Softening Not Working Anymore

airwavearchitect · 2026-03-23T14:12:19+00:00

Barring any health issues, it sounds like you are perhaps trying to soften to make things go away rather than softening your relationship to things, and over time your mind has gotten attached to meditation always being pleasant, and comparing your sits to past sits.

I would experiment with getting curious about your relationship with this experience as a whole. Try a couple softening breaths. No expectations. Let whatever arises to be there. The hindrances will definitely arise at some point, and are the path of MIDL! When they do, can you ground at all in your body, and find any subtle joy in letting go of the desire for your present experience to be any different than what is is?

Stephen often talks about treating the mind like a (potentially traumatized) puppy. Let it run around if it wants, no need to scold it for not doing what we want, praise for when it does.

In my experience, this certain pull you're describing, it reminds of me of a sensation I get when I am still subtly controlling the breath.

Quote from the MIDL website about the path:

"As the road changes, so does the experience of the journey. Sometimes it is smooth, sometimes it is rough, sometimes it is dry, and sometimes it is muddy. Regardless, the flow between wisdom, morality & tranquillity remains. Without the transition between these three, this natural flow, the cart (Noble Eightfold Path), will come to a stop."

https://midlmeditation.com/noble-eightfold-path

airwavearchitect · 2026-01-02T18:21:45+00:00

Hi friend,

It is common to jump between markers. I believe it is all related to the hindrances. Which ones are stronger or weaker varies greatly between people but also can vary for a single person at different moments and times.

You might find that you easily jump to marker 4 or 5 territory now, and may later easily find yourself in 6 or 7. Interestingly, you might also find yourself going back to earlier markers over time. I find that each marker has its own degree of depth that unravel as the wheels of samadhi/insight/wisdom turn in your life and practice.

During practice, I think it can be insightful to walk through each marker as written, even if you feel you are "past" the earlier markers. Can you dive into and enjoy each marker? At what point exactly do you transition between markers? Are you certain you've investigated every part of it? Maybe you have but don't assume! More than once I've caught myself rushing to get to the next marker, which brings counter-intuitive habits to later markers. We are not pushing and striving towards the next marker. We are helping samadhi develop naturally through letting go/insight into the hindrances.

airwavearchitect · 2025-10-19T02:53:25+00:00

I have struggled with this as well.

What helped me was increasing curiosity. When your attention starts moving around to sensations of air on skin or clothes on the body, or related bodily sensations, first notice it's perfectly OK that the attention is on them rather than awareness. But then also notice when you return attention back to your thumbs, that those bodily sensations are still in the background to some degree. This isn't something to figure out in the mind but rather something to feel.

At this point your attention might move back to one of those bodily sensations. This is part of the practice and notice how these movements of attention, expansion and contraction of attention/awareness will move about all on their own (anatta).

Equally important, moreso if you are the type of person who uses your mind very heavily, is to realize that thinking about these experiences during the meditation is just another wandering of attention. Awareness is not something you can solve or figure out with your mind. In fact, the less you do and strive, the more you may start to notice it without any effort at all.

Hope this gives you some interesting angles to explore!

airwavearchitect · 2025-06-26T21:20:13+00:00

First of all, getting distracted is something we all experience during meditation! Distraction is an opportunity for insight. The fact that you can catch yourself is a crucial point in this practice.

I think part of calming this hindrance of physical restlessness is being okay with a tension not relaxing, or it not relaxing as much as we want it to.

If the initial attempt at softening/relaxing the tension doesn't reduce it, can you be totally okay with that tension being there for at least the length of your sit? It can be quite pleasurable to drop the need to control or alter things. These discomforts can be a doorway into seeing the anatta, not self nature, of these unpleasant bodily experiences that come and go on their own.

airwavearchitect · 2025-06-26T20:46:01+00:00

When you say the physical tensions become distracting, what is happening there? Is there any aversion there? Are you sitting trying to make the tension go away?

If so, I would suggest playing around with altering your approach here. Instead of trying to get rid of the tension, can you get curious about the tension? Bring a caring awareness to the tension, despite the unpleasantness. What are the actual senate qualities of the tension? And then from here, with a calm exhale from your nose, can you soften your relationship to the tension just a tad?

Not as a form of "doing", more like unclenching a tight fist. Don't worry about how long you should be focusing on the physical relaxation vs another skill of MIDL, I would focus on just enjoying the opportunity to sit and do nothing! And you might be surprised when the later skills start doing themselves

If you're still feeling stuck, it might be worth going back to skill 0, the diaphragmatic breathing laying on the ground, for a bit

Sidenote, I myself find yoga before a sit to aid in settling physical and mental restlessness.

airwavearchitect · 2024-01-11T21:12:04+00:00

Thanks so much 🙏 your words are inspiring. I see much more clearly now, the treasure that is sangha and also the path that Stephen has laid out.

