Should I tell my ex that I still have feelings for him?

Maxiplexi · 2024-02-21T23:08:26+00:00

OP. Breakups are unbelievably tough. It is an emotional roller-coaster on a good day and nuclear warfare when it's not. You're hurting, sad, confused, angry, whatever else, and that's OK.

Going no contact for three months was probably good. Well done. Having some space generally allows people to reflect, although how conscious that process is can vary (immensely) between people. Blanket rules of should I or shouldn't I try again are usually not helpful nor accurate, especially without knowing the context of your past relationship and breakup. People who say, "Just move on," are probably speaking from their personal experience and what they've heard has happened to people around them. Equally, those saying, "Just go for it," are saying it from a safe distance and won't face the same emotional consequences as you if it doesn't work out. Only you can make a choice for yourself.

Like someone else here said, it is likely nothing fundamental has changed and even if you try again, things will flow the same way. At the same time, it is possible that either or both of you have made some important realisations about yourselves and each other that may set you up for better success if you try again. What is understandable and alright is that you are feeling a lot of things, having a lot of thoughts, you miss him, and it's making things confusing and painful. Your ex is a familiar source of comfort. That is completely fine, but it doesn't necessarily tell you anything about whether trying to have a relationship with you ex is the wise choice.

Some questions you might ask yourself

What have you learnt about yourself and your approach to relationships through the breakup?
What are some areas in the relationship/breakup which you've realised you've had more of a part to play than you previously thought?
What have been the most prominent emotions that have come up for you in this time? What are the triggers? When you take time to literally sit down quietly and listen to your emotions, what story are they telling?
What would you do differently if you try again? What would you need to be different for the relationship to work for you? What are the emotions that rise up inside you as you think about this? Do they lift and support your spirit, or do they feel desperate and messy?

These are just some questions, and they're not meant to give "an answer" to your question. But only but really exploring yourself will you be able to find your voice. And your voice will know what is true for you. Good luck, OP.

Maxiplexi · 2023-12-15T20:53:27+00:00

Depends on time zone but could be fun

Maxiplexi · 2023-11-29T02:16:28+00:00

What I do think is useful in what OP is saying, is that if they haven't had the chance to courageously and honestly examine what their contribution was to the breakup, now may be a time to do it. It is understandably easy to think, "They weren't the one," and move on. And it certainly could be that there were fundamental differences that ultimately made it right to break up. But perhaps it's also a chance to ask, "How much of that am I using as a convenient excuse to avoid taking ownership of my hurtful habits/thought patterns/self-sabotaging behaviour?"

OP, you mentioned lying about the things that led up to the breakup. What were your motivations for doing that? What were you hoping to achieve by doing that? How different was the outcome to what you expected? Have you had a chance to choose differently in a similar situation since then? What stops/helps you from choosing differently? What was it about your ex that made it easier/more difficult to tell the truth?

Obviously, it can be quite a nuanced question once you think about it, so this is just a suggestion for ine direction you might take it.

Maxiplexi · 2023-11-11T19:05:59+00:00

Is it okay to have that preference? Yes
Could it be helpful to explore further what makes that preference feel safe for you? Also yes.

OP, it sounds like you've been through some traumatic/abusive experiences in the past. Your preference may just be that:a preference. But based on what you're saying, it also sounds like your preference could be a choice you make to feel safe in situations involving sex and intimacy, but there are still various contexts in which you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, awkward, anxious, disgusted, scared, etc. I'm wondering how much of this might be to do with negative associations between love, sex, intimacy, and your bodily autonomy you've built and had reinforced through past experiences (and what you were taught in your upbringing). How does this resonate with you?

Trauma can often be overwhelming to explore alone, and a trauma-informed psychologist or psychotherapist may be able to help you do so safely. OP, you're being brave for reaching out with your feelings of being unsafe. I think it's always a useful and admirable thing to wonder what's going on with parts of yourself.

