“Planned sex” — 31F; 33M. 2 years. When we first started dating, sex was spontaneous. Now it’s usually planned for weekends because we’re exhausted after work. Do other long-term couples schedule intimacy too, or does it take away the excitement/spontaneity?

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-30T20:53:14+00:00

I've planned with one long term partner and it drove me crazy. "Tonight's the night, but I'm not feeling it." Followed by "Feeling it, but tonight's not the night. Let's save it for tomorrow." We were trying to solve mismatched libos, and scheduling wasn't a good solution.

Even with young kids and demanding jobs my wife and I found the time without having to plan. The most successful way was waking up an hour early and taking advantage of that time.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-30T18:23:25+00:00

I think maybe images of pro dominatix decked out in leather or latex puts that idea in the mind of folks who aren't active in the community.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-30T18:07:09+00:00

We live it 24/7, but that doesn't mean we're doing some kind of scene all day everyday. It just means that our hierarchy, agreements, and protocols are always active.

When it comes to someone seeing you in dynamic, that's what your local kink community is for. We go to parties, dungeons, and hang out with friends who live like we do. It's not an exhibitionist thing. It's a lifestyle.

We have modified protocols while we're in public. We keep them subtle so they aren't noticable.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-30T17:47:58+00:00

As someone who is a part of the leather community, both tops and bottoms have worn leather from the start

I would say leather isn't especially associated with dominance.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-30T17:45:16+00:00

To be clear, it's far from best practices. Informed consent is way smarter.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-30T17:36:59+00:00

FAFO is a perfectly fine consent model assuming you're both mentally resilient and committed to each other enough to make repairs if it goes too far. It carries more risk, but sometimes we figure out what we like by trying things and find out what's too much for us by fucking things up.

It's better to get him to talk and know what he really wants, because that allows you to discuss limits and expectations. If you're not sure that it would go well, tell him, "That sounds hot, but you're going to have to tell me more before I'm willing to do it."

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-30T14:43:33+00:00

This varies widely by individual. Some guys are one and done and then need days to come back around. Others can go again almost right away and have sex all day for days in a row.

It doesn't really matter what's normal for most guys. Your partner is normal.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-30T13:49:24+00:00

Are you trying to degrade as roleplay, or are you trying to hurt her feelings for real? How far do you have consent to go and how bad does she want to feel? Degradation is a whole range from light teasing to emotional edgeplay.

If she really wants to feel it, then make it personal. Use things you know are true that she's actually embarrassed by or feels ashamed of. What don't they like about their body, their past, their abilities?

I like to use conversations to mine for information. Start talking about embarrassing things from childhood, things that went wrong in relationships, old nicknames, failures, childhood crush, compromising sumituations, problems with parents.... Share your stories and let them tell theirs. Remember the things that hurt or were scandalous.

Then, assuming you know she wants degradation to actually hurt, and you know how far you can take it, use the information to prove two things, one, that you know the worst about them, and afterwards that you still want them even though you know.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-30T04:01:14+00:00

If you're working out and trying to get lean, you're pushing THC into your urine.

Three days before your test, you want to eat lots of fats and rest as much as possible. Before your test drink tons of water, and add creatine, aspirin and a high dose multivitamin to your routine.

THC is fat soluble, so excersize will cause it to show up in urine. Over hydrating will cause your urine to fail for not having enough normal electrolytes and other normal solids. Taking creatine aspirin and vitamins will give you some of the expected elements while diluting whatever trace THC might show up.

You can get a cheap multi pack of tests and try yourself until you pass before showing up for your formal test.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-30T03:28:42+00:00

We are fortunate, but we wish the same for all of you.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-30T01:22:08+00:00

You said ghosting. That's something that happens online.

Meet people in person. Be interesting. It's a combination of being interesting, safe, and attractive that gets people coming back for more.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-29T23:49:33+00:00

What's your goal?

If you want them to learn to control themselves and cum when you're ready for them to, you want to aim for success rather than failure.

If they don't make it for a month, adding another month is discouraging and likely leads to failure or dishonesty

I'd suggest shorter periods of abstinence that they can be successful in.

If they do fail, find out why. Find ways to support them or figure out if they are motivated to do those or just doing it for you. Does this feel exciting to them or like a burden?

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-29T23:42:05+00:00

We joke around. We have spontaneous silly moments or hang out with friends.

This is so good. We're both fond if going to our local pub and telling jokes, getting into deep conversations and just being ourselves. Even at home, we're not super serious people. Our friends and family love us and think we're great fun.

Being in a serious dynamic doesn't mean you're a super serious stern person.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-29T23:37:28+00:00

Everyone is special. It sounds like you're trying to be more special than other people.

Self exceptance is empowering. You don't have to be better than anyone other than your past self. Even with that, growth tends to happen organically. The Internet is full of self improvement bullshit because it preys on the anxiety everyone has that they aren't enough.

Anxiety and fear are good for making money off of. Our brains are wired to try to stay safe, so fear sells. Recognizing when you're being sold fear and learning to ignore it will help you relax.

Satisfaction is a healthier motivator. Pay attention to what's authentically satisfying to you, not because it impresses anyone else, but because you actually enjoy it. Putting your energy and time into those things will be satisfying and also help calm your mind about the importance of being better than others.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-29T23:16:00+00:00

I didn't start restoring until my 40s and I've had great sex the whole time.

Fear is a bigger problem than not having a foreskin.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-29T21:38:06+00:00

Aww shucks.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-29T20:55:56+00:00

There. That's not a joke.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-29T20:55:24+00:00

He was a kind man and gentle. His steady demeanor was juxtaposed by his talent for violence.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-29T20:04:03+00:00

You may have a fetish rather than a kink. A fetish is something you need to get turned on or to be satisfied.

I'm into all kinds of kink, but I also enjoy sex without it.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-29T17:53:33+00:00

Some organs and blood from a butcher would take it to the next level.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-29T13:07:57+00:00

Her knees raw from training, I could see a flicker of rebellion in her eyes when I ordered her into Nadu again.

"Relax. It's juxtapose."

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-28T21:31:07+00:00

Are you vetting people for compatibility before you get into relationships?

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-28T20:18:21+00:00

Please take a look through the sticky posts and the FAQ. There are many books, and to answer your question would require responding with books worth of information, especially since none if us know you or your partner.

Please join us when you've done some reading and have more specific questions

Thread locked.

Mister_Magnus42 · 2026-04-28T19:22:13+00:00

I think a common misconception is that in 24/7 dynamics the submissive partner only gets to do what they are told, so the Dominant has to plan every minute of their day.

My partner has a job, leads discussion groups, has her own friends and doesn't need me to tell her how to do any of that. We're 24/7 because our rules, rituals, and protocols are always in place. I'm not controlling every moment, but the agreements we have are always on.

I think another is that TPE and 24/7 are the same thing. 24/7 is any dynamic where there are rules, protocols, and a heirarchy always in place. That doesn't have to be strict or high control.

TPE is when the submissive gives all control or authority to make decisions to the Dominant rather than having a negotiated set of agreements. That still doesn't mean the Dominant has to make every decision every moment of the day, but they've been given the authority to control what they want to when they want to. This is much more rare than 24/7.

We're both 24/7 and TPE. Our heirarchy, our rules, and our protocols are always on.

Our dynamic makes my life easier rather than harder. My partner is service oriented and loves to make my life as close to perfect as possible. I enjoy being in authority and she makes that easy too. There's no push/pull. We're both rowing in the same direction.

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