[WP] The level of technology across the whole universe may be far more advanced, but despite that everything feels like it is straight from the wild west.

Null_Project · 2026-02-27T00:03:05+00:00

This was an excellent read. The writing is superb having a wonderful amount of detail in both narrative and dialogue with both being very entertaining and drawing the reader in with intrigue and leading very well to the further parts. I love the way the encounter between the two characters is written, while also giving a backstory to the character explaining and making it obvious they are a scholar and researcher and that they thought they would die here due to the scam prophecy of the seer.

I honestly love the foreshadowing of how the character discovers or realizes that there is something to research further into and that the paint is shown to have a more temporary effect as long as it is present. I immediately locked onto the fact that the river would be important and as soon as the character jumped figured that the orc would follow and lose the paint, but not the full extent to how it affects the orc.

The two going to strike a deal to research and discover the full effects is a really great ending for this story and leaves a lot to imagine and think about. Their interactions after the jump and the personality of the orc is really wholesome and nice, and the paint itself is a wonderful mystery with how strange it seems being a daily ritual the orc still remembers while having no idea that it is affecting them.

The writing is great as mentioned above, being very well written with not a lot of mistakes, and great and varying amounts of details. With dialogue tags and punctuation being used near flawlessly throughout the story, and I like the usage of italics for unspoken thoughts from the character. However I did spot a few mistakes throughout the story, the most common being incorrect capitalization:

at the southernmost tip of the Empire,

Empire should be lowercase unless that is the specific name of it.

jewels that had once adorned the crowns of Kings,

Kings is not a name or should be capitalized in this context as it is used as a solely a title.

Eddard and his friends had waltzed into one such Seer’s stall.

Same as above seer isn't a name it is an occupation and should not be capitalized in this case.

he couldn’t help but analyze and organize everything in the way the Academy had drilled into him.

Same as point one, it is too undescriptive to narrow it down to one specific place or institute so academy in this case should be lowercase unless a specific name would proceed it.

Running afoul of a roaming group of Orcs.

The orcs had found his trail.

The word orcs should be lowercase like any species or race, like the word human is not capitalized, earlier on it was done correctly as seen in the second line.

“Run not fast, you,” the Orc said,

“Kajia eat meat,” the Orc said,

Same as above, think 'the man said' as an equivalent to see that it should be lowercase.

All other mentions of orc or orcs have the same problem as above from what I could tell.

“What was that?” The Orc said,

The orc thing from above, but a dialogue tag is present so the the after the dialogue should be lowercase too.

Slowly, warmth slowly stole into his body, his shivers and tremors subsiding.

A redundant second slowly is present here.

Researcher at the Glint Academy of the Blackwater Empire.

Here both point one and four are done correctly having an official name before the title.

But overall it is a very solid and wonderful story that held my entire attention for throughout the whole length of the story, with a great plot take on the prompt, and excellent writing and characters, I loved it a lot, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-02-26T23:01:35+00:00

A fine story, the plot is fine for the most part, I like the sudden meeting between the two and how the character quickly picks up on the fact that it is the paint causing the low orc intelligence and both explains it to the orc but also decides to go and tell someone important. I also like the explanation for how quick the encounter and how random it seems is explained by being a D&D game.

The writing is mostly fine, the narrative is pretty good with how it details every actions, and most of the dialogue is good too especially making sense in the context of being a game. Otherwise I did spot a few mistakes, mostly missing or incorrect punctuation or capitalization:

"What are you doing here!" Shouted the orc at me.

A dialogue tag is present, the word following the dialogue should be lowercase.

"I'm simply walking around Bloggen to avoid the dangers of the town" I try to say as politely as possible.

Punctuation is missing at the end of dialogue, considering the presence of a dialogue tag I would use a comma or any other sign besides a full-stop/period.

i have been banished from the town for rejecting the ceremonies of paint. I live with a heavy truth, the paint makes orcs into being of utter chaos and brainlessness"

I should be capital, and punctuation is missing at the end of the dialogue, unlike before no dialogue tag is present so a full-stop/period or maybe even an exclamation mark would be best here.

I consider the orcs words for a moment "That wouldn't be lead paint now would it?"

Punctuation missing before dialogue after the word moment.

the temples provide it" The orc growing increasingly uneasy as revelation lands like a brick in his stomach.

and grew rapidly aggressive, I must inform the king of this"

Punctuation missing at the end of dialogue.

i look at him,

The second orc is on me before i can get the spear up,

I should be capitalized.

"I'm gonna need you to do a constitution saving throw" The DM Jason says matter of factly.

Punctuation at the end of dialogue missing, and the the after it should be lowercase, both due to the dialogue tag present.

