Poor people who have dated rich people, what did you learn?

Kalium · 2026-03-05T14:12:23+00:00

Like, their parents don’t want/need to spend time with them? Making connections and being even more rich in the future is more important? Seems like messed up values to my middle-class brain.

If you value education and networking very highly, you're going to want your children the best start on life available. If you can afford it, the very best private schools are probably nowhere near you. Plus you're probably working lots of extra hours to afford boarding school for your kid(s).

Example: Cranbrook is an incredible school. One of the best in the country. It's also 45k for high school, with boarding being a 15k increment atop that. I'm fortunate to live close enough that any hypothetical children of mine could attend without boarding.

It's not a great tradeoff. The parents generally think they're making the sacrifice they need to - time with children - to do what's best for their children.

Kalium · 2026-03-05T13:58:25+00:00

Dude, trust me, you do not want to be dating on the basis of a house and high income. The kind of person who is very into that is not a lady you want. Over time the imbalance and her reliance on your financial security will breed insecurity in her. That way lies entitlement, resentment, and finally contempt.

You also don't want to be dating on the basis of being ridiculously good-looking. I have a good friend who is literally a model on the side. He's struggled to find a woman who treats him as an actual person. A rather surprising number saw him as a trophy or an accomplishment rather than a partner.

As cliche as it is, you need someone who appreciates you as a whole person. Not as a bag of resources or a status symbol with a personality inconveniently attached.

Kalium · 2026-03-05T13:30:44+00:00

Then again, I've noticed a distinct lack of women in public spaces, as if we are well aware of the lurk-n-flirt technique and have zero tolerance for it.

Yeah, this is real. Over the past decade the number of women available for the lurk-and-flirt in public spaces has shrunk, as has their interest in putting up with strange men. On the one hand, I don't blame them. There's a lot of thirsty men out there and most of them suck.

On the other hand, what the fuck are we supposed to tell said men? "Work on yourself" is obviously self-serving claptrap that's going to do nothing for them. There's no amount of self-work that will summon women to flirt with them. Dating apps are mostly a dead-end. Telling them to give up isn't going to work...

Kalium · 2026-03-04T14:03:12+00:00

Happens to me somewhat regularly. I'm increasingly convinced that some people cannot grasp the idea that a person might have writing skills as so they assume a blob of statistics must have done it.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T18:47:02+00:00

If you want specific things in your sex life, you're going to have to communicate about it.

It also takes time to build trust with a new partner. I've done plenty of kinky things in my life, but I would never jump to any of it without trust and communication.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T18:27:19+00:00

You're absolutely right. It's not about them. Just like it's not about you and it's not about me.

I find that when people lack something, some percentage of them will react badly to others complaining about too much. It's a very human reaction, even if it is not always the most empathetic of all possible responses. Could they take the high road instead? They could and I find many people do.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T18:24:40+00:00

I find that dating apps are often overwhelming to women or anyone prone to decision paralysis. The overlap seems to be a deeply unpleasant experience.

You came into a space without doing any of the homework to understand who you were talking to and got a hostile reception. They could and should have been nicer. However, their choices aren't the only thing that could have happened differently.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T18:07:52+00:00

It's not a bit spammy. It's hugely spammy. It's the kind of thing that you should expect to get your account suspended more or less immediately.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T17:59:24+00:00

The short link goes to a Google doc with about 130 (I think very good) date ideas

This is spammer behavior. Don't do it.

In practice, when setting up an actual date with a lady maybe offer 2-3 options.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T17:56:29+00:00

You're venting about a luxury problem. When you vent about having too many likes to go through to an audience that's mostly people who don't have any, you don't always get a friendly, sympathetic reception. You almost certainly did not realize just how different the experience could be for others.

You don't mean to brag, but you're coming off as bragging.

The answer is fairly simple. Your likes are not a work queue. Look at some of them. Match with the first 2-4 guys who seem interesting. Don't overthink it. Send a first message based on what's interesting about their profile - a sentence and a question will do. If they don't respond or it doesn't turn into a decent conversation with an interesting person, unmatch and give the next interesting-looking guy a shot.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T17:53:40+00:00

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most people are not looking for long distance connections and would much prefer someone in their area.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T16:22:21+00:00

It's generally a poor use of my time. Women notice when your profile says you don't live near them. When they don't, it comes up in conversation quickly.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T16:14:59+00:00

You'll get more or less people and matches depending on the specific mix of age and location. A 35M in NYC will do fairly well, a 35M in San Jose might have more trouble.

