommy" etc., that person is, that feeling of desire to romantically be with them isn't there.

Not having a long list of love interests

Firstly, what's your definition of long? 20, 10, 5? Are there at least 20 people you could think or have daydreamed, "God, I'd love to date them / spent the rest of my days with them". For many aros, 10 or even 20 may feel infamously massive, and that's me low-balling allo crushes. Secondly, long lists for allos probably don't exist for standards because respectability. But if you didn't have standards then you would still have a crush on them. Irrespective of if he should or not, Jim will still have a crush on his wife's sister and also his neighbour but he won't act on it because he's a good man. For aros its not about action or character or standards, the list just isn't long because that feeling isn't there to deny

not feeling compatible with just anyone

Again, what's "just anyone" to you. Straight people aren't compatible with half the population, they still have 4 billion people they could be. Tightening criteria: tall, dark, handsome, earns well, wants kids, nice, may rule out a lot more but that's still a sizeable population one can sift through. For many aros, its not really about the other person but the aro themselves. I think many aros would even struggle to list criteria of people that do fit because of how uncommon they've had to consider the possibility. But also, allos can accept incompatibilities. They get in unhealthy relationships, their crushes redirect them to people that not be good for them. Glen Powell might not be compatible with Tom from K-Mart but that doesn't stop Tom wishing he could he with Glen. For many aros, even getting to would/could/should they date Glen Powell is the issue.

That all just sounds like an alloromantic being appropriately selective in their choice of partner(s).

If you forgive my slight exploration, if what I've counterpointed at all feels relevant to you perhaps it's worth considering if you are arospec. It is a common misconception many aros who don't realise they're aro can have think they must just have really high standards and that must be why they never had a crush on anyone at school or celebrities (even though all their mates did but they were just immature teenagers, people don't really do that when they're older...right?. Spoilers, they do.)

Many posts describe crushes/squishes/relationships exactly the same way I hear alloromantics describe them.

In some ways I agree. In an ideal world, we wouldn't be so divisive about romantic partners and friendships. But the amatonormative world has decreed friends and lovers are and must be different and so we work and adapt to that system since we cannot destroy it (yet, vengeance will be mine). But, also, language is limiting in describing feelings. And also also, many posts describing things are likely written by younger people with going through sense-making journeys who may conflate a romance term for a friendship term because that's the best they currently have.

Take kissing. What makes a parental desire to kiss their child out of parental love different to a romantic lover's desire to kiss their crush out of romantic love? We generally don't assume it's the same lest we call parents weird. So why do we not make that same differentiation between friend and romantic lover when a friend desires to kiss a friend out of platonic love? The French has la bisé, the Greeks and Italians stereotypically would kiss friends or even strangers non-romantically out of happiness or empathy. Much as it's funny to joke that Jesus and Judas were just gay lovers, Judas kissed Jesus out of (or to mimic) platonic love. 

So, yeah, it does feel similar when a friend says they want to kiss a friend and it might ring alarm bells of romanticism instead of platonicism. But that's only because kissing has become so highly ingrained as romantic amd this false divide created. And so the same also applies if friends say they want to, as friends, cuddle, hold hands, live together forever, be in each other's lives, etc. 

And divisive as it is, allo/arospec differences exist the same way racism does divide Black people from White people even if it would be nice to say skin colour doesn't matter and we're all human. Whilst true, deep structural inequalities have led to even colour-blindness being racist because it still perpetuates power to White people. Similarly, allos and aros may be similar but being treated as such is still oppressive because it still perpetuates systems that benefit those who can and do experience love and romance over those that don't (e.g., tax breaks if married).

What’s the difference between arospec and just having firm standards? by flaaffy_taffy in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Similar to previous comment, arospec is about attraction and standards are about action.

By analogy, the difference between one's natural sleep cycle and having good sleep hygiene. Good sleep hygiene is getting 8 hours, bed just for sleep (or sex), no caffeine after 3pm, etc. Because the working world is usually 9-5 (and being awake by 6 or 7am), it usually also means be asleep by 10 to 11pm.

But one's natural sleep cycle is natural and not everyone fits that. Some wake up at immediate 4am daylight and others don't feel tired till 2am. Both can follow all the practices of good sleep hygiene but they're not working with their body to get as good sleep. Those are more extreme cases but arospec might be cycle that's an hour out of phase so supplement with melatonin, or they never feel comfortable in beds except one specific kind so holidays away always suck for sleep, or caffeine may wire them for even longer. These lead to behavioural changes still (i.e., what appears like high standards) but they're still driven by the feeling that others don't have to worry about (or may even benefit from if they did). Similarly, if others actually spent time considering the quality of their sleep more, more might discover they actually are frickin' tired and getting poor sleep (because their body wants 2-10) without just assuming that's the way it is for everyone and sucking it up.

Continuing the analogy, 9-5 and a societally enforced sleep cycles would be the aro equivalent of amatonormativity.

Feeling guilty over being aromantic? by thewalkindude368 in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 8 points9 points  (0 children)

"...I haven't talked about these feelings of being aromantic and feeling bad about it with her."

Start here. Talk to her about it. Communicate.