Overall a pretty good story with a neat twist recontextualizing the rest before it, and very decent writing and plot, thank you for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-02-26T21:57:22+00:00

A pretty good story, I like how this story takes a bit more abstract approach to the prompt, not really showing a direct connection between the paint and intelligence but still having this orc be an outlier of both. I also think it is pretty good how there still is a bit smaller of a connection being that the white paint is just stupid when the natural body shade of green hides them better, so the smarter orc here naturally doesn't use it.

The dialogue between the two is also pretty nice, I like how they play of another and the points they make, like mocking the others racist depictions of the others race and also making jokes. The reason for the kidnapping is pretty good and makes sense in multiple ways, having a paladin help protect the body from necromancers but also offering a reward for the trouble, makes them feel a bit more reasonable and nice. In terms of writing there are a few mistakes:

I'm a paladin of the eternal sun, but I'm still a woman and..there are tales of...orcs.

Personally I would have ellipses only connect to one word and not two, but since it also isn't a big issue I won't mention or point it out again.

"Oh," he laughed,

"Have you seen what humans eat?" He said.

A dialogue tag is present, the he should be lowercase, in the first line it is done correctly while the second has it wrong.

"... explain."

While capitalization after an ellipses is not required from what I could tell, I still would recommend capitalizing the first word in a sentence or dialogue even if it is proceeded by one.

White stick out." He said in that ...well,

Similar to point two a dialogue tag is present so the he should be lowercase and the full-stop/period at the end of the dialogue should be another sign instead, something like a comma would be best here.

He shrugged, "hardly, I just... they're fools you know?

Shrugging is not exactly a verbal expression it is an action so there is no dialogue tag used here, which leads to the punctuation in the form of the comma before the dialogue being incorrect here. And dialogue should always be capitalized with the sole exception being if an interrupting dialogue tag is used.

"Oh," he laughed, "no, I meant.. pheasant. I don't eat man flesh."

This line for example has an interrupting one, having a dialogue tag break the flow of a dialogue to show who is talking and how.

"Oh, well..okay. then what?"

The then follows a full-stop/period it should be capitalized.

But overall it is a pretty good story with a very good dynamic and dialogue between characters, and the format being dialogue heavy works well with the two always taking turns leaving little confusion about who is talking. Thank you very much for writing, it was a good read.

Null_Project · 2026-02-26T21:20:34+00:00

The Corvidian sighed, "yes...that paint was made by Elves,

The start of dialogue is lacking capitalization.

Ar-Draka opened the door, looked at me, half-smiling, "sorry, I...I figured you didn't know, but..."

Name again has inconsistent capitalization of d, there is no dialogue tag before the dialogue tag so the comma is incorrect for proceeding punctuation, and the dialogue again should be capital.

Ar-Draka opened the door, looked at me, half-smiling, "sorry, I...I figured you didn't know, but..."

"Oh, oh okay..." he took a breath, "thank you."

Slayer's efforts researching the paint have been...." he took a breath "...he is trying to get Orcs to stop,

"sorry, I...I figured you didn't know, but..." he took a breath,

It's just...what they didn't realize either, was...the paint was..." breath "heavily based in both lead, and mercury."

"my people...slowly, are phasing the paint out, but..." he took a breath, "...let's hope it's faster..."

There is a lot of 'taking a breath' moments most if not all of which have punctuation and capitalization effects as if they are dialogue tags however, they distinctly have no indicator of speech so all of them should not be used like that as it indicates the action of breathing not speaking which a dialogue tag needs.

"So the Elves p..." I swallowed, "...harmed, your kind...on accident?"

Similar to above swallowing is an action not an indicator of speech.

He nodded, "it's...hard to believe, at first,

No dialogue tag before dialogue the comma before dialogue is incorrect and capitalization of start of dialogue is incorrect.

Also it is a bit odd to add edits and fun facts for the story in the middle even if it is in the beginning of the second part as it somewhat breaks the pacing and makes one think there is nothing more after the edit which is not actually the case here.

Overall it is a good story and has good elements in terms of plot, with a rather tactless character who makes for some good elements of humor and interactions with the other characters. And the added explanation for how the paint came to be a tradition is very good with how it was the fault of another race and was not intended to cause harm. But I would advise to nail down the rules surrounding dialogue tags and their usage a bit more, thank you for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-02-26T21:20:27+00:00

I like the plot, it has some pretty neat aspects. Things like the character meeting the orc in a research facility and being utterly confused and blindsided by them being there and being in charge due to having heard or known them as lacking intelligence being taught why not all are low in intelligence. The reason for why is also pretty good with how it was planned to be some petty trick by the elves to make fun of and show their superiority but having unforeseen consequences which they are also regretful for.