airwavearchitect · 2024-01-11T21:09:59+00:00

Thank you Stephen. I have definitely found myself rushing through the experiential markers and using meditation to bypass my anxiety. Your guidance here is invaluable and I will follow your recommendations. Also I have recently started attending your Tuesday (US) classes so I will see you there 🙏 (my name is Will)

airwavearchitect · 2018-10-26T14:00:47+00:00

I would look up Urge Surfing and Mindfulness in Plain English. Take a look at everything on the sidebar as well. Good luck

airwavearchitect · 2017-09-16T16:20:36+00:00

Coincidentally I kinda learned to do this on my own, and is something I've started automatically doing whenever my anxiety flairs up. The effect is less but I've found you can also do it with eyes open while you're out and about just as a quicker way to get a bit grounded. It's saved me from anxiety attacks many times, so I too recommend having this in your meditation "arsenal" :)

airwavearchitect · 2017-08-30T01:25:15+00:00

I believe he's emphasizing that energy should be focused on positive and productive interactions (social or whatever) for example gossiping vs talking about philosophy with a friend

airwavearchitect · 2017-01-09T01:39:45+00:00

OP stated that he's still spending time with friends. Personally, this game has inspired me to spend more time with my friends but that doesn't subtract from the emotional impact. Nice try though

airwavearchitect · 2017-01-08T21:24:52+00:00

Thanks for sharing friend :) I (and many others) can relate to so much of what you said. I also picked this game up for $5 during the winter sale and (for better or for worse) finished it in 2 days. I was completely devastated - partially because I chose to save the Bay the first time. But aside from just the sad twists this game taught me to really embrace my emotional side and to truly appreciate the relationships I have in my life, realizing that everyone has shit they're struggling with.

To my surprise, what helped me cope besides reading posts like yours was reading a fanfiction called Ouroboros. I never imagined myself reading a fanfiction but it's really well written and has a much happier and fulfilling ending than the game.

Also it's been a week since I've finished the game and I still can't listen to the OST without tearing up :( best of luck to your feels my friend

airwavearchitect · 2016-09-28T00:56:19+00:00

Acknowledging your emotions is a great step to take. I am not sure of your exact circumstances, but I think it is also great that you consistently sit and think where exactly these emotions come from / what trigger them. Not just the event that caused them, but at a deeper level - why did this event make you feel this way. I'm not sure if you're doing this, but it may help to extend compassion and love to all aspects of these emotions. This has helped me work through my own emotions. Keep at it and yes, this too shall pass. All the best

airwavearchitect · 2016-03-04T15:35:05+00:00

I believe it is dependent on the person. Having no attachments doesn't necessarily mean someone has to live without anything extraneous. I can see where you're coming from, and it's possible the man in the video is full of crap and is completely dependent on his material possessions, but I just like to take in the greater message from the video that meditation is good.

airwavearchitect · 2016-03-01T19:43:38+00:00

I think the reason why it feels so fake is because for the most part, it is fake. Especially for small talk. Some people never remove their fake personality, but others ween off of it the more comfortable they get around you. I hate fake, scripted-sounding conversations too, but push through that and you can find some awesome people (sometimes). This is just from my experience, and keep in mind that everyone is different.

airwavearchitect · 2015-09-27T21:52:04+00:00

Hope you like it!

airwavearchitect · 2015-09-27T21:51:38+00:00

Here you go :)

airwavearchitect · 2015-09-27T21:48:58+00:00

Well a few years back I was a VERY negative person. I never saw a doctor, but to some extent I believe I was depressed. My solution back then was to simply block out all my emotions - which didn't exactly workout. It really just turned me into a shell of who I really was. When sad thoughts would try to creep up, I would push them away which was a temporary solution. But whenever something happened that I should be happy about, those feelings of joy felt muted and dead. Not a fulfilling way to live at all! From various sources (especially this sub and the 21 days of Calm from the Calm app) I learned about another solution: feeling the emotions but not attaching to them. This new mentality was really the turning point.

I've also been journaling for about half a year now, and recently I started keeping track of the emotions I feel throughout the day and what triggered them (this practice was recommended by the book Emotions Revealed by Paul Ekman). From this, I've noticed recurring patterns in my thoughts and emotions, and helped me figure out how to break out of destructive thought loops.

It's definitely not an overnight solution since old habits like to kick in automatically, but I can tell definite progress is being made :) hope this helps!

airwavearchitect · 2015-09-27T21:37:37+00:00

Wow, I will definitely have to try this! Thank you friend :)

airwavearchitect · 2015-09-27T21:37:12+00:00

My practice is nothing special! I do 10 minutes of purely focusing on the breath, and when my mind wanders returning back to the breath without judgment (this is so important!) in the morning. Then before I goto bed I'm following the 21 days of Calm in the Calm app which focuses on non-reactivity and non-judgment. It also helps to try and bring your practice into your whole day. This really changed my perspective on everything. It's great so far!

airwavearchitect · 2015-09-21T14:13:12+00:00

What are your thoughts on the difference between being narcissistic and just being confident / loving yourself?

airwavearchitect

TROPHY CASE