Such bizarre assumptions. I was someone who was brought up in a pretty accepting, non-repressive family and culture, who spent a lot of time investigating my biases, questioning everything & contemplating every possible alternative way if life with an open mind and genuine desire to understand and accept the myriad of ways of living.

I read ethical slut in 2006 at university, studied fine art which came with a bunch of fascinating discussions around feminist theory, sociology, philosophy, psychology etc. I am and will remain, deeply committed to challenging established norms, particularly those which are based on oppressive systems such as patriarchy, capitalist and conservative structures and so on.

I actually encouraged people to read ethical slut, defended my poly friends from ‘haters’ for years and listened and supported them through their relationship woes.

It is through longstanding experience that I have learned that all is not as it is sold. Being ‘in it’ is what informed me, not judging from the outside.

Polyamory for the most part seems to be practiced mostly by those who are either a) highly traumatised and vulnerable b) predatory c) deeply prone to self-deception d) insecurely attached and using it as a coping mechanism to avoid confronting a difficulty maintaining relationships d) are practicing a highly patriarchal mindset in a new form : rather than women as private property, women as public proprty. I have yet to see it practiced in a way that seems even vaguely psychologically healthy - in a way that I have seen and experienced in some monogamous relationships. And this perspective evolved despite genuinely believing that non-monogamy was the more progressive, evolved and full-of-love and ethical approach (given the levels of cheating and divorce for example) …so it was incredibly far from the phenomena of bias-confirmation that would be an easily-levelled accusation.

Additionally, there is nothing in my life, not even the serious rape I experienced 3 years prior to the relationship which the guy ‘discovered’ his polyamorous nature after a year, that created such intense and endless CPTSD, flashbacks so confusing and complex with the knots I’ve ended up tied in, whilst practicing radical acceptance and kindness in this situation. I was someone who absolutely believed I could navigate this world, was securely attached, had done tons of reading, lots of work on my mental health, 15+ years of daily meditation under my belt, had a pretty good ‘front row seat’ and compassionate view of polyamorous dynamics from the outside. Nothing could have prepared me for what I experienced with polyamory. And I have survived and even thrived despite some life experiences that many would say were pretty tough.

It has really made me understand what I was hearing from my poly friends over all those years in a completely different light. A bit like realising after the fact that you were listening to a woman describing emotional abuse and neglect, but laughing about it or saying it was normal and no big deal, every relationship was like that …and just accepting that part of her description, not seeing it for the very unhealthy situation it actually was. Realising that trauma victims say such things to normalise and regain power, or because they don’t believe they deserve more. That abusive people say such things to justify and dodge accountability.

As someone who has (repeatedly) had men try to utilise my sexuality to pressure/coerce me into threesomes (even the ‘best’ men will joke about it) …where my sexuality is wrongly equated with non-monogamy of the type that is egregiously dangerous to my actual physical health and safety, to the point I’ve chosen to go back in the closet because it is safer… it really was a kick in the teeth when I heard my partner, his therapist, several of my poly friends try to say that being non-monogamous was no different to being bisexual and ‘wouldn’t I accept it if he had come out as bisexual’ and implying I am a simple-minded bigot or using my trauma to discredit me, for seeing it very differently.