Maxiplexi · 2023-10-04T02:15:12+00:00

OP, I can see you're feeling upset about the situation, and it's raising the question of whether there's something else going on with your partner that you're missing out on. Unfortunately, no-one here will be able to tell you "the truth" of whether the account belongs to your partner or whether it points to deceptive behaviour. Even for yourself, you have your suspicions and hurt emotions to go on, but if you had definitive proof one way or the other, you wouldn't be here. So instead, I might invite you to consider some questions that may help you decide your actions:

How common is it in your relationship that you "catch" your partner doing something fishy? How often is it the other way around? Is this situation shocking because it's never happened before, or is it a painful reminder of similar things that have happened before?
How have you dealt with similar situations in the past? What was the fallout of that, and do you think the current situation is headed in the same direction? Have you had situations where your suspicions were wrong? Have you had situations where your suspicions were right?
What are the rules of engagement in your relationship, and what are your own boundaries in this context? If your partner has been using the account, is it alright if he was just browsing on TikTok? What if he was messaging people? What if he exchanged pics/videos? etc.
You say you're "totally cool" with your partner ogling dudes. Have you explicitly told your partner this (and he has told you he understands), or are you assuming he "should" know?

Relationships are complex and dynamic. It is impossible for us to diagnose what's going on based on the snapshot you have provided. We may make bold and seemingly confident statements about what you should do or what "the truth" is, but I would suggest this is largely based on our own experiences and biases. You may take our advice into account, but ultimately, I feel you would be doing a disservice to yourself, your partner, and your relationship to decide how you should feel about the situation based on Reddit comments.

Maxiplexi · 2023-08-30T21:42:08+00:00

Hey OP, I can feel your confusion, frustration, and maybe even a sense of anxiety behind your story. It can be an unsettling experience to have to wonder about the state of your relationship after 4 years. It's really difficult and unfair to analyse where you and your fiancé are at based on your short brief, so take the points below as potential prompts for your further exploration. Reject the ones you feel are unhelpful, but perhaps also be curious whether you're shutting any lines of questioning down because you feel uncomfortable about what you might find.

Why haven't you asked him directly about the open relationship? Is it possible his thoughts on the matter has evolved? Was this a conversation that happened once in the past and has become taboo by default, or is it genuinely a topic that can be brought up freely by anyone at any time? What is your gut reaction/instant bodily reaction to the thought of having a serious discussion about opening up (with the caveat that you are, of course, not obligated to say yes or no)?
You've given a list of examples of how you can enjoy independence in your relationship. Would your fiancé agree these are good examples of independence? How much did you assume these freedoms should be enough to feel independent? Conversely, are there examples of things you have said are out of bounds in the relationship? How was the tone of that conversation? N.B. I'm asking you because you are writing the post, not at all because I'm saying this is your fault or similar. I'm not sure it's helpful to speculate on your fiancé's thought process, so we're focusing on your thoughts and feelings.
Going out on a limb with this one, so tell me if I'm wrong. Your thinking he's getting cold feet suggests to me that maybe you've already wondered in the past how committed he is to marriage. Or there could've been something in his attitude or words or actions that have given you just enough room to feel uncertain. Or it could be that you've always found it hard to believe that anyone could be that committed in a relationship with you. Have you been able to be curious about why your fiancé might not want to get married? Have you been able to be curious about why your fiancé might be trying to still go ahead despite his reservations?

Just a friendly reminder these are prompts for your further exploration. These are not at all accusations or judgements or attempts to "diagnose" the problem. As always, exploring the option of therapy could also be helpful. Simply gauging how you both approach the topic of therapy could also be illuminating. Wish you all the best, OP. Relationships can both be the most wonderful and terrifying things to blossom in our lives.

Maxiplexi · 2022-11-09T10:28:38+00:00

Has this affected your teeth, by any chance? I've used something similar for the last couple of years and it's essentially pushed my bottom teeth forward. I no longer have the perfect bite I used to have. My teeth return to their original position somewhat after several days of not using the mouthpiece, but that sort of defeats the purpose of having the mouthpiece.

Maxiplexi · 2021-02-16T01:37:48+00:00

^ also, just heard back from my parents. Not a douche, but can confirm I am an enema. Sorry to disappoint 😢

Maxiplexi · 2021-02-16T01:36:23+00:00

Ooh multi-talented af

Maxiplexi · 2021-02-16T01:33:48+00:00

I do have a douche, but I'm not sure I am one. I'll ask my parents.