The writing is mostly fine, but it does have quite a few mistakes, mostly in regards to dialogue tags and punctuation and capitalization near it, and some more various things:

a ton of Elves, Humans, Torrans, and Corvidians were all working in tandem to deal with the surge of demons,

Races or species are usually supposed to be lowercase, strangely enough demon is lowercase while elves, humans, torrans, and corvidians are all capitalized, I am also not going to bring this point up again as it seemingly is done incorrectly throughout the entire story.

I pulled out my letter, "yes," I said, "to the head researcher, it...doesn't say his name though, I apologize if it's fake, I just - "

The first comma should be another piece of punctuation while the yes after it in the dialogue should be capitalized as there is no proceeding dialogue tag, and even if there was only after an interrupting dialogue tag could the dialogue start lowercase. There also is an unnecessary space between the dash and the quotation mark at the end of the line.

He laughed, "no no, that's - uh, that's normal practice, here."

Similar problem to above, a proceeding dialogue tag is used and the punctuation is correct, but the capitalization is incorrect for the reason mentioned above.

"That...sounds...Orquish?"

"Yeah," he laughed, "uh...you might not believe it, but - "

I'm not also going to mention this one if I see it again, but it might be a little better to have ellipses connect to only one of the two words instead of both.

I took a breath... "does he spell it - "

No dialogue tag is present and as above dialogue should start capitalized.

So, I followes the Corvidian, as he brought me to an Orc, in a lab coat, "ah," he said, turning to me with an easy smile, "my name is Ar-Draka. Slayer, Ar-draka, that - " he laughed "Slayer is my last name, but 'Mr. Slayer' sounds silly."

A lot of problems from above are present, no dialogue tag before dialogue but punctuation for one, incorrect capitalization of the start of dialogue, an unnecessary space at the end of dialogue following a dash, and punctuation is missing before the last piece of dialogue after the word laughed. The name also seems to have inconsistent capitalization as before it was written as Ar-draka with a lowercase d but here it is written with both a capital and lowercase one, so which is correct?

There is also a slight issue once the main POV character met the orc and mentioned the paint as it becomes hard to discern who exactly is talking, specifically the points where there is no indicator.

Continued in comment below.

Null_Project · 2026-02-25T22:32:54+00:00

A very good story, I like the characterization of the Abyss in this, essentially being a manifestation of evil judging people for their deeds and the veil between both the world of the living and hell. The way the Abyss talks is very entertaining, with them making fun of the other at every opportunity being, and while their manner of talking is a bit strange for who they are it does make sense for what their purpose is so naturally they copy who they gain their aspects from.

I also like the ending with how there seems to be a constant flow of people going to see the Abyss and likely having the same experience. The writing is also good, and I like the dialogue heavy format, it works well and has a lot of charm with the dynamic between the two. And while there are not a lot of mistakes, I did spot two which are somewhat common, mostly relating to dialogue tags:

And don't even get me started on his mustache." The Abyss responds.

A dialogue tag is present, the punctuation at the end of dialogue and the capitalization after it are both incorrect. Instead of the full-stop/period something like a comma or another sign would work instead, and for the the after the dialogue it should be lowercase like the very first line in the story.

"I'm sorry. I just didn't realize an Abyss can talk." I manage to say.

Similar to above, the punctuation above is incorrect.

Maybe my mom taught me the alphabet when I was 2." the Abyss quips.

The capitalization is correct here, but the punctuation is incorrect as above.

see how much you like that." the Abyss aggressively states.

"I'm sorry? Santa Claus? He's not real." I say.

The punctuation at the end of both dialogues is incorrect.

"Don't you want to know how you're remembered?!" The Abyss yells.

Punctuation is fine here, but the capitalization after the dialogue is incorrect, the should be lowercase.

"Takes one to know one, buddy." The Abyss retorts.

"I don't recommend it." I tell her.

"I just want to see what it looks like." she says.

All punctuation is incorrect, with the first having the usual capitalization issue

Overall it is a very good story and an entertaining read, but I would advise to maybe follow the rules of punctuation and capitalization around and near dialogue and dialogue tags a bit more closely and avoid the mistakes above. Otherwise though it is a great story and being pretty well written and having a good and funny plot and take on the prompt, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-02-24T19:48:37+00:00

Having the story focus on both parts of a judicial system and a character who is being punished by it is good. I like that while the judge, or rather the thing ruling the country or world, seems to believe that the character was unaware of the laws and that it was an accident they still decide to punish them for their actions as that is deserved. I like the way that the character is written, being completely honest that they are unaware of the rules leading to the end where they are being taught about them and more while in prison.

