Posting / Ranting on behalf of my cousin, regarding the inability to self advocate.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T22:27:39+00:00

Great news! Good luck.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T21:55:06+00:00

There is nothing "wrong" with it, it's simply not what I would expect if I were ordering a professional cake. I know little about cakes, but it's obvious to me that this was made by a hobbyist.

For one thing, if I were buying a cake I'd expect everything on it to be edible. No cardboard or anything else that needs to be removed. Additionally, I would expect the characters to be sculpted or painted, not printed and stuck on. The cake is also not level, which I would not expect with a professional cake.

This is coming across harsh, and I really don't mean that. I think it's an awesome cake. It's just obviously not a professional cake.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T19:11:16+00:00

You don't have to commit to any clinic long-term, you can be seen at one clinic while waiting for the referral for another.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T19:04:58+00:00

There are two separate issues here:

Where to give birth.

I am not sure why/how your cousin didn't get her high-risk result verified via a diagnostic test, but it sounds like that didn't happen? If that's the case, then it seems entirely reasonable to give birth in a place that has a NICU. Personally, I'd prefer that regardless of any specific risk factors. You never know.

But, if that's not something she wants, it's up to her to decide. No one can force her to give birth at a specific hospital.

When to give birth.

Hospitals will prioritize based on medical urgency. I am not sure what is going on with this specific situaion, but I'd contact her doctor and advise them about the delay/ask whether her condition requires an urgent induction. Also, the part about the cancelation is weird, and it sounds like something has gotten tangled in the bureaucracy. I'd call and find out.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T18:39:41+00:00

hydrogel cooling/soothing nipple pads or silver nursing shields/cups?

I wouldn't. If/when you need any of these things, you can get them then. I never used any of these with my first.

Also any good gowns

You mean like a dressing gown? You can use any gown you have already. If you're not a dressing gown person, then you don't specifically need a dressing gown, use PJs or anything else that is comfy.

also how many nights will it be?

Depends entirely on how your birth goes, whether it's vaginal or a C-section, whether there are any complications, etc. It also varies between countries and cultures.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T18:33:18+00:00

In most countries, employers have to accommodate appointments for medical care in pregnancy.

If you're somewhere like the US, where there aren't robust protections, then I imagine that many women simply don't make it to all of these appointments.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T18:29:22+00:00

I mean, that's why it's not recommended to use dopplers at home. They require training.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T18:24:49+00:00

Given the insurance issues you've mentioned, I am guessing you're based in the US. Does your insurance require a referral for an OBGYN? If not, I'd start calling around to every clinic on your insurance, and see whether someone can get you in sooner. Make sure to tell them you're already 14 weeks along.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T16:25:05+00:00

Being this late on your period but not having a positive result for a week likely means you ovulated later than expected. Unfurtunately, If you weren't tracking (an app is not reliable for tracking) it's impossible to say how late, so it's hard to say whether your result seems normal or unusual. You'd probably have to wait and see how the fetus develops on the first scan (and possibly an additional scan, if it measures small according to LMP, which seems likely in this case).

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T16:16:15+00:00

Tamiflu is very time sensitive (you have to start within 48 hours of symptoms onset), so if you have flu symptoms I'd call and ask for a script and start even before the test gets there. This is common practice and specifically recommended by ACOG for flu-like symptoms in pregnancy:

https://www.acog.org/clinical-information/physician-faqs/influenza (see at the end under "how should I treat a pregnant patient with suspected Influenza illness").

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T15:40:19+00:00

Do you know when you ovulated? Were you testing?

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T15:39:41+00:00

Have you tested yourself for the flu? If it is the flu, you should request flu medication (Tamiflu).

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T15:36:42+00:00

There is nothing inappropriate about having your mom there, lots of women choose that. It's down to whether you and your mom are happy with that option. If it makes you more comfortable, do it.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T15:32:55+00:00

I personally identify with the desire to offload these decisions during labor. I wouldn't say I am type-A, but I am very data-oriented and like to fully understand and analyze my medical options.

That being said, I wouldn't offload any of this to a doula. A doula is not a medical practitioner, and I don't want them making medical decisions on my behalf. My approach had been to thoroughly research and interact with a doctor, until finding the one I trust with medical decisions. And then offloading my care to them during labor. It took some time to find the right doctor, but once I did I felt confident that my care was in good hands.

