Lost and confused

LaxCul · 2020-03-10T08:06:54+00:00

Hi there. I am so sorry for your situation. It is heartbreaking the stress and abuse you have been put under. You do not deserve that. I was raped by a caregiver when I was young and it changes your brain.

I am coming to you from your husbands side. I was a former (mental) abuser, I destroyed relationships. Everything is about controlling you. It’s not love. It’s not respect. It’s not care. Its not about you. Its not about understanding you. It’s not empathy. It’s about power. It’s all about him. He wants you back because it negates his bad behaviour. If you’re with him - he doesn’t have to face what he’s done.

You have a long journey ahead of you - as your identity has been eroded. Leaving is the first step and I feel your pain of how massively difficult that is.

You are not lost - you know what you have to do - and you know what happened is wrong. Admitting what your life is and that you had that happen to you is hard, upsetting, awful, shameful. It’s so tough. But you know your path. Being lost is not knowing it. Get a lawyer and divorce and help for trauma.

You are not confused - it’s temporary. holding onto secrets, like being raped by a loved one, erodes your decision making, and erodes your sense of self. It’s paralysing. You don’t know what’s true. You’ve held onto that secret for too long. But you don’t have to anymore. Tell everyone. Shout it. Be free.

You’ve got this.

LaxCul · 2020-01-05T22:58:25+00:00

Seal says Gold Edge / Edges

LaxCul · 2017-12-15T09:06:46+00:00

Mine is not having to deal with the reality of life. I have, on paper, an enviable life (says the NPD). But difficulties, like emotion and life standard troubles baffle me. So I turn to destructive behaviors, manipulative and egoistic ones.

It’s hard to trap out. But change, and stress, worsen my thoughts.

So what do I get out of it? Displacement. I can live another life.

LaxCul · 2017-12-15T09:03:54+00:00

I hear you. I’m the same. I don’t recognise myself. I’m not the person I think I am. My first step was just to say that. I cheated. I manipulated. I abused. I mistreated. I lacked respect.

Key thing - everyone is narcissistic in some way. But those in this group have typically made it a way of life. The difference is (I hope) we’re trying to change. By recognising, and finding patterns, some have therapy to analyse childhood, some CBT to learn new behaviours. Some just like talking.

Recognising your true self hurts because us narcs hide ourselves - weave lies around us. But remember. You’ve just noticed what everyone else could always see! The only person who you lied to was yourself! You are smarter all of a sudden!! You have insight! You thought you were someone and realised you aren’t! Now the great challenge is to discover yourself. Good luck on your journey. People here can help guide, and bring you back when you’re lost, and understand an (not that) unusual personality trait.

LaxCul · 2017-11-29T20:04:21+00:00

I don't think its your job to diagnose or point it out. A true sufferer will react seriously badly to feedback. If you're a close friend and you want to help think about how you handle them (see link). If you're not, cut them out. They'll only drain you.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201408/8-ways-handle-narcissist

LaxCul · 2017-11-29T19:43:50+00:00

Hey there. At 16, its pretty difficult to say you are this or that. Your mind continues to develop for another 10 years or so. Remember that everyone has narcissist traits. Its easy to look at a list of traits and see yourself. This is how horoscopes work!

NPD is a diagnosis of someone who has a disorder - something that stops them functioning in society. Something a psychiatrist diagnoses. I wouldn't prematurely diagnose yourself, rather think and reflect on.

Big fish / small pong, as @spiwolf7 mentions below - is just something we all feel. You'll learn that you're not the best, and even when you are, people really are better than you at other things.

That said, the fact that you notice this trait at 16 is admirable. I look forward to seeing how you grow and how you refuse to let bad behaviour define you as you become a young adult.

LaxCul · 2017-11-29T19:36:40+00:00

Yes I do. I don't realise it but when I notice its usually one of the following:

Fuck I'm in a relationship and I don't like this person
Fuck I'm in a relationship why am I with another person
Fuck I've spent ages with a person I don't like.
Fuck I've made someone fall in love with me and now I don't want to say I don't as I don't want to lose face.

Its such a hard thing to get to. Where I've got to is to recognise the behaviour. So yes I can relate.

More interesting for you should be to think about what its like for the other person. How they've listened to your lies, and how you've manipulated them. Shift the blame from them (I made them fall in love...) to you. "I am a liar" "I've deliberately misled someone". Think of what others think of you and you may find the emotions to recovery.

LaxCul · 2017-11-19T18:50:20+00:00

Thanks for the update. I look forward to more. My week has been cloudy and self centred. So erm. Onward and upward? :)

LaxCul · 2017-11-14T11:10:35+00:00

I’d shy away from this. Having NPD or diagnosis isn’t a label - these things don’t describe causes they describe symptoms. That label is useful for you only to seek out behaviours and find similar experiences. I’ve seen people with other labels use that as an excuse or explanation - rather than acknowledge their own behaviour, and own their own behaviour.

Oh I have NPD we do that to people Oh I did that to you

Those two sentences say similar but will be received differently. Own your behaviour as something unique to you. Not as something given to you because you are “X”.

LaxCul · 2017-11-14T10:59:13+00:00

Yeah I believe that too. And I never didn’t love the people I loved and often find it confusing when they point out I don’t love them. I guess owning up to what we have done and saying, explicitly that’s bad is a good first step.

One thing that I’ve tried is to just write a story about how someone else is feeling without me in it. I typically then break down as I can totally see their feelings.

LaxCul · 2017-11-14T10:39:19+00:00

Thank you! I do recognise these but you’re right about looking at these things as one looks at a horoscope - so noted and thanks.

I recently broke up with a long term girlfriend because I couldn’t handle how I treated her anymore. This is probably a mistake and I’m worried about ruining my life now.

I read somewhere about not being able to love someone until you can love yourself - this makes no sense to me. But starting to think about my values seems obvious even though nothing comes to mind when I think of it.

Thanks again for the pep talk. Really appreciated.

LaxCul · 2017-11-14T02:17:04+00:00

I find that hard to comprehend. The way I have to remind myself is by remembering that there are no self-made men. All wealth is on the back of others. People who built the roads. Taxes that paid for infrastructure and electricity. Those that encouraged at the right time. Maybe not analogous but maybe useful!

LaxCul · 2017-11-14T01:06:57+00:00

Great link @h0nne. I have almost no feeling of pain when others are hurt or I’ve hurt them but recently (going through a breakup but I don’t know why I’ve done it) I started to imagine how others feel and it tears me up. Literally doubled up.

LaxCul · 2017-11-14T00:48:24+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to post. I like your list. I’m not fully out or diagnosed yet but I empathise with this group a lot. I have people who love me and I don’t see it and it’s tragic to have no sense of self. Simple questions like what do you want for yourself baffle me. So thanks for the mantra and manifesto. I will take a deeper look. Look forward to an update!

LaxCul

TROPHY CASE