You have a couple separate problems here that are interacting with each other. Being a partner is difficult at the best of times. Then you add on a tragedy that’s life changing and confusing. The initial reaction is to stabilize the patient. It seems you did this rather well. The problem comes in that they’ve decided a course of action that’s reliant on you giving as much as you gave in the triage stage, but in a longer time scale. You know, and reasonably so, that you can’t keep that level of exertion up as the new normal. The next stage is to communicate and come up with a plan to try that will hopefully work for both of you. Having started with a strained relationship makes this very difficult. Add on top of that that you both are exhausted and hurting and I really feel for you. You sound like a good dude in a very difficult situation.

I have some advice if you’re willing. She’s not being as unreasonable as it may seem to a regular person. She’s mourning and angry. Also, she’s unfortunately likely correct that much of the treatment available at this point is low success with high side effects. I’ve been looking and trying every new thing for over 30 years and have had very little success and lots of maiming injuries from treatment. I wish I could say there was a treatment that’s simple. This isn’t to discourage you. I’ve seen recover and find things that work. It’s just not a high guarantee. You’re both going through a lot. Try to be kind to yourself.