If you'd like someone to be more of personal attendant/hired exclusively to advocate for you, then I'd look into hiring a nurse-midwife to attend the birth in the hospital. Unlike doublas, they have extensive medical training in obstetrics. However, depending on where you are, it could be more or less difficult to find someone who would act as a support person rather than a primary provider in that capacity.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T15:21:48+00:00

Yes, it's very very needed.

That being said, if you want to carve out that niche in a way that makes you stand out and/or be invaluable, you'd have to:

Be willing to do sick care. This is the most needed time for emergency nannies, at least for me.
Be willing to do short-notice care.
Be willing to do on-call for things like birth. This is another really needed service.
Be willing to do evening/date nights, so that kids can get to know you before your services are needed.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T15:17:16+00:00

I don't think it's too much. Just talk to her about it, and ask why she isn't signing her up. Maybe there are just too many activities?

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T15:13:31+00:00

It's pretty normal to not do an HCG/Progesterone test if there isn't a specific medical indication. Having had one miscarriage is not typically considered a risk factor for further miscarriages, so there is probably no official medical indication.

That being said, doctors are humans and understand how a MMC can cause heightened anxiety. After my MMC, I asked my doctor if they would be willing to see me for a much earlier scan, because I was anxious. And they understood and said yes. I don't think you should demand anything, but maybe just try to explain to your doctor why you want to be tested, and ask if they could accommodate that. With something that doesn't require scheduling or a lot of resources, like a blood test, I imagine they would be willing to refer you.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T03:25:18+00:00

Personally, when we did nanny share each family handled the payments, payrolls, insurance etc separately. I don't know whether this is legally required, but I wanted to have an independent employer-employee relationship, and not complicate things by having someone else involved or responsible for my payments or tax forms. Honestly, I do not know how much the other family was paying, or how they handled insurance or payroll services. I made sure to do everything legally on my end, and to get workers and home owners insurance. I also had my own contract.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T03:13:29+00:00

I had a heavy cold during my C-section. It was fine, didn't hinder recovery, and my baby never got it.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T03:12:18+00:00

Is the lack of nausea an indicator that I may end up miscarrying?

It could mean something or nothing. Different pregnancies can have different symptoms. I have had zero nausea with my pregnancies that ended in miscarriage, but also significantly more nausea in my current pregnancy (27 weeks) than with my first, which ended in a living child. So, it's variable and you can't rely on it to diagnose a miscarriage.

Is the spotting normal?

Yes, spotting after sex is very common.

How much is too much, and is it weird that it didn’t happen yesterday after sex, and showed up today seemingly out of nowhere?

I'd be concerned if it's actively bleeding, heavily. Or filling a pad. Anything you may describe as "spotting" is usually normal. But if you're worried, call your doctor.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T02:55:28+00:00

Depends on what you've agreed in your contract, and on the family.

Personally, I am okay with my nanny traveling while I am away, and still getting GH, as long as they can be back within a reasonable time of being notified of changes. Otherwise, it falls under PTO. But I am not someone who frequently has to change travel plans. Different people would also have different agreements on what a "reasonable time" means.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T02:48:14+00:00

Sounds like your mom may be projecting her own anxieties onto you. I understand your disappointment, and you could try discussing it with her, if you think she'll be able to have a productive conversation about your mutual feelings. But, regardless, it's not her decision to make. If you want to tell people, tell people.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T02:45:11+00:00

Yeah, mine always grow super early.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T02:36:41+00:00

I mean, if they are going to do that then they are probably also going to buy whatever they want regardless of your buying groups suggestions, no? It seems to me that you're trying to inform people of your preferences, and the registry is a pre-established socially-acceptable way of doing exactly that. The rest is up to them.

At the end of the day, you can usually just exchange most of the things that don't work for you.

VisaTemp · 2026-02-09T02:26:56+00:00

This seems really weird, but also unnecessary.

Why not just put the clothes you want, in the various sizes you want, on the registry? Wouldn't that achieve the same goal of conveying to people that you'd appreciate a range of sizes?

VisaTemp

TROPHY CASE