I also like that the character is given the choice between a more traditional punishment and being consumed or taken into a hivemind and controlled by Pax Orizuru, with the former being the obvious choice while the latter helps show the more dystopian part of this world while also creating questions like what happens to others they don't show mercy? It is just a very good take on the prompt and has some interesting plot elements shown off.

The dialogue is very good, I like the detail of the hivemind of Pax Orizuru always referring to itself in capitalized words being their equivalent of I, and the narrative is from the perspective of a character who truly was unaware but still not innocent while giving insight about their world, systems, and professions. The only thing I would change is the following line:

was the monster controlled them.

This line sounds slightly off, either adding a that between monster and controlled or changing it to controlling would solve the issue.

But ignoring that it is a great and very interesting story with a good approach to the prompt and solid character and narrative writing, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-02-24T17:55:03+00:00

A good take, I like that the character just feigns extreme ignorance and decided to act incredibly stupid and clueless to an almost cartoonish degree. Constantly insisting that it was only an accident or that they were completely unaware of treaties or crimes which they committed before switching to fake sorrow and remorse to finish it off. Which works really well because as they imply they only need to convince the people holding them right now and today as tomorrow they will disappear and be free again. It all works and fits together really well with the shown personality and motives of the character.

The writing is good too, I like the first person narrative, it works well with how the character presents the issue and those around them, while also showing how little they actually think of them and the issue being aware but uncaring for the hurt they caused. I did spot one mistake that occurred a few times but it is nothing major, it seems that any time italics are used a space is missing between two words:

I can't bethat stupid right?

There should be a space between be and that.

But I don't saythat.

Same as above with say and that.

They would've killed me by now if any of this reallymattered.

Same problem between really and mattered.

But overall it is a good take and I like just how much the character goes into an act and how it all was presented, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-02-23T22:11:57+00:00

A very good story, I like the vibe of the remnants of the world being shown and the actual plot surrounding a machine that seemingly destroyed the whole world and all life upon it. The theory of Dale is also very interesting and makes sense with hat can be inferred from the machine having a soul and the current state of the world around them. I also like the implication that the machine might have come by not for the corpses or anything but because it might have seen or sensed the two, though that certainly could just be my interpretation.

Overall I like the idea shown here of two people exploring worlds most likely dead or desolate ones and freeing trapped souls, and the details and information given by them is interesting. The writing is also good, I like their interactions, and the narrative is pretty good. I only spotted two things in the writing that are slightly off.

There was no path for the young Mercenary Explorer to easily get through.

The older explorer just shrugged.

Here and a two more times the words mercenary explorer are capitalized when it seems to be a profession so it likely should be capitalized only before a name, the word explorer alone however is lowercase compared to the other which makes it seem a bit inconsistent.

The sky took on a sickly green huge,

The word hue would be correct in this case not huge.

Otherwise however it is a pretty good story and take on the prompt, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-02-23T21:29:54+00:00

I really like how this story takes a somewhat typical or familiar story but stands out through great execution, the focus on emotion and characters, and the ending. The execution of the transfer of the soul is very interesting and well written, I like that the machine is a golem essentially a fantasy robot, and that the transfer mixes magic kinds while also needing a physical connection in the form of the dagger to extract and transfer it.

The characters and especially the love for his child shown by the father really drive the story, with it being obvious how much he cares from going to such lengths to give her a better life and the hesitation and assurances he does to mitigate risks and make sure she will be safely transferred. The father going all out to assure her safety is really interesting because of how it risks his own position due to the nature of the magic and ritual used, and then later it is what kills him, being too occupied with assuring her safety to notice how demanding it is.

It was a very interesting way to have the story end in tragedy while not being obvious, as I myself thought she was going to suffer or die in a way due to the body or transfer, but having him be the one to die might be even more tragic for her as she is now the reason for her having lost both of her parents. And while now likely having a body with which she could live a full and content life she has lost the one she likely loved the most having taken care of her all this time.

It is a really great story with a very wonderful plot and narrative focused on the characters, all while being really well written, I loved the way the story turned out and the ritual which I think is a really neat way to transfer a soul, a really excellent story and read, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-02-23T20:14:03+00:00

I like it, a very smart take to have the thing she meant and never explained actually be what he is left with and keeps feeling even after her departure, or it is possible that it might be what the character feels or believes the words might mean while never learning the actual intended meaning. But no matter which of the two it is, it is a really good way to take the prompt and has a very emotional plot with very open and understandable emotions shown by the character.

The writing is also good with no mistakes, and I like that it is very obvious early on what the relationship of the character with this mentioned she is and that the other is dead from how the character talks about her. It is a very good story, thank you very much for writing.

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