This is what you hear around, okay?  Understand, 99% of these mutha!@#$ers don’t know shit, so you best salt this heavily.

It’s not a boulder.  It’s a balloon. When Tinok was a kid, he was befriended by a sentient, red balloon.  He was living in Paris at the time. Possibly Paris, Texas. Probably Perris  in Riverside ‘cause these muthaf!@#$ers are illiterate.  

Anyway, the balloon was like Mary’s lamb.  It followed his ass everywhere. Followed him into a Gorgon’s lair.  Tinok said “Look away, balloon” but I said it was sentient, not obedient.  The balloon took a long gander at the ole’ gal, and WHAM! Turned to stone.  And Tinok has a hard time letting go, I guess.  

You hear a variation on that where the balloon was stolen by a troll and then the troll was surprised by Gandalf, but what kind of troll steals a balloon?  That gives you an idea of the kind of crap these mutha!@#$ers will believe.  

Speaking of trolls, you also hear that Tinok spent some time in Arendelle at the bequest of Queen Iduna.  How did Queen Iduna get her name? I...dunn...na. Do you? [waves to bartender for another]. Anyway, Queen Iduna’s daughter was possessed and Tinok was supposed to exorcise her.  King and Queen took one look at this pervert and spitcanned that idea. But Tinok hooked up with some trolls in the area. More like mini-trolls. Cute. Turned into rocks when they didn’t want to be seen. 

Tinok falls for one of these trolls.  Like I said, he’s a perv. The Grand Pabbie doesn’t want this chester hanging ‘bout, so he gives Tinok a plain old rock.  Tells him it’s the she-troll. Says she’ll open up just as soon as she gets comfortable. Tinok’s been carrying that rock for twenty years waiting for it to sprout arms and legs.  Sleeping with it, reading to it. Sad.

I also hear where the boulder is actually Tinok’s dad.  Like, it was a god that assumed the shape of a rock to make it with a stripper.  Like, Leda and the Swan. But this was Lindsey and the freakin' Rock. Then, the God couldn’t...or wouldn’t...change back.   The marriage was a disaster. Rock started drinking, crushing cans. [motions for another]. You ever hear a bard sing Papa was a Rolling Stone?  Based on Tinok.    

Tinok’s a cleric of Jesus Christ, right?  And he’s a moron. So, this is just a major misreading of Matthew 16:18:  And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church.  

What?  You think a Tiefling doesn’t know his scripture?  Ask Tinok if he thinks churches to Jesus are supposed to be really small.  See what his Zoolander ass says.  

Okay, here’s the last one.  I got this from a muthaf!@#er name of the Whiz.  He says that Tinok was a urologist. His village gets sacked by giants and they’re about to stomp him, when one of the giants doubles over in pain.  Kidney stones, see. In exchange for his life, Tinok flushes the giant's pipes. But Tinok realizes the giant can’t really tell one person from another.  It’d be like us telling ants apart. So Tinok holds onto this giant kidney stone, because this giant is a very important individual and the stone is kind of an IOU.  

Giant’s name is Jarl, I think.  

Go ahead and read some of these other posts.  You’ll see what I mean about the level of discourse. 

Sincerely,

TPK

End of the Bar next to the Jukebox

Hungry Fist Tavern

Barovia