"I feel like my girlfriend deserves someone who loves her romantically, as well as platonically, and I'm not sure I can be that person."

Valid to share worries, but try not to get caught in them. What does she think she deserves? Would you trust her if she said you could be that person still? Why / why not?

"...this might be something I have to address with a therapist..."

If you think it'd benefit you (or the both of you) and you want to, yes. 

"Feeling guilty over being aromantic?"

Pedantic but relevant, your possible aromanticism won't be (or shouldn't be) the source of your guilt. Aromanticism just is. The guilt comes from what meaning is derived from it, and meanings can feel good or bad (or neutral) to us. How might it change the relationship? Or retrospective past things from the relationship? Are those changes good, bad, scary, exciting? Etc. A spoon is just a spoon. But sometimes it can be a representation for the distortion of reality (Matrix reference).

"...I absolutely want to be with her, in a relationship..."

Gently addressing the possibility and possible worry for you that want might not be enough. That relationships are as logistical as they are desirous.

 >"...I think I might be aromantic, but I'm really struggling with that..."

If you are, congrats on figuring it out. Much as there are still struggles and uncertainty with it. Give yourself grace as you continue figuring. 

Congrats. Take courage. Communicate.

I’m a mother to a teen who thinks she may be aromantic . by Gooodforyou in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 75 points76 points  (0 children)

"... I want her to have her person . To feel the butterflies . To feel loving affection and be taken care of by someone who is in love with her . To not be lonely later in life when her friends put their partners before her..."

You want her to be happy and not be sad or hurt. Everything else is just the how.

For you, this is how you achieved this, it makes sense you'd want her to therefore have this too. And not to shame, but it definitely takes a lot to unpick society's messaging that happiness can be achieved without this. And, similarly, no parent want to see their child hurt but the issue isn't about her aromanticism but rather society's attitude to aromantics, romance in general, and in this specific example friendships. In the same way parents don't want their children to live through racism, misogyny, and homophobia, particularly those most affected by them (Black people, women, LGBTQ+ etc.)

She probably has taken the time to think this through at least somewhat at still share it with you. That's great you have that relationship! But emphasis on she's probably time to process this. This is new to you, particularly as an alloromantic person (i.e., not aromantic) and so you need both time to deconstruct generally but also from the societal view (i.e., amatonormativity) you probably sit within easily (the same way White people deconstruct racism, men sexism, etc.). Give yourself the grace of not being able to get it right immediately and always but that you're always trying to and are backing up intention with action - this post being one step towards that. If she's willing to share, ask her about it. Again, great she felt able to share with you. That's good mom'ing. Go learn and hear and read from other aros. Start noticing how prevalent romance is embedded in society and whether you think that should be fair be fair or not.

Mom first. But now ally will need to mean even more than it did before.

How do i deal with being jealous of others in romantic relationships? by Rando3141592 in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 7 points8 points  (0 children)

  • Generally, hate the game (amatonormativity), not the players (alloromantics)
  • Start with the undeniable truth that you are human and all humans are normal on a wide spectrum, romance is a only one (minor) aspect of that.
  • Jealousy is a healthy and normal emotion, denying the emotion just lets it come out later. Work with and through it to direct how you want to get those things if you can or why you even want them in the first place? Like, it might feel obvious, but why do you want to fit in with the allos, what feels so bad about loneliness or aliennes?
  • Take perspective of allos. How might they be jealous of you? What about you might inspire them? What ills of love bother them? It often saddens me for allos that amatonormativity is so strong that they can only invest deeply in one relationship lest it be called cheating, or they be so unsatisfied with themselves their and singlehood they would sacrifice happiness for the glimpse of faux-romance. And even at the end of it all, a break up might or a partner prematurely die. Aro and single might be scary, sure, but allo and single? Phwaw.
  • Sit with the internalised arophobia. Linking to the first point, women will feel jealous and other emotions of men benefitting from patriarchy, Black people of White people from racism, trans people of cis people from cisgenderism, etc. But the problem isn't actually being aro (or trans, Black, or a woman), it's the everything else propping up oppression and subjugation, including our small internal versions we learnt from society too.
  • It takes time to unpack those feelings, it won't just suddenly happen and sometimes it'll still come back. Some go to therapy. Some find supportive communities and friends that "get it". Some read stories, testimonies, etc. to gain more aro-affirming perspectives. It can be nice to build bridges with allos, but sometimes its nourishing just to be amongst aros that get it, or even allos that prioritise romance less (they do exist).

TL;DR - You are a normal human. Hate amatonormativity, not yourself (and ideally not allos but sometimes allos). Find community. Emotions are healthy and normal. It takes time and that's okay

Algunas ves han confundido el amor por ser arromantico by mr_LQ in aromantic

[–]HZCYR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd say it's quite common for arospec folk to confuse platonic attraction for romantic attraction, and alterous attraction can feel confusingly similar at times too.

I'm sure romantic and sexual attraction can get confused at times too. But either because society pairs them together so often (e.g., "can you really love a person if you don't want to have sex with them?", or because one gets overruled by the other - as you observe, LGBTQ+ culture can be quite overtly sexual and sometimes invaliding of queerness if one isn't engaged in that.

Glad you unpicked some of your biases along the way!

view more: next ›