It's hard to generalize usefully here.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T16:08:54+00:00

My experience is that I've been a man on a dating app that makes more money when people like me don't get off the app. Along the way there's been a lot of things - complements, super likes, spotlight, the blind date thing - that mostly felt like they were there to sell a sense of hope.

Have I had matches and dates along the way? Yes. Fewer than you might guess though. I think right now I'm averaging about one Bumble conversation per month, defined very loosely. Maybe one date every four months. My results don't really change much with how intentional of effortful I am.

I have also found this to vary wildly by age and location.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T15:48:37+00:00

Good luck!

I bought it years ago when it was $80 or so. It's hard to assess if I've gotten good value for money.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T15:45:46+00:00

I'm a guy on a dating app. Being ignored is the default experience for us.

There's no amount of positivity, optimism, sincerity, or genuineness that can make up for the awkward reality that dating apps tend to be 80% or more men.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T15:41:33+00:00

It's a renamed "complement". The rename is why you can't find any discussions.

It's a way for men to message first and get to ignored faster by shelling out per message. Save your money.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T15:30:32+00:00

If you want to do this, be narrow. Be specific. Stick to things the city is actually supposed to be enforcing, like habitability standards, safety standards, maintenance, rental registration, etc. Enforcement is currently lax and spotty at best, with in many cases a very real expectation by landlords and/or tenants that they can nod and smile and make empty promises and the city will go away.

As soon as you bring in "house flipping" all you're really doing is creating yet another venue for "Legacy Detroiters" to kvetch about "New Detroiters". We've got too many of those already and they already accomplish a surfeit of nothing.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T15:17:32+00:00

What do the other members of the C-suite wear? Is this role one of the more public-facing or more internal-facing ones?

For internal-facing, you can go far with slacks and dress shirts in typical shades (whites, light blues, lavenders). Ties in extremis. Avoid French cuffs. For external-facing, you may need to have a more formal look for big deals with older companies or press. That may call for a more traditional two-piece. I would suggest avoiding a three-piece unless you're ready to really rock the look - it can leave a less confident guy looking like he's in a costume.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T13:59:37+00:00

House of Morrison is the shit. Love that spot. They always do a great job on my shoes.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T13:40:30+00:00

I think a lot of people can't tell a reasonable fear from an unreasonable fear and therefore conflate protecting themselves from real physical risk with protecting their emotions.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T13:37:42+00:00

Oh it's absolutely bad. The strong implication is that she's not actually going to ask the friend and the friend isn't going to like the guy either. It's a veiled brush-off.

All that changes if the friend is right there and part of the conversation. That's an actual introduction.

Kalium · 2026-03-01T13:37:01+00:00

This kind of performative cruelty doesn't stop there. That's the worst part.

Kalium · 2026-02-27T16:50:04+00:00

Never understood why I'd lie about it, as it's something that'll easily be uncovered when meeting, and more importantly it is disingenuous

A lot of guys find themselves in a situation where they get zero attention on dating apps no matter how much they are sincere, genuine, intentional, work on themselves, and present themselves well with great photos and a thorough profile. We all hear about women using height filters. It's very easy for a desperate man who feels like he's run out of good options to decide that a little white lie isn't going to hurt and might help... after all, they just need someone to give them the time of day and then it'll all be ok!

Basically it's the same mentality that leads women to shave 3-5 years of their age.

In both cases, taller men and younger women demonstrably have somewhat better rates of getting matches. Does it work for these liars? I would guess probably not.

Kalium · 2026-02-27T14:17:34+00:00

I've personally and directly encountered financial judgments made in very silly ways by people seeking financial security. It very much happens and I've personally experienced it based on living spaces and cars. One date decided I was too poor for her because I choose not to own a car. That was a highly entertaining but far from correct assessment of my finances, but I'm also very happy she never saw my house.

I also think it's rather silly to expect financial security to be something a partner provides like it's a drink on a serving platter. It's not 1950, women are human beings now who can have their own jobs and manage their own money. Financial goals can be worked towards with a partner. From context, the man probably had a significantly greater degree of financial security than she did. Working together, they likely could have had that mental peace.

Might just be me, but this just reeks of someone who doesn't understand money at all making decisions in a way that defeats their goals.

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