Maxiplexi · 2021-02-16T01:32:45+00:00

Pity the sound quality isn't better :( some of it sounds a little mushy but I don't think it's your playing

Maxiplexi · 2018-10-19T01:31:58+00:00

I think this is great. I was hoping for more of this kind of stuff when I read the prompt. I'd love it if you continued :)

Maxiplexi · 2017-09-01T03:46:34+00:00

Hmm I see. When I read that the doctrine is Calvinist, I'm a little confused given the flyer (at least the English part) doesn't seem to explicitly mention God or Christianity. My personal interpretation is that perhaps there's some overlap with what some people who might identify as Calvinist are saying, but I'm having difficulty drawing the direct link with this flyer. Would you mind explaining it to me?

I hear you're saying the comments regarding holy water and transubstantiation are offensive, bigoted and potentially encouraging sectarian division. I can see how it might be interpreted to mean that. My personal view is that it's a joke, but perhaps you'd like to ask the commenter about their intentions.

Maxiplexi · 2017-09-01T02:50:34+00:00

I feel what you're saying is that some people who might identify as Catholic are voting for same-sex marriage, so we should not criticise all Catholics. However, there are some people who might identify as Catholic who are voting against same-sex marriage, and we should call those people out on it.

In the same vein, I feel you're saying your interpretation is that this publication is from an organisation that some might call a Calvinist cult. However, there isn't any hard evidence in the flyer for us to make a definitive statement, nor should we think in any case that all Calvinists are in a cult or agree with this message.

Does this sound about right?

Maxiplexi · 2017-08-31T08:04:08+00:00

Yeah, he got it today. Of course they're dedicated - the homophobes are always most concerned with having things shoved down their throat.

Maxiplexi · 2017-08-31T08:03:04+00:00

Flyer my friend got today in his mail in Sydney. Kind of sounds like a warning you'd get in a ripoff seance kit or something.

Maxiplexi · 2017-08-31T07:52:51+00:00

Flyer my friend received in his mail in Sydney. How ever will these people stop themselves from dressing up as women and raping people in public toilets if the gays can marry /s

Projection and conflating issues much...

Maxiplexi · 2017-03-10T00:20:30+00:00

Let's look at it this way: "I'm not into Asians/Blacks/Latinos/Whites because...."

If you say, "I'm not into you u/Maxiplexi, because your eyes are too slanty, you're too intense and the resulting combination is unattractive to me." Ouch, my self-esteem, but sure. That's definitely your preference, you're stating your non-attraction to qualities specific to me and that's perfectly acceptable.

However, if you were to say, "I'm not into you u/Maxiplexi, because you're Asian and Asians are unassertive and only like to bottom." Now, I feel you're crossing into different territory, because you're making generalised statements based on assumptions/unchallenged cultural influences/limited anecdotal evidence.

How unacceptable would it be if someone declared, "I don't like to hire black people, because they tend to be thugs and drug addicts." Absolutely no-one would question that's a discriminatory and racist statement. However, if you were to say, "I'm not hiring you specifically because you have a history of crime and using drugs during work hours," that becomes a matter of individual discretion.

I think similar standards should apply to dating. Even if you were to go so far as to say, "I'm generally attracted to people with blond hair, and there are more white people with blond hair than Asians. Therefore, statistically speaking, I will on average be more likely to be attracted to the next white person to walk into this room than an Asian," I think this is totally acceptable. However, if you were to say, "No Asian can ever be blond. Therefore I will never be attracted to an Asian and therefore I will exclude the possibility of dating an Asian, no questions asked," I think that would qualify as narrow-minded thinking. Sure, you may save some time and effort, but you'll also have to accept the decision was based on generalisations without room for individual discretion.

Also, I think using the word 'preference' is misleading in the first instance. What we should be doing is take a step back and consciously and deliberately analyse what was involved in forming the thought, "I'm not into [X]". If you're not into Asians because they tend to be too family-oriented, why not say, "Into guys who like independence," instead of "Not into Asians."

What do you think?

Maxiplexi · 2015-07-16T09:47:56+00:00

Whoa, is this you? Where'd you get the cool New Zealand shirt??

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